The quintessential fart

I am back, I have decided to yet again put finger to keypad and talk again once again about fabulous flatulence. I have not been on for a few months, I started to feel pressurised into writing, and that was never my intention. So here we go, a brief foray into the wondrous and foul, magnificent and ghastly world of trumps.

I have already wrote about my top 5 favourite farts of all time so take a few moments to refresh your memories on a few farting anecdotes to wet your appetite.
http://gavstjames.blogspot.com/2010/12/farts.html

Done it? Good.

One of the foulest things I did against my brothers when I was younger was to make them rate my farts. In them days I used a fruit scoring system to ascertain how bad it was. If I remember rightly the scale started with apple, an apple was barely worth your sphincter opening to be honest, it was a breath of air untroubled by the wiff of poo. After apple there was orange, orange was a “meh” fart, it was neither here or there, it was the Aston Villa of trumpage, always promising the earth but in the end it just delivered resentment and disappointment, the Cheryl Cole of the guff world. Banana was next, this is where things started to get interesting. A banana had a discernable body and had a certain amount of gusto and life in its delivery. A banana was something to do in church to elicit a stern look from some hatchet faced old biddy who really should have the fucking decency to mind her own fucking business and stop breathing the same bastard oxygen as the rest of us. After banana came lemon, If I did a lemon then I was more than happy, lemons are the type of fart that got you beat up if you dropped one on a car/train/bus. Lemons where the farts that got me branded an “animal” by my mother or had my Gran having an “episode” when I dropped one in her beloved Volvo. Finally came mangoes. All the farts in my previous post about farting would have been mangoes. Mangoes are very rarely done, but once done they are always memorable. They are the Rolls Royce, the Robbie Fowlers, the Lorraine Kelly of the fart world; they are the farts that make you check your underwear for “additional material”, the kind of farts that make you go to the doctors because something really could be wrong with you. Mangoes have crossed the line from just foul and funny to fucking ghastly.

The way I used to get my brothers to rate my farts is worth a mention. My two younger brothers used to share a bedroom and used to conspire against me, I could hear them whispering and giggling, pointing and plotting against me at every opportunity so I had a number of ways I used to get revenge and prove myself the alpha male, one way was to just beat them up, but that wore thin and my mum used to get a tad worked up if I did this. ( on one occasion my youngest brother accidentally ran onto my foot with his gonads whist we where having a toy fight and my mum ran in, saw him on the floor and floored me with a punch). My favourite form of revenge was the facefart. If whilst tucked in bed at night I felt a fart brewing I used to dive out of bed in my boxers, run into their room and wrestle the one nearest to the floor and then sit on his face, place my ring on his nostrils and then fart. There. I said it, never before have I shared that with anyone but there you are….I used to deliberately fart up my brothers nose and then make them tell me how good it was. Outstanding.

The rating system above was rudimentary at best. I now think I have a robust and workable system to rate farts. This is based on a number of categories.

• Smell. Smell is probably the most important attribute for a fart to possess and the odours come in many many wonderful and varied forms. From the eggy sulphurous smell of a high protein diet to the squalid and swamplike odour of shit, from the sharp and pungent smell of decaying matter to the yeasty exuberance of a hangover special. Each have their own characteristics and mannerisms. Just like a fine wine each must be savoured and enjoyed. You should rate smell from zero to twenty. Zero being a odourless yawning of the anus and a twenty would be a cataclysmic eruption of such vileness that it would make grown mean sob in horror.
• Volume. There is a school of thought that places how loud a fart is above smell, I am inclined to think that whilst noise level is great a good fart is nothing without odour. Anyhow no one can deny the sheer theatre and charisma of a proper loud fart. Nothing says “I AM HERE” like a right good bum trumpet. “make it loud and proud son” my Dad used to say to me and by fuck I have held that close to my heart. What you are sitting on can have a bearing on how loud a fart is, as I mentioned in my first post about farts, a good plastic chair can amplify a fart to breathtaking proportions. Any hard surface can have this affect but it is better if you are sat on something with a bit of give, i.e a chair, bench. For a truly awesome and scarily loud fart follow these steps in the bath. 1 when a fart is imminent squat above the water. 2 Lower yourself so that your anus just touches the surface of the water. 3 Fart. The noise is like a flock of giant pigeons taking off and be careful to hold on tight to the side of the bath, the first time I did this I nearly drowned I was laughing that much. Rate volume on a scale of zero to fifteen. Zero having no noise what so fucking ever, Fifteen which would startle a police horse.
• Body: This is the actual space a fart takes up. If you fart at a football stadium and the whole terrace gets to share the glory then that would be a fine effort indeed, whereas someone next to you gets a blast but someone standing on his opposite side does not get any then that would be a poor effort and something you should really feel shameful about to be honest. From zero to ten.
• Life: How long the fart stops around for. A particle of fart gas can persist for a startlingly long time. This was never more apparent when as teens we used to hang around in total video in Duky, on one occasion one of the lads managed to trap a beast of a fart within a video cassette box. We went back every day to check on our captive fart..... IT WAS STILL THERE A WEEK LATER!!!. This was actually scary at the time and we thought some creepy shit was happening, it was fuckin eerie. Rate from zero to ten.
• Special: This is a five point category for anything special, bizarre or memorable about the fart. It may smell of cornflakes or tomato ketchup, it may have caused someone to puke, . Also included would be the time honoured practice of following through. Every one has followed through, if they say different then they are a god-damned liar and will burn for all eternity in the abysmic fires of hell for their transgression. I have actually followed through on the way to work once, I rapidly turned around and waddled down dewsnap lane to change and shower, my underpants looked like one of them drawings psychologists show you to see if you are mad. Whilst we are discussing following through I will list a few euphemisms that may be used when in polite company:
  To gamble and lose
  Create a russet gusset
  To draw mud
  To drop a pebble.
  Listen to girls aloud
  It may sound like a creaky door opening or Cheryl Cole trying to sing, the fart may cause a dog to bite you or a small child to cry but if there is something outlandish about the flatulence, give it some points.

So points awarded are out of a possible 60. I have divided the points up into tiers of how special the flatulence score is.

SCORE	DEFINITION
0 – 10.	My as well not bother. Hope you are embarrassed. Fucking Pussy
11 – 20.	Pitiful, some substance there but not worth the effort to be honest. Epic Fail.
21 – 30.	Getting somewhere but still on the poor side, may elicit a comment in fastidious company.
31 – 40.	Good effort, will turn heads and less hardy people will move away from you.
41 - 50	A right belter! May cause a medicrum of distress to the infirm and elderly
51 - 55	Holy Fuck!! that’s fucking wrong, a tremendous life affirming effort. Can cause nausea and bouts of spontaneous violence upon the perpetrator
56 - 59	No, just fucking NO! Get some medical attention because that is not fucking normal. A world class effort.
60	The perfect storm, a maybe once in a lifetime fart that will leave you aghast at your own body. WILL cause weeping, sickness, assault and quite possibly a hospital stay followed by a appearance in court. God loves you.

QUEEF

No article about farting would be complete without a section about Queefs.

This is the description as given by the outstanding and morally upright website www.urbandictionary.com.

 Air expelled from the vagina causing the labia minora to audibly vibrate creating a sound resembling a fart. A queef, however is not accompanied by a scent as with flatulence .Queefs often occur during or after deep penile penetration and can add even more fun to sex.

