Knowing your sheep
Below is the second part of the guide to sheepshagging. Ovine coitus is not as simple as tethering your favourite ovine to a stump, dropping your keks and then fucking the fluffy jumpers out of it. No, just as women come in many many wonderful sizes, dispositions, shapes and temperaments, so do sheep, and unlike women who have been known to become a little sensitive during their unclean time, sheep are usually consistent in their moods, and they do not turn into hell spawned harpies who want to dismember all men and fed them their own severed genitals. So read on kind reader and learn all about the sexual variations between the various sheep breeds. I will also award “fluff points” for those who like to score their conquests. At the end of the guide will be a point based scale which you can use to rate yourselves.
Badger Face Welsh Mountain
This charming monikered ovine has a distinct black stripe above the eyes and a black stripe running from under the chin to the belly and continuing underneath to the end of the tail. Think of the stripes as arrows pointing to their honey pot. The legs are black with a tan stripe. The fleece can be white, grey or light brown, but preference is given to the lighter shades. In things carnal they can be a bit of a mixed bag. Some of these Badger face welsh mountain (or Torrdu) can be quite placid and docile when entered but others have been known to turn on their lovers and attack them.
15 points
Balwen Welsh Mountain
A rare delight. One of the original of the welsh rare breeds they are very hardy and can survive well in all climates. The sheep has a base colour of black, dark brown or dark grey. It has a white stripe running from the pole of the head to the top of the nose, four white feet and half white tail. They can be quite kinky when approached and have been known on rare occasions to give head with little or no prompting.
25 points
Beltex
This is for the more experienced or strong Ovinephilliac who enjoy a challenge. Due to their unusual physiology they can be a real handful. Have you ever heard of the Bucking Bronco position in normal human sex? That’s the one where you perform coitus from behind and then when you are approaching vinegar stroke say something like “your grandad/sister/daughter/husband likes it like this” and then hold on for dear life as they go mental. Sex with a Beltex is very similar to this, but they have a weird 45 second threshold. If you can ride the Beltex for longer than 45 seconds they calm down and actually thrust back against you in rhythm to your thrusts. In appearance they are long in the body. It is wedge-shaped from a narrow shoulder to the already mentioned distinctive large, double-muscled hindquarters. The head is generally white in colour but may have black, blue or brown shadings or patches. The fore face is short and thick. The fleece is tight, dense of medium staple length which can become pungent if not groomed regularly. Average male bodyweight 95kg
30 points
Berrichon Du Cher
Very soft and luxurious coat along with a very loving personality makes this a good choice, many a time I have made love to a Berrichon and then lay down in the sun using the sheep as a pillow. Cunnilingus is not recommended though, can taste strongly of burnt lamb chops.
6 points
Beulah Speckled Face
Their cheeky spotted face and legs belies a evil personality. Not recommended for novice nor for veteran. Just like a women who is on her unclean time these nasty little bastards can turn on you for no fucking reason at all. There has been some reports of Beulahs actually biting and mauling their lovers around the genitals causing severe mutilation and in some cases death. They do make a good lamb madras though, their meat is very tender and stronger flavoured than most. Also very good with a good Merlot.
50 points
Blackface
The most common of all British breeds. These are the ones most commonly envisioned and imagined when one fantasises about flufflove. Ubiquitous across our fair land these ebony visaged sheep are quite pedestrian when it comes to sex. They do just enough to keep you interested but all the time you will be dreaming of a more exotic and exciting breed. A good beginners sheep.
2 points
Black Welsh Mountain
A right little hard bastard. Very self reliant and vigilant these horned, black sheep are not a popular choice amongst flufflovers. They are like the local hard-bitten slag down at the boozer, good for a little fumble but will batter you around and leave you with a vague sense of guilt and the need to have a damn good shower. They are known for their complete disregard for their lovers, even to go so far as to just carry on eating the grass as if nothing is happening.
4 points
Border Leicester
A large sheep who moves with deceptive grace, has well developed chest and hind muscles. Can be a bit of a clinger, once the act of love has been consummated it never leaves the person alone. It can also get very jealous and fight with other sheep if it thinks you have straying eyes. This sheep has an easily accessible g-spot about 4 inches in and has been known to have loud and dramatic orgasms.
