Joy

       
I thought I would write a little about Joy. Well Joy, happiness and what I find funny I suppose would be a better description.
  What prompted me was something that happened the other day. I was coming home from work and we stopped at the traffic lights outside The Cheshire Cheese in Hyde. On my side of the road was a young lady pushing a pram. I was idly watching her when she bent over to get something from the pram, At that moment The Great Ginger in the sky smiled at me and I got a glimpse down her top, now I didn't see much really, no luscious curve of taunt pert breast, no inviting Areola or rock hard quivering nipple, no, I just saw a dark cleft and a flash of white skin which I knew was tit. It was enough, It was not even that much sexual thrill, it was something more mundane, it was the basic joy of a clandestine glimpse at something that is normally hidden, but it made me happy and improved my mood for the rest of the day. This set me thinking about shit that makes you happy. I have started a list, it is in no way exhaustive or complete, it is just what I am thinking at the moment.

 Family
    Of course this comes first. The most fundamental joy and happiness is that which your family gives you. When that day arrives when you decide to hang up your wings and settle down you embark on a stage of life that gives you the best highs. When your kids are born is immense. The spectacle itself is horrific and there is waaay to much blood, shouting and man hate in the room for my liking. I used to work with a lad we called "Doris", he is a good mate of mine so I will not divulge anything about the peanut butter and bicycle pump incident. Anyway I once told Doris that one day there will be a religion based on Me. The first part of my master plan happened when I got ordained a few years ago (true story). The second phase kicked in when Charlotte and Jack where born, there was more gingers in the world ready to do my bidding.HAHAHAHAH.        Fuck!! I have lost track of the article....was was I?
  The Joy of a child being born is indescribable, something fundamental and Divine happens when your baby opens its eyes and looks at you and when they grow up the love they give is unconditional. The love of a wife/partner is conditional you see, there is only so many times you can wipe you cock on the curtains, give them a dirty Sanchez, fart against their leg in bed or shag someone else before they tell you to FUCK OFF!! and they stop loving you. The love of a child is unconditional though, to them you are a hero, you are super daddy and the center of their life is the family unit, the joy this feeling gives you is probably the emotion that gives you the most happiness in life.
  Getting married or having the love of a life partner is also joyful. I feel joy in being married to Tracey and I know for a fact that Tracey wakes up every morning and thanks the great Ginger in the sky for my existence.

 Schadenfreude
  This is the German word for laughing at others misfortune. There is no equivalent in the English Language that sums it up.
 Everyone laughs at other peoples misfortune, its a fact and anyone who says different is a liar. Even Mother Teresa laughed herself wet when she met the pope and one of the leading cardinals tripped over his robe, fell down some steps and soiled himself.
 I, Myself have a weakness at laughing at other peoples misfortune, its true, most people think of me as a saintlike figure, dispensing kindness and wisdom to stranger and friend alike, but I have a darker side, I like to have a good wheeze and chortle at other people.I am ashamed to say that I take great Joy in watching people make cocks of themselves or suffer some other random badness.I will share a few instances with you. There are probably thousands of stories I can tell but I will use these few because they have come up in conversation in the last few weeks.
    Naked Dean and the Dogshit
              My mate Dean like to get naked in public, a lot, hence the name. Anyway, back in the day we used to hang about on street corners, the town hall, the canal, the park and the fields near our houses. This one day some extraordinarily envisioned individual had either put some dogshit intact on the bottom of the slide or miraculously got their dog to climb on the slide and shit there. We were all stood around admiring the spectacle when I noticed one of the lads Ogo, bend down to pick something up, it was a large stone. I grabbed Galley and ran away from the slide just as Ogo threw the stone. Naked Dean was not fast enough, the stone landed with unerring accuracy in the center of the dogtoffee and it exploded. This was piss funny and when Naked Dean started screaming the amusement reached legendary proportions. A lump of dogshit had landed on Naked Deans face, covering his nostrils and a bit of his mouth. This was Schadenfreude at its best.
  It was not the only time that Naked Dean came a cropper on this slide, 15 years before jackass came to screen we were doing Jackass stuff. We had got hold of a rocket that had lost its stick, we decided the best use of this was to fire at Naked Dean. We stuck him at the top of the slide, the bit where the slide meets the stairs and there is a little frame. Naked Dean stood there with his legs apart and his back to us. To say he was happy with this arrangement would frankly be a lie but here we were. Ogo lit the rocket and we all cheered in anticipation. The rocket flew but it did not fly true. It hit the slides side on its way up and flew into Naked Dean. He fell off the top of the slide onto the concrete below and hurt himself but we did not care, the site of the rocket hitting Naked Deans arse in a shower of sparks was quite possibly one of the funniest things we had ever seen.