I remember the first time I experienced a Queef first hand, I nearly passed out from the shock and I honestly thought it was a normal “bum” trump, I could not believe that women did such a thing and I could never really enjoy our relationship after that and I had to end it.

The origins are a little obscure but the word “Queef” seems to originate from the Manchester united squad of 1897. Folklore states that their Captain at the time Bob Erentz was a secret Liverpoolfc fan and as a practical joke he persuaded the rest of the squad that the smell of fermenting kippers kept away unwanted advances by evil spirits and women of negotiable affection. The foulest smelling of the squad was a forward by the unfortunate name of Keith Spacker. Due to his hair-lip he pronounced his name “Queef”. Over the course of the 1897-1898 season the smell of the utd players was that bad that teams refused to share the same pitch as the rancid utd players and they soon became known as the “Queefs” Soon any appalingly bad smelling article was called a “queef” Around the same time the name for a fanny-fart was the “lady-cough”. Whilst this name was ok for gentile company it was not a colloquialism that suitable for the rough slums of working class britain. No one knows when or where exactly queef was used to describe a lady-cough but it is thought that it was around leeds in the summer of 1899, since then the word has entered the English language.

Twelve second rule: This is like the urban myth about dieing in a dream. If you die in a dream then you apparently die in real life. The same is supposedly true about farting non-stop for longer than 12 seconds. If you emit flatulence in one continuous stream for longer than 12 seconds you colon will prolapse into your lower intestine causing massive internal bleeding and death.


Hope you have enjoyed and learned something about farting.

more sheepshagging

Knowing your sheep

Below is the second part of the guide to sheepshagging. Ovine coitus is not as simple as tethering your favourite ovine to a stump, dropping your keks and then fucking the fluffy jumpers out of it. No, just as women come in many many wonderful sizes, dispositions, shapes and temperaments, so do sheep, and unlike women who have been known to become a little sensitive during their unclean time, sheep are usually consistent in their moods, and they do not turn into hell spawned harpies who want to dismember all men and fed them their own severed genitals. So read on kind reader and learn all about the sexual variations between the various sheep breeds. I will also award “fluff points” for those who like to score their conquests. At the end of the guide will be a point based scale which you can use to rate yourselves.

Badger Face Welsh Mountain

This charming monikered ovine has a distinct black stripe above the eyes and a black stripe running from under the chin to the belly and continuing underneath to the end of the tail. Think of the stripes as arrows pointing to their honey pot. The legs are black with a tan stripe. The fleece can be white, grey or light brown, but preference is given to the lighter shades. In things carnal they can be a bit of a mixed bag. Some of these Badger face welsh mountain (or Torrdu) can be quite placid and docile when entered but others have been known to turn on their lovers and attack them.

15 points

Balwen Welsh Mountain

A rare delight. One of the original of the welsh rare breeds they are very hardy and can survive well in all climates. The sheep has a base colour of black, dark brown or dark grey. It has a white stripe running from the pole of the head to the top of the nose, four white feet and half white tail. They can be quite kinky when approached and have been known on rare occasions to give head with little or no prompting.

25 points

Beltex

This is for the more experienced or strong Ovinephilliac who enjoy a challenge. Due to their unusual physiology they can be a real handful. Have you ever heard of the Bucking Bronco position in normal human sex? That’s the one where you perform coitus from behind and then when you are approaching vinegar stroke say something like “your grandad/sister/daughter/husband likes it like this” and then hold on for dear life as they go mental. Sex with a Beltex is very similar to this, but they have a weird 45 second threshold. If you can ride the Beltex for longer than 45 seconds they calm down and actually thrust back against you in rhythm to your thrusts. In appearance they are long in the body. It is wedge-shaped from a narrow shoulder to the already mentioned distinctive large, double-muscled hindquarters. The head is generally white in colour but may have black, blue or brown shadings or patches. The fore face is short and thick. The fleece is tight, dense of medium staple length which can become pungent if not groomed regularly. Average male bodyweight 95kg

30 points

Berrichon Du Cher

Very soft and luxurious coat along with a very loving personality makes this a good choice, many a time I have made love to a Berrichon and then lay down in the sun using the sheep as a pillow. Cunnilingus is not recommended though, can taste strongly of burnt lamb chops.

6 points

Beulah Speckled Face

Their cheeky spotted face and legs belies a evil personality. Not recommended for novice nor for veteran. Just like a women who is on her unclean time these nasty little bastards can turn on you for no fucking reason at all. There has been some reports of Beulahs actually biting and mauling their lovers around the genitals causing severe mutilation and in some cases death. They do make a good lamb madras though, their meat is very tender and stronger flavoured than most. Also very good with a good Merlot.

50 points

Blackface

The most common of all British breeds. These are the ones most commonly envisioned and imagined when one fantasises about flufflove. Ubiquitous across our fair land these ebony visaged sheep are quite pedestrian when it comes to sex. They do just enough to keep you interested but all the time you will be dreaming of a more exotic and exciting breed. A good beginners sheep.

2 points

Black Welsh Mountain

A right little hard bastard. Very self reliant and vigilant these horned, black sheep are not a popular choice amongst flufflovers. They are like the local hard-bitten slag down at the boozer, good for a little fumble but will batter you around and leave you with a vague sense of guilt and the need to have a damn good shower. They are known for their complete disregard for their lovers, even to go so far as to just carry on eating the grass as if nothing is happening.

4 points

Border Leicester

A large sheep who moves with deceptive grace, has well developed chest and hind muscles. Can be a bit of a clinger, once the act of love has been consummated it never leaves the person alone. It can also get very jealous and fight with other sheep if it thinks you have straying eyes. This sheep has an easily accessible g-spot about 4 inches in and has been known to have loud and dramatic orgasms.

Boreray

One of the first sheep to be imported to our shores, they are a hardy but diminutive sheep standing at just 55cm at the withers. Their small stature makes them ideal for those who do not like to wrestle their fluffbrides and they remain tight and accommodating throughout a protracted relationship. One thing to note is their tendency to bleat loudly after the act of love is completed. Take this into consideration if you tryst is meant to be clandestine, There has been incidents where the bleating has lead to the couple to be caught.

5 points

British Milksheep

Ah, the grand matron of the flufflove scene. This even tempered beauty is known for its steady calm personality and excellent mothering instincts. They have excellent stamina and are willing to endure the more vigorous and energetic bout of lovemaking. It is worth noting that once control over them has been established they are pliant in a number of positions. It is not unknown for them to be propped up against a post and for them to hug their lover with their forelegs. The sex can be OK but nothing to write home about.

6 points

Cambridge

Not a friendly sheep at all. Early theories about their violent disposition towards human love attributed their attitude towards a ovine lesbianism, but this was debunked in the 1957 seminal work on ovineaphilia by a Dr T. R Madena. He put their violent tendencies down to the simple fact that they do not like to be entered. If you are going to try some flufflove on the Cambridge then only approach it when it is sedated. There has been a number of deaths from people who have attempted a bit of “jiggy jiggy” with this sheep. They turn into whirling dervishes of woolly mayhem and use their teeth and hooves to good effect.

40 points if not sedated.

5 points if sedated.