Boreray
One of the first sheep to be imported to our shores, they are a hardy but diminutive sheep standing at just 55cm at the withers. Their small stature makes them ideal for those who do not like to wrestle their fluffbrides and they remain tight and accommodating throughout a protracted relationship. One thing to note is their tendency to bleat loudly after the act of love is completed. Take this into consideration if you tryst is meant to be clandestine, There has been incidents where the bleating has lead to the couple to be caught.
5 points
British Milksheep
Ah, the grand matron of the flufflove scene. This even tempered beauty is known for its steady calm personality and excellent mothering instincts. They have excellent stamina and are willing to endure the more vigorous and energetic bout of lovemaking. It is worth noting that once control over them has been established they are pliant in a number of positions. It is not unknown for them to be propped up against a post and for them to hug their lover with their forelegs. The sex can be OK but nothing to write home about.
6 points
Cambridge
Not a friendly sheep at all. Early theories about their violent disposition towards human love attributed their attitude towards a ovine lesbianism, but this was debunked in the 1957 seminal work on ovineaphilia by a Dr T. R Madena. He put their violent tendencies down to the simple fact that they do not like to be entered. If you are going to try some flufflove on the Cambridge then only approach it when it is sedated. There has been a number of deaths from people who have attempted a bit of “jiggy jiggy” with this sheep. They turn into whirling dervishes of woolly mayhem and use their teeth and hooves to good effect.
40 points if not sedated.
5 points if sedated.
Castlemilk Moorit
Britain’s rarest sheep, little is known about the sexual habits of this elusive little minx, but by all accounts the coupling can be wild and energetic with the Castlemilk being quite forward and demanding. In appearance it is a long legged, short tailed sheep with a light tan fleece with patterned markings.
25 points
Charmoise Hill
A most energetic and lively sheep. The Charmoise is a white faced and white legged sheep with a deep body coated in a tight fleece of good quality. It has the most excellent conformation with short neck well muscled loins and strong legs. An attractive sheep but it is high maintenance, needed constant attention and grooming. If left ungroomed large winnits can form on it’s behind.
12 points
Charollais
A medium to large breed with the ewe’s averaging around 95kg. The body is long with a wellbroad muscled loin and wide deep chest. The head is wool free, pinkish/grey in colour now and again with spots. The line of the shoulders should retain a wedge shape which is so important for ease of lambing. It is not uncommon for Charollais to form deep meaningful relationships with other sheep. This can manifest itself with two ewe’s demanding attention at the same time, turning a sexual encounter into a menagerie.
8 points
Club Forest
A very alert and intelligent sheep they also make very loyal companions, learning to anticipate their lovers every need and desire. They pick up tricks and techniques quite rapidly. The sex can be quite spectacular once a relationship has been established. One downside is the regular need for the sheep to undergo a traumatic sheep-dip at least once every 6 weeks. This can cause the sheep to sulk, also if the sheep-dip is too strong it can leave a residue on the sheep’s behind that can cause irritation around the japs eye. A condom is recommended for a few days after a sheepdip.
10 points
Colbred
A non-descript sheep of medium height and medium appearance. They are exceptionally stupid even for sheep and are adverse to being separated from the flock. One word of warning is not to wear anything suede. They can turn on anyone wearing suede and having a flockload of irate colbreds trampling on you is not conductive to good health and long life.
5 points
Dalesbred
A hardy horned hill sheep of ragged appearance it has a black face with two distinctive white marks either side of its nostrils. They are known for it abundant fur and appalling pungent odour. When wet they can smell like a tramps undercarriage. If this smell can be overcome a Dalesbred can be a loving and erstwhile companion, although a bit on the rough side. Think of Shirley of Eastenders and you will not be far off the mark.
8 points
Dartmoor (grayface)
A hairy tangle of wet desire. Their is something alluring and a little naughty about the Dartmoor breed, maybe it’s the long luxurious wool, or maybe it’s the feel of its tongue lapping at the base of your neck when it is down on its back or maybe it’s the bangs of hair cascading over its eyes. It also has a deep and throaty bleet that any disconcerting ovinaphiliac running for the nearest bullclip and velco gloves. All in all a deeply satisfying shag.