A bad taste in the mouth

  In the summer of '93 we managed to go to 14 house parties in 9 weeks. The most infamous of these was probably "Mansels Party" I have been asked by another of one of the lads to write a full article about this night and I will eventually but for now let me share with you the story of how Phil got Unclean.
  Two incidents happened to Phil this night, The first is when Galley picked him up by the gonads. I will tell more about that some other time, for now let me tell you about an incident that was much more horrid. Phil is a great lad and a great friend, but this following incident is still laughed about even now. Phil was a ladies man and he was bereft of any standards when it came to getting laid and so there was no women between the ages of 17 and 57 that he would not shag. Some of his conquests have been simply breathtaking in their age, size or lack of anything what society deems as an acceptable standard of attractiveness. I was in a room enjoying the company of a young lady when this incident happened. Phil was at the top of the stairs just milling around when he saw a young lady come out of one of the bedrooms and walk towards the bathroom. Phil being Phil grabbed her and started to snog her, evilly she obliged. Little did he know that Dunny had just got a blow job off her and had blown his load into her mouth, she was on the way to get rid of the gunk when Phil grabbed her. When he snogged her he also got a gobfull of Dunny's bollock porridge. When we found this out we had no sympathy., we had just ridicule and laughter. This was very very funny shit.


London trip 
 Me and my older brother decided to go down London to watch Liverpool vs Arsenal. We had a good laugh on the way down and we where in high spirits as we boarded the tram to take us to highbury. As we got nearer to highbury the tram got more and more packed until it was what you see on TV when everyone is packed together. It was like this when a scrote got on the tram with his tosser mates, you know the types. Dressing like they think west coast gansta's dress and talking like a eastenders reject, anyhoo the tram was too packed to take them all and this particular scrote decided to get on anyway. There was alot of jostling and complaining and then the doors closed. The thing is, is that this little scrote was not on properly and the doors closed on his head. It was too packed for him even to step back, so the door kept opening and then closing on his head. I freely admit I nearly pissed myself laughing.

 There we are, three examples of  Schadenfreude. The joy of other peoples misfortune.
 I suppose it would not be complete without a example of people laughing at my misfortune.

Magaluf 
 We went to Magaluf a number of times and each one was fuckin great. A lot of stuff happened on them holidays and most of it will stop there. I have no shame in admitting to be the butt of everyones amusement on this occasion though. We had gone out as usual and had got fucking wasted as per usual, but on this night we all got separated. This was not a big deal though, we just carried on drinking in whatever bar we found ourselves in. This particular night I found myself walking back to the hotel alone, I was pissed, it was hot and I thought it may be a good idea to take 40 winks on a sunbed on the beach. I woke up around 7ish a scant couple of hours later with some Spanish dude gesticulating at me and going on with himself. I guess he was not to happy with me taking a free go on his sunbed. twat. It did not take long to realise something was amiss. Some fucker had nicked my trainers when I was asleep. The fucking robbing bastards! It was a bit of a distance to the hotel and the sand and pavements where already heating up in the sun. I had to walk all the way back in my bare feet to the hotel. The lads thought this entertainment of the highest merit. It got worse. My mate Galley persuaded me to walk the 4 miles to the police station in a straw hat. I did not realise that straw hats do not stop the suns rays. When I came down with sunstroke the laughter never stopped. Bastards,