Castlemilk Moorit

Britain’s rarest sheep, little is known about the sexual habits of this elusive little minx, but by all accounts the coupling can be wild and energetic with the Castlemilk being quite forward and demanding. In appearance it is a long legged, short tailed sheep with a light tan fleece with patterned markings.

25 points

Charmoise Hill

A most energetic and lively sheep. The Charmoise is a white faced and white legged sheep with a deep body coated in a tight fleece of good quality. It has the most excellent conformation with short neck well muscled loins and strong legs. An attractive sheep but it is high maintenance, needed constant attention and grooming. If left ungroomed large winnits can form on it’s behind.

12 points

Charollais

A medium to large breed with the ewe’s averaging around 95kg. The body is long with a wellbroad muscled loin and wide deep chest. The head is wool free, pinkish/grey in colour now and again with spots. The line of the shoulders should retain a wedge shape which is so important for ease of lambing. It is not uncommon for Charollais to form deep meaningful relationships with other sheep. This can manifest itself with two ewe’s demanding attention at the same time, turning a sexual encounter into a menagerie.

8 points

Club Forest

A very alert and intelligent sheep they also make very loyal companions, learning to anticipate their lovers every need and desire. They pick up tricks and techniques quite rapidly. The sex can be quite spectacular once a relationship has been established. One downside is the regular need for the sheep to undergo a traumatic sheep-dip at least once every 6 weeks. This can cause the sheep to sulk, also if the sheep-dip is too strong it can leave a residue on the sheep’s behind that can cause irritation around the japs eye. A condom is recommended for a few days after a sheepdip.

10 points

Colbred

A non-descript sheep of medium height and medium appearance. They are exceptionally stupid even for sheep and are adverse to being separated from the flock. One word of warning is not to wear anything suede. They can turn on anyone wearing suede and having a flockload of irate colbreds trampling on you is not conductive to good health and long life.

5 points

Dalesbred

A hardy horned hill sheep of ragged appearance it has a black face with two distinctive white marks either side of its nostrils. They are known for it abundant fur and appalling pungent odour. When wet they can smell like a tramps undercarriage. If this smell can be overcome a Dalesbred can be a loving and erstwhile companion, although a bit on the rough side. Think of Shirley of Eastenders and you will not be far off the mark.

8 points

Dartmoor (grayface)

A hairy tangle of wet desire. Their is something alluring and a little naughty about the Dartmoor breed, maybe it’s the long luxurious wool, or maybe it’s the feel of its tongue lapping at the base of your neck when it is down on its back or maybe it’s the bangs of hair cascading over its eyes. It also has a deep and throaty bleet that any disconcerting ovinaphiliac running for the nearest bullclip and velco gloves. All in all a deeply satisfying shag.

12 points

Devon And Cornwall Longwool

Its messy appearance and fierce body odour masks a surprisingly gentle and accommodating fuck. Winnits can be a real issue here and it has been known for a stray winnit to be caught in the cock nostril and cause a nasty infection. This infection can be cleared up with a broad spectrum antibiotic but the hospital will recognise the infection and alert the authorities.

9 points

Dorset Down

A right little goer this one. What appears to be a neat, tidy, alert and quiet demeanor hides a cock-hungry personality. Sheep of this breed are like the geekey girl in American Pie, all prim and proper on the outside but once you get them alone in a barn they turn into dirty little whore's. Can be intimidating for the beginner so be warned.

9 points

Friesland

A sheep of the larger build, Ewe's can weigh up to 100kg, they use their bulk to good advantage dominating a encounter unless the flufflover takes firm control early on. Can be sexually demanding and is not adverse to making inappropriate advantages at inopportune times.

7 points

Gotland

An exceptionally beautiful sheep with a thick, glossy, luxurious grey fleece but this can sometimes be black, white or brown. They look and feel wonderful but they are disappoining in matters of a carnal nature. Their beauty hides a frigid heart and sex will be cursory at best. They have a weakness for silk though, if showered with gifts of silk I.e a bridle, they can be persuaded to give oral, they refuse to swallow though and can sulk and throw a fit if you try and make them do so.

5 points

Hampshire Down

Face and ears are a rich deep brown, approaching ebony, with wool over the crown and forehead. Wool is white with an average length. Body deep and symmetrical with ribs well sprung, broad, straight back, flat loins, wide rump and deep strongly defined muscled hind legs and breast. Legs being strongly jointed and powerful. They have an awesome body but have the face of a bag ladies balloon knot. They may indeed be facially challenged but by thunder do they make up for it! A demanding yet willing to experiment mistress in bed they make outstanding lovers and are fiercely loyal. Highly recommended.

12 points

Hebridean

A very small sheep with distinctive appearance. They have black long fur which sheds water well and two to four horns. Because of their small size their has emerged a distict sub-culture amongst ovineaphiliacs for those who prefer the smaller sheep. Hebridean's can be surly and aggressive despite their size and are not a pushover. If approached right, their horns can be used as a excellent handle to hold on to.

4 points

Herdwick

The Goth of the sheep world, Black wool and white face framed by gothic horns give this ovine a macabre appearance. It also has a tendency to sulk a lot. The herdwick has a tendency to smell and appear dirty so if coupling is to be attempted it may be worthwhile to throw it in a pond before hand or something. Can become needy and irritating.

4 points

Hill Radnor

Unlike many sheep breeds the Hill Radnor is quite resilient against contagions and diseases, this makes them ideal for group sessions and for film making. The sheep itself is a large, heavy breed and is a native hill or mountain breed most commonly found in the Border counties running from the North of Powys down to South West Herefordshire and Monmouthshire. Sex can be dramatic and energetic and the ovine can be quite vocal. Due to its size and sexual habits the Hill Radnor is not an ideal starter sheep.

3 points

Icelandic

Not a popular choice amongst seasoned flufflovers. The Icelandic is course, rude and aggressive in appearance and in habits. It smells like a dead dogs ballbag and its wool is lank and greasy to the touch. Sex is dull and uninspiring and it is prone to flatulence during sex. Unless you are a pervert keep clear of this sheep.

2 points

Ile De France

On appearance this sheep is nothing special, It is of medium height and weight, uniform in colour with a thick fleece. When it is alone it turns into a sexual dynamo, there is nothing too dirty or degrading for this nymphomatic ovine. To be honest it can be a bit much at times. Makes an exceptional lamb hotpot, which when made in a slow cooker is truly a revelation.

4 points

Jacob

I shit you not, this sheep looks like a cow and it even acts like a fucking cow. Something went wrong somewhere when this bizarre chimera was made. It is of slightly smaller stature than average and it is basically pure white with black splodges, the head and neck is black with a white blaze on the face. The Jacob is particularly adept at oral, just like dairy farmers with their “calf suckling” trick, this confused ovine like nothing more than giving head. And it swallows. Win.

10 points

Kerry Hill

This sheep boasts the softest wool of all the British sheep breeds, soft to the touch, compliant yet resilient the fleece is much sought after and farmers can take a dimmer view than normal if you are caught tampering with one of these. Just like sex with a fat bird, sex with a Kerry Hill is fun with plenty of sheep to hold on to, and just like fat birds they try and little bit harder to please without being clingy or going all emo. Their soft fleece and cuddly physique makes them ideal companions on cold lonely nights.