12 points
Devon And Cornwall Longwool
Its messy appearance and fierce body odour masks a surprisingly gentle and accommodating fuck. Winnits can be a real issue here and it has been known for a stray winnit to be caught in the cock nostril and cause a nasty infection. This infection can be cleared up with a broad spectrum antibiotic but the hospital will recognise the infection and alert the authorities.
9 points
Dorset Down
A right little goer this one. What appears to be a neat, tidy, alert and quiet demeanor hides a cock-hungry personality. Sheep of this breed are like the geekey girl in American Pie, all prim and proper on the outside but once you get them alone in a barn they turn into dirty little whore's. Can be intimidating for the beginner so be warned.
9 points
Friesland
A sheep of the larger build, Ewe's can weigh up to 100kg, they use their bulk to good advantage dominating a encounter unless the flufflover takes firm control early on. Can be sexually demanding and is not adverse to making inappropriate advantages at inopportune times.
7 points
Gotland
An exceptionally beautiful sheep with a thick, glossy, luxurious grey fleece but this can sometimes be black, white or brown. They look and feel wonderful but they are disappoining in matters of a carnal nature. Their beauty hides a frigid heart and sex will be cursory at best. They have a weakness for silk though, if showered with gifts of silk I.e a bridle, they can be persuaded to give oral, they refuse to swallow though and can sulk and throw a fit if you try and make them do so.
5 points
Hampshire Down
Face and ears are a rich deep brown, approaching ebony, with wool over the crown and forehead. Wool is white with an average length. Body deep and symmetrical with ribs well sprung, broad, straight back, flat loins, wide rump and deep strongly defined muscled hind legs and breast. Legs being strongly jointed and powerful. They have an awesome body but have the face of a bag ladies balloon knot. They may indeed be facially challenged but by thunder do they make up for it! A demanding yet willing to experiment mistress in bed they make outstanding lovers and are fiercely loyal. Highly recommended.
12 points
Hebridean
A very small sheep with distinctive appearance. They have black long fur which sheds water well and two to four horns. Because of their small size their has emerged a distict sub-culture amongst ovineaphiliacs for those who prefer the smaller sheep. Hebridean's can be surly and aggressive despite their size and are not a pushover. If approached right, their horns can be used as a excellent handle to hold on to.
4 points
Herdwick
The Goth of the sheep world, Black wool and white face framed by gothic horns give this ovine a macabre appearance. It also has a tendency to sulk a lot. The herdwick has a tendency to smell and appear dirty so if coupling is to be attempted it may be worthwhile to throw it in a pond before hand or something. Can become needy and irritating.
4 points
Hill Radnor
Unlike many sheep breeds the Hill Radnor is quite resilient against contagions and diseases, this makes them ideal for group sessions and for film making. The sheep itself is a large, heavy breed and is a native hill or mountain breed most commonly found in the Border counties running from the North of Powys down to South West Herefordshire and Monmouthshire. Sex can be dramatic and energetic and the ovine can be quite vocal. Due to its size and sexual habits the Hill Radnor is not an ideal starter sheep.
3 points
Icelandic
Not a popular choice amongst seasoned flufflovers. The Icelandic is course, rude and aggressive in appearance and in habits. It smells like a dead dogs ballbag and its wool is lank and greasy to the touch. Sex is dull and uninspiring and it is prone to flatulence during sex. Unless you are a pervert keep clear of this sheep.
2 points
Ile De France
On appearance this sheep is nothing special, It is of medium height and weight, uniform in colour with a thick fleece. When it is alone it turns into a sexual dynamo, there is nothing too dirty or degrading for this nymphomatic ovine. To be honest it can be a bit much at times. Makes an exceptional lamb hotpot, which when made in a slow cooker is truly a revelation.
4 points
Jacob
I shit you not, this sheep looks like a cow and it even acts like a fucking cow. Something went wrong somewhere when this bizarre chimera was made. It is of slightly smaller stature than average and it is basically pure white with black splodges, the head and neck is black with a white blaze on the face. The Jacob is particularly adept at oral, just like dairy farmers with their “calf suckling” trick, this confused ovine like nothing more than giving head. And it swallows. Win.
10 points
Kerry Hill
This sheep boasts the softest wool of all the British sheep breeds, soft to the touch, compliant yet resilient the fleece is much sought after and farmers can take a dimmer view than normal if you are caught tampering with one of these. Just like sex with a fat bird, sex with a Kerry Hill is fun with plenty of sheep to hold on to, and just like fat birds they try and little bit harder to please without being clingy or going all emo. Their soft fleece and cuddly physique makes them ideal companions on cold lonely nights.
