Curry

Curry

As you all know curry is the king of food. Nothing in the history of food can compare to the sublime delight that a good curry can provide. Despite what Wiggy says, he is wrong, Greggs is not the best. No doubt Greggs is good and can be relied on to provide some momentary satisfaction, but it is not, nor will it ever be a match for a good “ruby murray”. You cannot go in Greggs and drink beer (you will be arrested); you cannot go in with your drunken mates and insult anyone within earshot (again, an arrest or beating will be imminent). You cannot reheat it in the morning (you will die) and it does not make you faeces EXACTLY like the curry you had previously ate. (Have you ever been tempted to dip some left over Nan bread into the toilet pan……?)

So all in all Greggs pales in comparison to a curry.

The only downside to a “ruby” is the dreaded ringsting; this is an affliction that can reduce the manliest of men to quivering sobbing wrecks. To demonstrate this, go to the nearest supermarket and buy some Stagg Dynamite Chilli (not curry but it works on the same principle) I tried it once and my stomach went numb after 3 mouthfuls. I carried on eating and was soon covered in sweat. I went out on the piss with my mates and it felt like I had a cold brick in my stomach. I knew something was amiss. The next morning I was uncomfortable. My hoop was already sweating in dread in anticipation of the horrors that was about to unfold. I tried to hold back on going to the toile for as long as I could because I knew there was going to be issues, but eventually I went. Imagine a piece of string, cover that string in superglue and then roll it in broken glass, imagine now that piece of sting being sawed through your hoop. The pain was unimaginable, I broke my arm once and that was nothing compared to this, I got hit by a cricket ball another time square in the happy sacs and it was nothing compared to this, I snorted some Andrews liver salts once and it was nothing compared to this. I actually sobbed. Me, a 35 (at the time) year old man actually sobbed at the pain. I was on the toilet for 45 agonising minutes; every second was stark unadulterated misery. I felt like the beginning of bonanza (YouTube it) was happening on my behind. So my advice is, always eat a curry (or similar spicy food) that you know you can handle. Always remember that a curry is hotter exiting than it was entering.

Curry as been around for hundreds of years, despite popular folklore and urban myth. The word comes from the Tamil word “Kari”, this first appeared in 1886. It describes a meat dish with spicy gravy and bread. The basic idea for the dish can be seen across medieval European and western Asia. The migration of food idea’s can be seen with such food as lasagne, Lasagne despite popular belief was originally a south eastern English dish which migrated to the Mediterranean at the time of the crusades. The same migration of spices happened in early medieval times, cumin, coriander, fenugreek, mace, cloves, star aniseed to name but a few all can be traced to different regions then what they are famous for now. So a curry can trace its roots from many areas. Iran, Medieval Europe, China, India, western Asia and north Africa can all claim to have contributed to what we call a curry today. The British curry has been around since the turn of the twentieth century, the story has it that a Bangladeshi restaurateur mixed some tomato soup with cream and various spices and the result was Chicken Tikka masala.

The basic restaurant curry is simple to make, it is supposed to be a close guarded secret but a Pakistani friend of mine told me what they do. It is childsplay, so sit back and listen to Uncle Gavin give you a cooking lesson.

1 Mix 2 tins of chopped tomatoes with 2 chopped large onions.

2 Add 3 gloves of garlic and 3 teaspoons of chopped fresh ginger

3 Mix it to a fine paste/sauce in a blender

4 Cook over a medium heat for 3-4 hours

This is your BASIC curry sauce. The art comes from the spices and additions you use to get the curry you desire. Spices such as, Cumin, Coriander and Cardamom are a must, these 3 are essential. Other spices can be added such as Fenugreek, cloves, mace, nutmeg, pepper, star aniseed, chilli, Cinnamon, Fennel, paprika and Garam Masala can be added. Ingredients such as Coconut milk, peanut paste, ghee, curry leaves, Tamarind paste, tomato puree, cream, bay leaves and lemon/lime can be used as well as any vegetable or meat. If you are using Chicken it is worth noting that plain yogurt mixed with any spice makes an extemporary marinade.

If you are eating a curry that is too hot for you, try drinking some milk or having a milk based condiment handy (cream, yogurt, fermented yaks milk). This dissolves the hot part of the spices. This only works on food going in though. The spices condense back into your poo after it has been digested, so your ringpiece is still going to be beaten like a ginger step child.

Finally I will list and review different curry types you may come across in your culinary escapades.

MADRAS

A most popular dish of rich hot and sour tastes. Extensively prepared with chilli lemon juice and tomato puree. Like most curries the strength and composition of a madras can change from chef to chef. Basically it is a hot tomato based curry. I would not recommend this for curry virgins

VINDALOO

A fabulous, hot taste, black pepper, lemon ginger chilli are a few spices to add to qualify this as the one of the most extravagantly hot dish. I lot of chefs make a vindaloo my just adding chilli powder to a madras but a chef who knows what he is doing will a notably different approach and recipe to differentiate it from the basic madras. This will make your hoop sore.

KORMA

Chicken, meat or prawns dipped and washed in milk and cooked very mildly in butter and cream. A very mild dish. Can also contain almonds and coconut. To be honest you may as well eat some toast.

ROGAN JOSH

Spiced with herbs and cashew nuts and garnished with fried tomatoes and onions.

The cashew nuts are an added extra, I don’t think you will find these in your standard takeaway but a good chef will include these.

BHUNA

A garnished dish with onions, capsicum and tomato, selected spices, extensively treated to provide medium strength. I got this description from a menu. Bhuna’s don’t really offer anything new or exciting. It has some spiciness but otherwise boring and forgettable.

PATHIA

A sweet and sour taste dish prepared with garlic, red chilli, onions, capsicum and maximum quantity of tomato puree. It looks like lava and it tastes like I imagine Angelina’s right nipple tastes like. My favourite curry ever. It is hot and it does give you a modicum of anal discomfort but the sheer exuberance and feistiness of the dish is well worth it. Put some toilet roll in the freezer if you are that worried.

DUPIAZA

A fuck-load of diced onions, seasoned and fresh, applied with dozens of spices to produce a taste that is medium hot. A very suitable dish to go with chapatti or pore. Very nice, can be a lot of variation between chef’s though. This make you shit like its going out of fashion and your farts will smell like you have died and forgot to lie down.

DANSAK

Medium hot curry, cooked in lentils, sweet and sour taste in thick creamy sauce. Does what it says on the tin. Nothing special. Hippy curry.

BIRIYANI

Not strictly a curry, rather a spiced rice dish with a curry sauce of choice and served with a omelette and cucumber. It will also contain raisin, cashew nuts and whatever else the chef will find on the floor. It is a fact that most food poisoning cases that relate to curry serving establishments come from rice. Rice that is not used is frequently put back in its container.

These are the basic curry types. There are many others dependant on the restaurant. Dishes such as Phall, saag and other megahot curries can be found. These are normally vindaloo’s with added spice and probably some added bodily fluid. 

Never. Ever insult or upset the staff at a restaurant. They WILL add something extra.

Hope you have enjoyed this guide.

Gav