7 points

Llanwenog

A truly disturbed mental case of a sheep. It is totally unpredictable and is accursed with frequent and profound mood swings, If any sheep was schizophrenic then this welsh nutter is it. Can be all cuddly, loving and attentive one moment and then Bang! It is trying to dig its way to Australia using your forehead as a spade, The sex reflects this personality swing, it can be demure, passive and all proper or it can be a raving, filthy beast, trying to bugger you with its hoof whilst you try frantically to please it. In appearance it is compact, neat and tight curled with a white fleece and a neat crop of curly fur on its forehead. It has a black face with alert, erect ears and mad staring eyes. Cannot put into words how fucking mental this sheep is.

8 points

Lonk

A hill sheep of surprisingly neat appearance, hill sheep are normally more rugged. It averages around 45-50kg and so can be easily wrestled if it is playing hard to get. It has the ability to sit on its hind quarters like a dog, so the more adventurous flufflover can coach it to go on top. To coach the Lonk you can reward it with a mixture of dandelion leaves, wheat and dock leaves. The sheep is silent throughout the encounter. The sheep has been known to take a dislike to people with brummie accents.

5 points

Manx Loaghtan

Known for its intolerance and antiquated views, this Isle of Man sheep does not take kindly to an approach. Be very careful if you take a shine to one of these, they can be violent and reticent and are known to gossip amongst themselves. Because of this, take care when approaching an area populated by these, if you have had some flufflove with one of these previous you can find the entire flock after you. The term “a manx beating” refers to a flock of sheep kicking seven types of fuck out of someone who has shagged one of them on a previous occasion and the vindictive ovine has took it upon itself to tell all its little buddies. These are multihorned and can be of a neat appearance or of a ragged appearance. Be warned.

5 points

Meatlinc

A huge sheep averaging around 140 kg this beast is very well muscled and may need two people to control it. It is very scared of fire though and so a little campfire lit in front of it will encourage the sheep to push back more, enhancing the experience for the fluffer. Can become boisterous and rough when it smells food on you so be careful. Bizarrely it has a soft spot of mints and likes to suck on the milder ones. This is good for those people who enjoy their lover to give head, by rubbing a mint on the penis will cause the Meatlinc to nosh down on it like there is no tomorrow.

8 points

Norfolk Horn

An average sized sheep but with exceptionally long black legs. |It is horned and these hornes can be used to hold on to. Like other breeds it can become clingy. A protracted relationship is not recommended as it can let itslf go and the nice attractive looker you started to go out with can turn into a haggard, winnit-arsed, pungent, shitty mess. It also has a tendency to stare unnervingly at fluffers who are in the midst of shagging them, this can be off putting so a blindfold or a tight tether is a must.

7 points

North Of England Mule

Known for their fighting habits and their like of strong lagers, this rough sheep is very hardy and can survive and prosper in the most adverse of conditions. The North of England Mule is also promiscuous and so a condom is recommended. Although it is not adverse to sleeping around, it takes a dim view if it thinks you have been sleeping with others. It can become violent and very abusing if it thinks you have disrespected it in some way. In appearance it is hornless with a brown/white face. It has long fur with a slight crimp.

4 points

Oxford Down

A veritable monster of a sheep, this is Britain's largest breeds and it is bred exclusively for its meat. Shagging this is just like in “normal” everyday life where sex with a larger lady is fun and satisfying, but sex with an obese chick is repulsive and spiritually repugnant. This is the same for the Oxford Down. It is just too big for sex to be any good. The only time you should approach one of these is for curiosity sake or if you are part of the “Chubbyfluff” scene. It also eats all the fucking time, even when it is being shagged. One good point is that it likes to lick the sweat off various body parts.

8 points

Romney

This is the jewel in the crown for those with a kinkier view of flufflove. This sheep just loves bondage, especially with leather gear. There is a thriving blackmarket of specialist leather gear that is just for the worldwide Romney lovers market. Gear such as the ovine variable width bridle, the back strapped or belly strapped corset, the crotchless sheep knickers, the ovine gimp mask, the webbed body stocking and the all body harness, all in various colours and grades of leather. Sex is wild and very energetic with the sheep leading the way. The sheep can also be very demanding and authoritarian. Not really ideal if all you want is a quick, casual roll in the hay and off to the boozer afterwards.

15 points

Rough Fell

An attractive, proud looking sheep, it is of average to large height with a horned black head with a definite white patch on the nose. The body is large and long with a broad loin, strong body and legs with a noble bearing. It prefers to have long and gentle lovemaking with cuddling and smalltalk afterwards. Not what you want if you prefer the sex to be dramatic and lively. It absolutely not partake in oral sex, receiving or giving and it will take umbrage if you do not spend at least 20 minutes on foreplay.

9 points

Ryeland

Chubby in appearance it is suprisingly firm and solid to the touch. Has exceptionally strong hindquarters and it likes it rough. A good light spanking around the rear and being cock-slapped in the face makes it bleat in pleasure. It also likes the fluffer to talk dirty when being spanked. It is also very playful but this can have consequences. It is not unknown for another sheep to pick up the fluffers clothes in its mouth when he is “on the job” and run off. This has actually lead to beatings and arrests,

6 points

Scotch Mule

A frankly ugly sheep with no redeeming features what so ever. A poor shag and of dubious personal hygiene, this ovine is to be avoided. It also has the unwanted reputation for defecating in the midst off being shagged. Not what you want to be honest. It is a progeny of the Blackface ewe and the Bluefaced Leicester ram. This medium sized, cross-bred has a piebald brown face while the fine white wool should have a curled appearance.

2 points

Shetland

A lot of controversy exists in flufflove circles about sex with a shetland. Being of extreme diminutive stature a lot of fluffers considers sex with a shetland as wrong and perverse. The feeling is so strong in some quarters that people are of the opinion that fluffers who have sex with Shetlands should sign a register once a week and give accounts of their day to day activities. The average ewe weighs in at 35kg.

3 points

Soay

Likes group sex in a big way and this has to be experienced at least once. To have an entire flock of sheep cater for your every need should be on every flufflovers bucket list. They are gentle with you and very considerate to the fluffer. It is possible for 20-30 sheep all around you awaiting to make their contribution whilst 4-5 are actually physically attending to you. There is a couple of downsides to it though, the first is that it can attract unwanted attention, nothing will peek a farmers curiosity more than a flock of sheep all circling around someone with there pants down. The second is that sometimes they can get jealous of each other, this can lead to fighting amongst themselves. In appearance they are of medium size and their fur is thick and usually light brown or white in appearance.

15 points

Southdown

A sheep with a squat, compact and muscular build. It is neat and tidy and quite fastidious in its habits. The sex reflects this attitude. The sheep wants everything “just right”. It will not male love in rain or in mud, it demands exemplary personal hygiene from the fluffer and it will not settle for anything less than a full blown orgasm. If the lover does not give the sheep an orgasm than all hell can break loose.

8 points

Teeswater

A screamer, this one has a very loud, high pitched bleat that because of some peculiar sonic quirk echoes for miles around, because of this sex with a Teeswater is not recommended except in the more remote of area's, and even then do it in a thunderstorm. It is of a dirty appearance but this is just the hue of the fleece, the sheep is suprisingly clean and pleasant smelling. If you have a friend who is into flufflove it is worth noting that the Teeswater is wiling to be spitroasted.