7 points
Llanwenog
A truly disturbed mental case of a sheep. It is totally unpredictable and is accursed with frequent and profound mood swings, If any sheep was schizophrenic then this welsh nutter is it. Can be all cuddly, loving and attentive one moment and then Bang! It is trying to dig its way to Australia using your forehead as a spade, The sex reflects this personality swing, it can be demure, passive and all proper or it can be a raving, filthy beast, trying to bugger you with its hoof whilst you try frantically to please it. In appearance it is compact, neat and tight curled with a white fleece and a neat crop of curly fur on its forehead. It has a black face with alert, erect ears and mad staring eyes. Cannot put into words how fucking mental this sheep is.
8 points
Lonk
A hill sheep of surprisingly neat appearance, hill sheep are normally more rugged. It averages around 45-50kg and so can be easily wrestled if it is playing hard to get. It has the ability to sit on its hind quarters like a dog, so the more adventurous flufflover can coach it to go on top. To coach the Lonk you can reward it with a mixture of dandelion leaves, wheat and dock leaves. The sheep is silent throughout the encounter. The sheep has been known to take a dislike to people with brummie accents.
5 points
Manx Loaghtan
Known for its intolerance and antiquated views, this Isle of Man sheep does not take kindly to an approach. Be very careful if you take a shine to one of these, they can be violent and reticent and are known to gossip amongst themselves. Because of this, take care when approaching an area populated by these, if you have had some flufflove with one of these previous you can find the entire flock after you. The term “a manx beating” refers to a flock of sheep kicking seven types of fuck out of someone who has shagged one of them on a previous occasion and the vindictive ovine has took it upon itself to tell all its little buddies. These are multihorned and can be of a neat appearance or of a ragged appearance. Be warned.
5 points
Meatlinc
A huge sheep averaging around 140 kg this beast is very well muscled and may need two people to control it. It is very scared of fire though and so a little campfire lit in front of it will encourage the sheep to push back more, enhancing the experience for the fluffer. Can become boisterous and rough when it smells food on you so be careful. Bizarrely it has a soft spot of mints and likes to suck on the milder ones. This is good for those people who enjoy their lover to give head, by rubbing a mint on the penis will cause the Meatlinc to nosh down on it like there is no tomorrow.
8 points
Norfolk Horn
An average sized sheep but with exceptionally long black legs. |It is horned and these hornes can be used to hold on to. Like other breeds it can become clingy. A protracted relationship is not recommended as it can let itslf go and the nice attractive looker you started to go out with can turn into a haggard, winnit-arsed, pungent, shitty mess. It also has a tendency to stare unnervingly at fluffers who are in the midst of shagging them, this can be off putting so a blindfold or a tight tether is a must.
7 points
North Of England Mule
Known for their fighting habits and their like of strong lagers, this rough sheep is very hardy and can survive and prosper in the most adverse of conditions. The North of England Mule is also promiscuous and so a condom is recommended. Although it is not adverse to sleeping around, it takes a dim view if it thinks you have been sleeping with others. It can become violent and very abusing if it thinks you have disrespected it in some way. In appearance it is hornless with a brown/white face. It has long fur with a slight crimp.
4 points
Oxford Down
A veritable monster of a sheep, this is Britain's largest breeds and it is bred exclusively for its meat. Shagging this is just like in “normal” everyday life where sex with a larger lady is fun and satisfying, but sex with an obese chick is repulsive and spiritually repugnant. This is the same for the Oxford Down. It is just too big for sex to be any good. The only time you should approach one of these is for curiosity sake or if you are part of the “Chubbyfluff” scene. It also eats all the fucking time, even when it is being shagged. One good point is that it likes to lick the sweat off various body parts.
8 points
Romney
This is the jewel in the crown for those with a kinkier view of flufflove. This sheep just loves bondage, especially with leather gear. There is a thriving blackmarket of specialist leather gear that is just for the worldwide Romney lovers market. Gear such as the ovine variable width bridle, the back strapped or belly strapped corset, the crotchless sheep knickers, the ovine gimp mask, the webbed body stocking and the all body harness, all in various colours and grades of leather. Sex is wild and very energetic with the sheep leading the way. The sheep can also be very demanding and authoritarian. Not really ideal if all you want is a quick, casual roll in the hay and off to the boozer afterwards.
