HACKED ACCOUNT RANT
I am a nice man. I am, honest. I like looking at wildlife, like the feel of the breeze in my ginger (chest) hair, I give money to various charities, I have even refrained from wiping my cock on the curtains. I try and be civil to everyone, even when they are diseased scum. I try and not imagine what people will look like with their heads on a stick, I even say "excuse me" when I fart on the bus. All those things are nice, they are civilised because I am a fucking nice person. but some things make me slightly miffed.
I have been hacked, of all the fuckin low-down bastard tricks to do to someone that is the worst. I wish I could find the person(s) who did it, oooohhhh what fun I would have. I would start on the feet.
FEET:
I would place them in a sitting position, bound and immobile with the soles of their feet showing. Then I would get a heavy bamboo stick around 40 inches long and spend around 20 minutes on each foot, with each blow progressively heavier than the last. After the first 5 minutes there will be some broken bones in each appendage so I would give each foot a heavy massage, making sure that all the shattered bone ends grind against each other. After this initial 20 minutes They will have realised I have took umbrage. I will then move on to the legs.
LEGS:
I think breaking the legs will be too easy, too crass. So this is what I will do. I would make a fire, nice and hot. On this fire I will burn his children’s undergarments. This hopefully will get him worried. Also on the fire would be to fist size rocks. Once these rocks are nice and hot I will place them behind the knee and then bend the legs so there (shattered) heels touch their buttocks. I will hold them in this pose until the tendons shrink and there legs are permanently crooked, never to straighten again. Next up is the arms. Oh what fun!
ARMS
A is for Arms, it is also for amputation. By now with their feet shattered and their legs forever bent, I hopefully have their undivided attention. I think amputation is more fun when you try and take a light-hearted approach. So using a child’s knife I will saw through the skin, fat and tendons until I get to the bone. To stop them bleeding to death I will use a tourniquet with their spouse's clothes. The bone will be a slightly tougher prospect, so using a vice and a lump hammer I will detach the left arm above and the right arm below the elbow.
Torso
Here is where it gets creative. Everyone has a favourite pet, or teddy bear (mine is called "moist") so here goes. I will humanly put the aforementioned pet to sleep, then I will slice open the abdomen. Now here is the clever bit, The human skin is remarkably stretchy and elastic, the skin over the abdomen especially. I will place the dead pet (in a plastic bag, you have to be careful of germs) into the stomach cavity and sow the skin shut. If they have lost consciousness at this point, wake them up this neat alcohol to the eyes or film the procedure. You could use their loved ones for this procedure, but like I said, I am a nice man.
Buttocks and Genitals.
Tie them against a wall and kick them in the balls until they pass out, wake them up using the method described above and then do it again. Do this until your legs get tired or their scrotum pops. Ideally you want their scrotum intact for the next bit. Remember Grace Jones? Remember that picture of her with a dead long neck? Thats the affect you will be looking for here. Get a elastic band and attach it to the top of the scrotum, keep twisting the elastic band tighter until it is at breaking point, if it is of decent thickness (10mm x 2mm) you should be able to distend the scrotum by around 3 inches. By now the scrotum will look like two ping-pong balls in a shrinking purple sac. You now have a choice:
1 repeatedly hit the purple orbs with a rolling pin until they burst, or
2 rub enthusiastically with sandpaper.
I hope you have not thrown away the amputated arms, you need one of them. Shove it up his arse. You will need to achieve at least 7 inches of penetration for it to become really uncomfortable.
HEAD
They need to be roughly shaved, with a blunt razor. Then using a thick needle. Sew their lips together and then (using a smaller needle) sew their eyes open. Sewing is so much fun wooppeee! Off come their ears! But wait! You have some thread left, so what the fuck, sew their ears to their forehead and chin.
Bastards, that will teach them.
I have not been on for a few days and what happens? Some low birthed, poxed, bastard of a diseased whore goes and helps themselves to my account. I hope to fuck they are forced to watch the remake of highlander over and over again until their brains dribble out of their nostrils. All of that above is a bit too angry, I am calm now, I will settle for the highlander remake torture, you see I am a nice man.
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