5 points

Texel

The head is usually covered with fine white hair with only the occasional black flecks on the ears. The nose should be black and the ears carried forward at ten-to-two. A short neck, well padded loin, square quarters and well rounded thighs are features of the body. A curvy delight of a ewe, the sex is joyful, warm and very satisfactory. One of the more sexually liberated of the sheep breeds, it can be trained to do anything with a bit of perseverance and patience,

10 points

Wensleydale

Another of the huge breeds, this hovers on average around the 130kg mark. Its thick fleece can make it appear bigger and it is truly imposing and intimidating for veterans and novices alike. It is surprisingly gentle and timid despite its size and because of this it is good for those people who like their sheep on the larger size but are unwilling to get into a bout of wrestling for the sake of some flufflove. It makes odd high pitched little squeaks during lovemaking

7 points

That concludes the descriptions of the majority of the British breeds. The points that are given should be used as a guide to the quality of the flufflove. The points can be used just like a train-spotting book or guide.

Pissed off

IRKED

In this blog I have already wrote about things that make me happy I.e a flash of a young ladies breast, family, people having bad shit happen to them, Cheryl Cole with her face on fire and beautiful women acknowledging my existence, I thought it would only be natural to write about things that FUCK ME OFF.

Somethings in life irk me, as a rule I do not like being irked, in fact being irked is right up there with snapping my banjo and googling “BLUEWAFFLE” as things that I do not like. (google it with the adult filter off, I dare you) Just like the A to Z of perversity and Joy, this will be added to every so often when they occur to me. To start with lets start with a good one, something that gets on my tits every time I see it.

DOGSHIT

In this day and age there is no good reason why dogshit should be on the street. It is disgusting pure and simple. Can anyone like to inform me why people let there dogs shit on the street, don't bother, I already know. It is because they are subhuman scum and deserved to be euphanased and then ironically used as dog food. If you have not got the fucking mental faculty to clean up after your mutt you do not frankly deserve to draw another breath. How fucking dare you let you mutt pollute the fields, streets and playgrounds where our children play and let them run the risk of catching Toxicariasis. Is it because you have no moral compass and think of solely yourself, is it because your uncle peter bathed you and told you that you would sink if he took his thumb out, or is it that you are too fucking lazy to pick it up, put it in a plastic bag and dispose of it properly. God! I hate dogshit. Bollocks to Peter Kay talking about white furry dogshit, its all bad.

Saying that, I just reminded myself of a story concerning dogshit. It happened whilst I was at school, there was a lad, lets call him, “Mick” he was a right fucking swot and actually brought a briefcase to school with him (I shit you not). This briefcase over the coarse of the third year became rather tattered and torn. In physics we where just learning about how things emitted set amounts of discrete energy when they burned. I cannot remember how it came about but our class idiot brought some dogshit into class, ( I think it was on his shoe but I cannot properly remember) Some enterprising and bored individual decided to wrap some of this dogtoffee in foil and heat it up with a bunsen burner. The smell was outrageous, nothing, and I fucking mean nothing, has ever twatted my nostrils with such venom. As you know I appreciate a good fart but this smell was not fuckin cricket. Dog shit is appalling at the best of times, but heat it up and Oh My God. In a frenzied state of panic someone hit this foil with a ruler and it flew off and believe it or not got lodged in a hole in the briefcase. Well, the classroom was emptied and the briefcase was took outside and took care of. A letter home to all the people involved was the result of that. 

  

CHAVS

More subhuman scum, but these have comedy value. There is actually a website that list's Hyde. www.chavtowns.co.uk. Everyone has seen them, on a street corner, hanging around the local off licence or huddled together outside the benefits office. There is something fundamentally comical about someone who wears clothes so absurd they would make a blindman blush, who talk in a jive so ludicrous they make my farts seem like a Shakespearean monologue. They take themselves sooo fucking serious as well, they are worse than Goths and Emo's. At least there are some attractive Goths and emo's. Chavs look like unwashed shitclots that have crawled up from the nearest sewer. I have wrote a simple questionnaire to ascertain if in fact you are a chav.

CHAVTEST

1 Where in the following are you most likely to shop?

A Tesco

B Clone Zone

C Asda

D Shop? I fuckin nick it!

2 What make of clothes are you more likely to wear?

A Benson and Clegg bespoke suit

B Doe hide leather gimp suit, black 28 gauge latex buttplug, nippleclamps and a inverted spike cockring.

C Black jeans, Whitesnake T-shirt, cowboy boots and a bullet belt

D Fake addidas shell-suit and Burberry cap

3 Your first thought when told you have £10k to spend

A Give it to my gardener as a early xmas tip.

B Fuck off to Thailand to fuck yourself mental with sexually ambiguous ladyboys

C Have a delirium induced breakdown, Go on a three week bender spending it all on whores, coke and booze.

D You become giddy and sexually excited about blinging your wheels out with some “phat hubs”

4 What is your preferred foot attire?

A Some nice Italian calf leather loafers

B high heels on a sat night for the show

C The skin of your dead mother

D White Reebok Classic

5 Who is your dream girl?

A Elizabeth hurley

B Gary “ratboy” Neville

C Lorraine Kelly

D Jordan or Cheryl Cole.

6 Who would you class as your ideal role model

A Gordon Grecko

B Michael Barrymore

C John Wayne

D Dappy

7 Do you wash?

A Of course! You silly man.

B Yup, nescafe enema every morning

C yes, three times a day, whether I need it or not

D Eh?

8 What does the word curious mean to you?

A I am curious whether the drop in the euro interest rate will affect my holdings in sweden

B I hope my new workmate is

C I am curious if I can actually wank myself daft

D What the fuck does that mean? Innit.

9 What is your dream career?

A Trader on the stockmarket

B Hairdresser/catholic priest

C James Bond

D Jeremy Kyle contestant

10 What is your favourite meal?

A Seared scallops from bay of Biscay, pickled veal liver in a merlot and truffle sauce.

B Some nice canapés with a babycham

C Tikka chicken sashlick on a garlic nan, hot sauce, no salad and 6 cans of wife beater.

D Pot Noodle

If your scored mostly A's you are a toff and need to be brought down a peg or two, its wankers like you in our banking system that is costing me more tax whist getting less for my council tax. Its cretins like you who is taking police off the street so drug dealers, chavs and dog walkers can pollute and rule our streets. Fuck you! I hope you experience the heartache and misery abject poverty brings to families. Have you lost your home because of someone losing their jobs? Fuck no! You laugh at us poor people. I despise you and every crooked capitalist bone in your body.

B's. You, my friend are most probably a bit “fruity”. You are what is known in some circles as “Good with colours”or “knows whats in his flowerbeds”. If not, you are definitely a bit “sexually adventurous”. Just hope you are more John Barrowman than Graham Norton. I cannot stand Graham Norton, he has took being camp and milked the same joke for the last 15 years. John Igman and Julian Clary have done it to much better affect than him. The cunt.

C's You are mister/misses normal, you have infrequent bouts of madness but overall you are quite normal.

D's You are a chav. You are the bottom of the evolutionary ladder, in fact you have devolved into something less than human. You have took the stigma of being a educationally challenged, sponge on society and embarrassment to your family into a point of pride. For you getting an ASBO is more sexually exciting than sniffing your finger having first touched a ladies naughty bits. Even Goths and Emo's have more social standing than the parasite that you aspire to be.