15 points
Rough Fell
An attractive, proud looking sheep, it is of average to large height with a horned black head with a definite white patch on the nose. The body is large and long with a broad loin, strong body and legs with a noble bearing. It prefers to have long and gentle lovemaking with cuddling and smalltalk afterwards. Not what you want if you prefer the sex to be dramatic and lively. It absolutely not partake in oral sex, receiving or giving and it will take umbrage if you do not spend at least 20 minutes on foreplay.
9 points
Ryeland
Chubby in appearance it is suprisingly firm and solid to the touch. Has exceptionally strong hindquarters and it likes it rough. A good light spanking around the rear and being cock-slapped in the face makes it bleat in pleasure. It also likes the fluffer to talk dirty when being spanked. It is also very playful but this can have consequences. It is not unknown for another sheep to pick up the fluffers clothes in its mouth when he is “on the job” and run off. This has actually lead to beatings and arrests,
6 points
Scotch Mule
A frankly ugly sheep with no redeeming features what so ever. A poor shag and of dubious personal hygiene, this ovine is to be avoided. It also has the unwanted reputation for defecating in the midst off being shagged. Not what you want to be honest. It is a progeny of the Blackface ewe and the Bluefaced Leicester ram. This medium sized, cross-bred has a piebald brown face while the fine white wool should have a curled appearance.
2 points
Shetland
A lot of controversy exists in flufflove circles about sex with a shetland. Being of extreme diminutive stature a lot of fluffers considers sex with a shetland as wrong and perverse. The feeling is so strong in some quarters that people are of the opinion that fluffers who have sex with Shetlands should sign a register once a week and give accounts of their day to day activities. The average ewe weighs in at 35kg.
3 points
Soay
Likes group sex in a big way and this has to be experienced at least once. To have an entire flock of sheep cater for your every need should be on every flufflovers bucket list. They are gentle with you and very considerate to the fluffer. It is possible for 20-30 sheep all around you awaiting to make their contribution whilst 4-5 are actually physically attending to you. There is a couple of downsides to it though, the first is that it can attract unwanted attention, nothing will peek a farmers curiosity more than a flock of sheep all circling around someone with there pants down. The second is that sometimes they can get jealous of each other, this can lead to fighting amongst themselves. In appearance they are of medium size and their fur is thick and usually light brown or white in appearance.
15 points
Southdown
A sheep with a squat, compact and muscular build. It is neat and tidy and quite fastidious in its habits. The sex reflects this attitude. The sheep wants everything “just right”. It will not male love in rain or in mud, it demands exemplary personal hygiene from the fluffer and it will not settle for anything less than a full blown orgasm. If the lover does not give the sheep an orgasm than all hell can break loose.
8 points
Teeswater
A screamer, this one has a very loud, high pitched bleat that because of some peculiar sonic quirk echoes for miles around, because of this sex with a Teeswater is not recommended except in the more remote of area's, and even then do it in a thunderstorm. It is of a dirty appearance but this is just the hue of the fleece, the sheep is suprisingly clean and pleasant smelling. If you have a friend who is into flufflove it is worth noting that the Teeswater is wiling to be spitroasted.
5 points
Texel
The head is usually covered with fine white hair with only the occasional black flecks on the ears. The nose should be black and the ears carried forward at ten-to-two. A short neck, well padded loin, square quarters and well rounded thighs are features of the body. A curvy delight of a ewe, the sex is joyful, warm and very satisfactory. One of the more sexually liberated of the sheep breeds, it can be trained to do anything with a bit of perseverance and patience,
10 points
Wensleydale
Another of the huge breeds, this hovers on average around the 130kg mark. Its thick fleece can make it appear bigger and it is truly imposing and intimidating for veterans and novices alike. It is surprisingly gentle and timid despite its size and because of this it is good for those people who like their sheep on the larger size but are unwilling to get into a bout of wrestling for the sake of some flufflove. It makes odd high pitched little squeaks during lovemaking
7 points
That concludes the descriptions of the majority of the British breeds. The points that are given should be used as a guide to the quality of the flufflove. The points can be used just like a train-spotting book or guide.