Bodily functions
I have already wrote about farting (  http://gavstjames.blogspot.com/2010/12/farts.html  . ) So I do not need to tell you the joy I have at a good fart. But Joy can be experienced in other ways. There is a saying
  "bad sex is overrated but a good shit is underrated"  You cannot really argue against that but it devalues and debases the wonderous, wonderous feeling really good sex gives you, either one your own, with a partner or in a group. Thats why we do it. simple.
 One life affirming experience is a good dump. Now generally shitting is an altogether unpleasant experience but every now and again a dump comes along that makes you smile. It could be a movement of such proportions that it actually hurts on egress, but the empty void and feeling of accomplishment it leaves you with brightens your day, or it could be the fabled Boxing Day Crap, the holy grail of all motions. This the after you have pigged yourself stupid on rich, stodgy food, undercooked turkey and sprouts all washed out by a frankly ludicrous amount of booze. The movement this generates makes you believe in God again. You wake up in the morning and you feel uncomfortable, it feels like there is a cold, hard brick that is lodged somewhere in you digestive tract, you wrestle of the choices, do I stop in bed and nurse my hangover or do I bite the bullet and go for a dump? you go for a dump. The house is littered with cardboard boxes and other detritus of xmas day, you navigate this holding your stomach which is making some very iffy noises. you reach the toilet and in a panic drop your trollies. You sit there but nothing happens...but it should!! by all rights you should be shitting your life away, it should be falling out like some old shoes put of an atic, but you are bunged up!! its an impossible position, an horrid juxoposition of your body wanting to squit and to be bunged up. It does not bode well. After a pain filled 10 minutes of frutching and begging it happens. HALLELUYAH!!  JOY of JOYS!! It falls out of you in a series of stoccato cannon blasts and all is well with the world .God does exist, he is ginger and by fuck he loves you.  The final movement type is the one that you are dreading in doing, you are expecting some pain and a big mess, but the crap just had you straining enough to get a sense of accomplishment and it comes out that intact that wiping is but a token effort.



Girls in their summer clothes 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTQQ2ktWTx8

Whilst being the title of  one of my favorite songs, it is actually the hazy happy feeling you get in the summer or spring when all the ladies where next to fuck all or something thin and gauzy. There is no feeling like it when you are in town or somewhere and the sun is shining on you, its not too hot and there is a light breeze and you see a vision, an embodiment of young, radiant, glowing vitality which is a young lady in her summer clothes. I am not even sure if it is a overly sexual thing, its just that attractive young ladies dressed in the summer stuff makes any heterosexual man smile.
 In the past me and a few of the lads have gone to the station pub at Stalybridge in the summer at 3 o clock on a friday and sat outside awaiting for the office girls to debark from the trains. The sights you see are simply magnificent. This Is joy. Thinking about it, in this instance its the contented feeling of fine company (my mates), summer weather, booze and lovely, lovely minge, In their fuckin summer clothes.

I cannot be arsed right now to carry in writing about each individual thing that makes me smile, so I will draw up a table of happy shit.

HAPPY SHIT				RATING
Farting on a train and offending someone				****
Watching Liverpool beat the manc scum				******
Watching kid take first steps				*********
Losing your virginity				*********
seeing your first boobs (that was not related)				*********
Getting the job you want				****
Seeing your children born				**********
Seeing someone fall over				******
Boxing Day Crap				****
having a drink with your mates				******
Seeing that thing off x factor WITH HER FUCKIN FACE ON FIRE				****
Girls in their summer clothes				******
Sex				*********
Really good sex				**********
Building and having a big fucking fire				****
Seeing someone gamble and lose (fart and shit themselves)				******
your first wank				****
Getting the holy trinity for the first time with a filthy lady				******