  

So all in all, if you are a chav, you are a scabrous vaginal discharge, you are basically the dregs of humanity. You admittedly have some comedy value but to be honest you could do with being rounded up with all your other stupid and ghastly chav buddies, herded in a field and then napalmed.

B

So, I decided to don my Sherlock Holmes hat and do a touch of research. So here below, at great personal expense is the second part of the A to Z of perversity.

BACKWARDS COWGIRL:

A sexual position favored by those unfortunate males who have trapped off with a lady “who has a lovely personality”. Also favored by those “experimental” types who are having sex with a ladyboy but do not want the guilt and confusion created by watching the ladyboy's cock and balls bouncing hypnotically up and down. It is basically the women on top facing the males feet. Can be beneficial if the ladies arse is more attractive than her face. i.e Cheryl Cole.

BAREBACK:

  The act of having unprotected sex. Most often than not in the Anus. Very good chance of having some half digested food lodged in your Cock nostril as demonstrated in the A section of this A to Z. Not the safest thing to do, especially if the lady (or man) is less than fastidious about who they sleep with. A good lubricant is also recommended. I will talk at length later in the series about lubricants. Some "steeply-inclined horticulturists" like to keep lubricant in a jar or in a tub. A popular jape is to put pepper or another itchy substance in with the lube

BASOEXIA

Also known as “Schoolboys Radge” This when you get very sexually aroused by just kissing. Not to make excuses but that does explain some “accidents” at xmas visiting my relatives...ah well.

BDSM

Oh boy. This stands for "Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism" It is a very broad field with many sub sections and area's. Remember that mp who got found dead, naked, with an apple in his gob and a bin liner over his head, on helmstead heath? He was into BDSM. It can even evolve out of a sexual kick into a lifestyle. To be honest this entire genre needs an piece for itself. So to keep it short I will list a few subsections.
 Bondage: leather, rope, bandages, underwear, cat guts, chains, all these and more are used to tie/restrict the "bottom" or "submissive"
 Whipping: Hitting the "bottom" with varying strength using, whips, canes, etc. normally when the submissive is bound in some way.
 CBT (Cock and Ball Torture) : The less we say about this the better I think.
 Wax play : Can be quite a soothing and sensual form of BDSM. Normally wax melts at around 130 degrees, by adding various oils, salts and minerals you can decrease this to make a more sensual and erotic experience or increase it to make it more pain oriented.

  Golden showers (urinating): It begs the simple question, why?
    I have a mate, for legal reasons I will call him "Joe". Joe was seeing this older women from ashton and they decided to be a bit experimental and try some "wet play". What she had not counted on though was Joe downing nine pints of strongbow prior to this golden coupling. Joe got home and decked the bathroom with towels. She proceeded to get naked and kneel down in front of him, giggling in aroused anticipation from the naughty light sprinkling of what she thought was going to be a light rain. She was wrong, oh so very wrong.. A full afternoon of strongbow erupted from his penis into her face. She screamed in shock and got a mouthful, Joe could not stop though, even when she was sobbing he carried on pissing on her. They split up not long after this.
Strap on play:  Either between two women "who wear comfortable shoes" Or even more disturbingly a women on a man. This is when the "top" wears a phallic device that resembles an erect penis and then either buggers the man or has intercourse with the other women. (For those who remember Stefan Postma from Aston Villa, He was "allegedly caught on video being bummed by his girlfriend with a strap on. Google it)
 Sexual roleplay: Can be a fun and easy introduction into the world of BDSM. I think most people have experimented with some form of roleplay in their lives.
Medical play: We all played doctors and nurses at school, well this is the grown up version. The japanese are into this in a big way. They even have a paraphilia for amputees (Acrotomophilia). Who I defy any heterosexual man not to get the raging horn when he visits hospital and see's some of theme dickteases in uniform.
 Erotic electrostimulation: This frankly baffles me. This is the simulation of the penis, scrotum, anus or vagina by electric shocks. I may actually give this a go to see what all the fuss is about, give me 5 mins..................                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      .............................................. That fucking hurt.

Thats enough for now on BDSM, I may return to it on a future date.    oh and a bit of advice, do not attach your cock to anything electrical.


BEE STINGS
The sadomasochistic use of bees to sting the penis, which stings are said to extend the duration and intensity of penile orgasms, enhance sensations and increase penile circumference. The bee stings, it is claimed, are almost painless. Two bees are placed in a jar which is shaken to render the bees dizzy; these are then grabbed by the wings and placed each side of the shaft just below the glans penis and squeezed to provoke stinging. CAUTION: Poisonous venom can have serious effects on about 5% of males. Any of the following symptoms of anaphylactic shock following a bee sting requires immediate medical care:
- a) Difficulty in breathing'
- b) Chest pain.
- c) Dizziness.
- d) Nausea or vomiting.
- e) Edema or general swelling.
- f) Blue coloration of lips.
- g) Weak pulse.
  Getting any sort of creature to attack your cock is not fucking clever at all, but getting bees to sting your length to increase its size is on the far side of mental. No ifs or buts, anyone who does this needs to have a long in-depth talk to those nice men in white coats.

BESTIALITY
 I think it was either Morrisey or Billy Bragg who sang about his love of his animals (not Michael Jackson)
   Bestiality,    you can bring your chimp to tea
   Bestiality     your laws do not apply to me.

I have already wrote in depth about the love of sheep by some cultures and people. But sheep are not the only sexual targets of men throughout the ages. Goats, horses, chickens!, cows, camels and dolphins have all been historically linked with zooaphilia. There are even weirdos who marry there animal "freinds"
 The video below is wrong and disturbing.  Proper trailer park trash. It is a youtube video so there is no explicit content.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JD7UCNYnp3o

Isolation from human contact is attributed to a lot of bestiality throughout the ages. The sexualization of animals stems from this isolation. Todays society is also a hotbed of isolation and ostracisation. People who society deem as subnormal are further pushed into loneliness and so they get the horn over fuckin animals or they bestow animals with female sexual features.

                                                           This is wrong on so many levels.


I am off to watch football now, so until I add more to the "B's" tomorrow, here is a picture of my brother and my mate together in Belgium.

     









   

Hacked Warcraft account

Back in the days when I played World Of Warcraft, someone hacked my account. here is the post I created at the time for the guilds website.

HACKED ACCOUNT RANT

I am a nice man. I am, honest. I like looking at wildlife, like the feel of the breeze in my ginger (chest) hair, I give money to various charities, I have even refrained from wiping my cock on the curtains. I try and be civil to everyone, even when they are diseased scum. I try and not imagine what people will look like with their heads on a stick, I even say "excuse me" when I fart on the bus. All those things are nice, they are civilised because I am a fucking nice person. but some things make me slightly miffed.

I have been hacked, of all the fuckin low-down bastard tricks to do to someone that is the worst. I wish I could find the person(s) who did it, oooohhhh what fun I would have. I would start on the feet.

FEET:

I would place them in a sitting position, bound and immobile with the soles of their feet showing. Then I would get a heavy bamboo stick around 40 inches long and spend around 20 minutes on each foot, with each blow progressively heavier than the last. After the first 5 minutes there will be some broken bones in each appendage so I would give each foot a heavy massage, making sure that all the shattered bone ends grind against each other. After this initial 20 minutes They will have realised I have took umbrage. I will then move on to the legs.

LEGS:

I think breaking the legs will be too easy, too crass. So this is what I will do. I would make a fire, nice and hot. On this fire I will burn his children’s undergarments. This hopefully will get him worried. Also on the fire would be to fist size rocks. Once these rocks are nice and hot I will place them behind the knee and then bend the legs so there (shattered) heels touch their buttocks. I will hold them in this pose until the tendons shrink and there legs are permanently crooked, never to straighten again. Next up is the arms. Oh what fun!

ARMS

A is for Arms, it is also for amputation. By now with their feet shattered and their legs forever bent, I hopefully have their undivided attention. I think amputation is more fun when you try and take a light-hearted approach. So using a child’s knife I will saw through the skin, fat and tendons until I get to the bone. To stop them bleeding to death I will use a tourniquet with their spouse's clothes. The bone will be a slightly tougher prospect, so using a vice and a lump hammer I will detach the left arm above and the right arm below the elbow.

Torso

Here is where it gets creative. Everyone has a favourite pet, or teddy bear (mine is called "moist") so here goes. I will humanly put the aforementioned pet to sleep, then I will slice open the abdomen. Now here is the clever bit, The human skin is remarkably stretchy and elastic, the skin over the abdomen especially. I will place the dead pet (in a plastic bag, you have to be careful of germs) into the stomach cavity and sow the skin shut. If they have lost consciousness at this point, wake them up this neat alcohol to the eyes or film the procedure. You could use their loved ones for this procedure, but like I said, I am a nice man.

Buttocks and Genitals.

Tie them against a wall and kick them in the balls until they pass out, wake them up using the method described above and then do it again. Do this until your legs get tired or their scrotum pops. Ideally you want their scrotum intact for the next bit. Remember Grace Jones? Remember that picture of her with a dead long neck? Thats the affect you will be looking for here. Get a elastic band and attach it to the top of the scrotum, keep twisting the elastic band tighter until it is at breaking point, if it is of decent thickness (10mm x 2mm) you should be able to distend the scrotum by around 3 inches. By now the scrotum will look like two ping-pong balls in a shrinking purple sac. You now have a choice:

1 repeatedly hit the purple orbs with a rolling pin until they burst, or

2 rub enthusiastically with sandpaper.

I hope you have not thrown away the amputated arms, you need one of them. Shove it up his arse. You will need to achieve at least 7 inches of penetration for it to become really uncomfortable.

HEAD

They need to be roughly shaved, with a blunt razor. Then using a thick needle. Sew their lips together and then (using a smaller needle) sew their eyes open. Sewing is so much fun wooppeee! Off come their ears! But wait! You have some thread left, so what the fuck, sew their ears to their forehead and chin.

Bastards, that will teach them.

I have not been on for a few days and what happens? Some low birthed, poxed, bastard of a diseased whore goes and helps themselves to my account. I hope to fuck they are forced to watch the remake of highlander over and over again until their brains dribble out of their nostrils. All of that above is a bit too angry, I am calm now, I will settle for the highlander remake torture, you see I am a nice man.

Joy

       
I thought I would write a little about Joy. Well Joy, happiness and what I find funny I suppose would be a better description.
  What prompted me was something that happened the other day. I was coming home from work and we stopped at the traffic lights outside The Cheshire Cheese in Hyde. On my side of the road was a young lady pushing a pram. I was idly watching her when she bent over to get something from the pram, At that moment The Great Ginger in the sky smiled at me and I got a glimpse down her top, now I didn't see much really, no luscious curve of taunt pert breast, no inviting Areola or rock hard quivering nipple, no, I just saw a dark cleft and a flash of white skin which I knew was tit. It was enough, It was not even that much sexual thrill, it was something more mundane, it was the basic joy of a clandestine glimpse at something that is normally hidden, but it made me happy and improved my mood for the rest of the day. This set me thinking about shit that makes you happy. I have started a list, it is in no way exhaustive or complete, it is just what I am thinking at the moment.

 Family
    Of course this comes first. The most fundamental joy and happiness is that which your family gives you. When that day arrives when you decide to hang up your wings and settle down you embark on a stage of life that gives you the best highs. When your kids are born is immense. The spectacle itself is horrific and there is waaay to much blood, shouting and man hate in the room for my liking. I used to work with a lad we called "Doris", he is a good mate of mine so I will not divulge anything about the peanut butter and bicycle pump incident. Anyway I once told Doris that one day there will be a religion based on Me. The first part of my master plan happened when I got ordained a few years ago (true story). The second phase kicked in when Charlotte and Jack where born, there was more gingers in the world ready to do my bidding.HAHAHAHAH.        Fuck!! I have lost track of the article....was was I?
  The Joy of a child being born is indescribable, something fundamental and Divine happens when your baby opens its eyes and looks at you and when they grow up the love they give is unconditional. The love of a wife/partner is conditional you see, there is only so many times you can wipe you cock on the curtains, give them a dirty Sanchez, fart against their leg in bed or shag someone else before they tell you to FUCK OFF!! and they stop loving you. The love of a child is unconditional though, to them you are a hero, you are super daddy and the center of their life is the family unit, the joy this feeling gives you is probably the emotion that gives you the most happiness in life.
  Getting married or having the love of a life partner is also joyful. I feel joy in being married to Tracey and I know for a fact that Tracey wakes up every morning and thanks the great Ginger in the sky for my existence.

 Schadenfreude
  This is the German word for laughing at others misfortune. There is no equivalent in the English Language that sums it up.
 Everyone laughs at other peoples misfortune, its a fact and anyone who says different is a liar. Even Mother Teresa laughed herself wet when she met the pope and one of the leading cardinals tripped over his robe, fell down some steps and soiled himself.
 I, Myself have a weakness at laughing at other peoples misfortune, its true, most people think of me as a saintlike figure, dispensing kindness and wisdom to stranger and friend alike, but I have a darker side, I like to have a good wheeze and chortle at other people.I am ashamed to say that I take great Joy in watching people make cocks of themselves or suffer some other random badness.I will share a few instances with you. There are probably thousands of stories I can tell but I will use these few because they have come up in conversation in the last few weeks.
    Naked Dean and the Dogshit
              My mate Dean like to get naked in public, a lot, hence the name. Anyway, back in the day we used to hang about on street corners, the town hall, the canal, the park and the fields near our houses. This one day some extraordinarily envisioned individual had either put some dogshit intact on the bottom of the slide or miraculously got their dog to climb on the slide and shit there. We were all stood around admiring the spectacle when I noticed one of the lads Ogo, bend down to pick something up, it was a large stone. I grabbed Galley and ran away from the slide just as Ogo threw the stone. Naked Dean was not fast enough, the stone landed with unerring accuracy in the center of the dogtoffee and it exploded. This was piss funny and when Naked Dean started screaming the amusement reached legendary proportions. A lump of dogshit had landed on Naked Deans face, covering his nostrils and a bit of his mouth. This was Schadenfreude at its best.
  It was not the only time that Naked Dean came a cropper on this slide, 15 years before jackass came to screen we were doing Jackass stuff. We had got hold of a rocket that had lost its stick, we decided the best use of this was to fire at Naked Dean. We stuck him at the top of the slide, the bit where the slide meets the stairs and there is a little frame. Naked Dean stood there with his legs apart and his back to us. To say he was happy with this arrangement would frankly be a lie but here we were. Ogo lit the rocket and we all cheered in anticipation. The rocket flew but it did not fly true. It hit the slides side on its way up and flew into Naked Dean. He fell off the top of the slide onto the concrete below and hurt himself but we did not care, the site of the rocket hitting Naked Deans arse in a shower of sparks was quite possibly one of the funniest things we had ever seen.

A bad taste in the mouth

  In the summer of '93 we managed to go to 14 house parties in 9 weeks. The most infamous of these was probably "Mansels Party" I have been asked by another of one of the lads to write a full article about this night and I will eventually but for now let me share with you the story of how Phil got Unclean.
  Two incidents happened to Phil this night, The first is when Galley picked him up by the gonads. I will tell more about that some other time, for now let me tell you about an incident that was much more horrid. Phil is a great lad and a great friend, but this following incident is still laughed about even now. Phil was a ladies man and he was bereft of any standards when it came to getting laid and so there was no women between the ages of 17 and 57 that he would not shag. Some of his conquests have been simply breathtaking in their age, size or lack of anything what society deems as an acceptable standard of attractiveness. I was in a room enjoying the company of a young lady when this incident happened. Phil was at the top of the stairs just milling around when he saw a young lady come out of one of the bedrooms and walk towards the bathroom. Phil being Phil grabbed her and started to snog her, evilly she obliged. Little did he know that Dunny had just got a blow job off her and had blown his load into her mouth, she was on the way to get rid of the gunk when Phil grabbed her. When he snogged her he also got a gobfull of Dunny's bollock porridge. When we found this out we had no sympathy., we had just ridicule and laughter. This was very very funny shit.


London trip 
 Me and my older brother decided to go down London to watch Liverpool vs Arsenal. We had a good laugh on the way down and we where in high spirits as we boarded the tram to take us to highbury. As we got nearer to highbury the tram got more and more packed until it was what you see on TV when everyone is packed together. It was like this when a scrote got on the tram with his tosser mates, you know the types. Dressing like they think west coast gansta's dress and talking like a eastenders reject, anyhoo the tram was too packed to take them all and this particular scrote decided to get on anyway. There was alot of jostling and complaining and then the doors closed. The thing is, is that this little scrote was not on properly and the doors closed on his head. It was too packed for him even to step back, so the door kept opening and then closing on his head. I freely admit I nearly pissed myself laughing.

 There we are, three examples of  Schadenfreude. The joy of other peoples misfortune.
 I suppose it would not be complete without a example of people laughing at my misfortune.

Magaluf 
 We went to Magaluf a number of times and each one was fuckin great. A lot of stuff happened on them holidays and most of it will stop there. I have no shame in admitting to be the butt of everyones amusement on this occasion though. We had gone out as usual and had got fucking wasted as per usual, but on this night we all got separated. This was not a big deal though, we just carried on drinking in whatever bar we found ourselves in. This particular night I found myself walking back to the hotel alone, I was pissed, it was hot and I thought it may be a good idea to take 40 winks on a sunbed on the beach. I woke up around 7ish a scant couple of hours later with some Spanish dude gesticulating at me and going on with himself. I guess he was not to happy with me taking a free go on his sunbed. twat. It did not take long to realise something was amiss. Some fucker had nicked my trainers when I was asleep. The fucking robbing bastards! It was a bit of a distance to the hotel and the sand and pavements where already heating up in the sun. I had to walk all the way back in my bare feet to the hotel. The lads thought this entertainment of the highest merit. It got worse. My mate Galley persuaded me to walk the 4 miles to the police station in a straw hat. I did not realise that straw hats do not stop the suns rays. When I came down with sunstroke the laughter never stopped. Bastards,



Bodily functions
I have already wrote about farting (  http://gavstjames.blogspot.com/2010/12/farts.html  . ) So I do not need to tell you the joy I have at a good fart. But Joy can be experienced in other ways. There is a saying
  "bad sex is overrated but a good shit is underrated"  You cannot really argue against that but it devalues and debases the wonderous, wonderous feeling really good sex gives you, either one your own, with a partner or in a group. Thats why we do it. simple.
 One life affirming experience is a good dump. Now generally shitting is an altogether unpleasant experience but every now and again a dump comes along that makes you smile. It could be a movement of such proportions that it actually hurts on egress, but the empty void and feeling of accomplishment it leaves you with brightens your day, or it could be the fabled Boxing Day Crap, the holy grail of all motions. This the after you have pigged yourself stupid on rich, stodgy food, undercooked turkey and sprouts all washed out by a frankly ludicrous amount of booze. The movement this generates makes you believe in God again. You wake up in the morning and you feel uncomfortable, it feels like there is a cold, hard brick that is lodged somewhere in you digestive tract, you wrestle of the choices, do I stop in bed and nurse my hangover or do I bite the bullet and go for a dump? you go for a dump. The house is littered with cardboard boxes and other detritus of xmas day, you navigate this holding your stomach which is making some very iffy noises. you reach the toilet and in a panic drop your trollies. You sit there but nothing happens...but it should!! by all rights you should be shitting your life away, it should be falling out like some old shoes put of an atic, but you are bunged up!! its an impossible position, an horrid juxoposition of your body wanting to squit and to be bunged up. It does not bode well. After a pain filled 10 minutes of frutching and begging it happens. HALLELUYAH!!  JOY of JOYS!! It falls out of you in a series of stoccato cannon blasts and all is well with the world .God does exist, he is ginger and by fuck he loves you.  The final movement type is the one that you are dreading in doing, you are expecting some pain and a big mess, but the crap just had you straining enough to get a sense of accomplishment and it comes out that intact that wiping is but a token effort.



Girls in their summer clothes 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTQQ2ktWTx8

Whilst being the title of  one of my favorite songs, it is actually the hazy happy feeling you get in the summer or spring when all the ladies where next to fuck all or something thin and gauzy. There is no feeling like it when you are in town or somewhere and the sun is shining on you, its not too hot and there is a light breeze and you see a vision, an embodiment of young, radiant, glowing vitality which is a young lady in her summer clothes. I am not even sure if it is a overly sexual thing, its just that attractive young ladies dressed in the summer stuff makes any heterosexual man smile.
 In the past me and a few of the lads have gone to the station pub at Stalybridge in the summer at 3 o clock on a friday and sat outside awaiting for the office girls to debark from the trains. The sights you see are simply magnificent. This Is joy. Thinking about it, in this instance its the contented feeling of fine company (my mates), summer weather, booze and lovely, lovely minge, In their fuckin summer clothes.

I cannot be arsed right now to carry in writing about each individual thing that makes me smile, so I will draw up a table of happy shit.

HAPPY SHIT				RATING
Farting on a train and offending someone				****
Watching Liverpool beat the manc scum				******
Watching kid take first steps				*********
Losing your virginity				*********
seeing your first boobs (that was not related)				*********
Getting the job you want				****
Seeing your children born				**********
Seeing someone fall over				******
Boxing Day Crap				****
having a drink with your mates				******
Seeing that thing off x factor WITH HER FUCKIN FACE ON FIRE				****
Girls in their summer clothes				******
Sex				*********
Really good sex				**********
Building and having a big fucking fire				****
Seeing someone gamble and lose (fart and shit themselves)				******
your first wank				****
Getting the holy trinity for the first time with a filthy lady				******