Pissed off

IRKED

In this blog I have already wrote about things that make me happy I.e a flash of a young ladies breast, family, people having bad shit happen to them, Cheryl Cole with her face on fire and beautiful women acknowledging my existence, I thought it would only be natural to write about things that FUCK ME OFF.

Somethings in life irk me, as a rule I do not like being irked, in fact being irked is right up there with snapping my banjo and googling “BLUEWAFFLE” as things that I do not like. (google it with the adult filter off, I dare you) Just like the A to Z of perversity and Joy, this will be added to every so often when they occur to me. To start with lets start with a good one, something that gets on my tits every time I see it.

DOGSHIT

In this day and age there is no good reason why dogshit should be on the street. It is disgusting pure and simple. Can anyone like to inform me why people let there dogs shit on the street, don't bother, I already know. It is because they are subhuman scum and deserved to be euphanased and then ironically used as dog food. If you have not got the fucking mental faculty to clean up after your mutt you do not frankly deserve to draw another breath. How fucking dare you let you mutt pollute the fields, streets and playgrounds where our children play and let them run the risk of catching Toxicariasis. Is it because you have no moral compass and think of solely yourself, is it because your uncle peter bathed you and told you that you would sink if he took his thumb out, or is it that you are too fucking lazy to pick it up, put it in a plastic bag and dispose of it properly. God! I hate dogshit. Bollocks to Peter Kay talking about white furry dogshit, its all bad.

Saying that, I just reminded myself of a story concerning dogshit. It happened whilst I was at school, there was a lad, lets call him, “Mick” he was a right fucking swot and actually brought a briefcase to school with him (I shit you not). This briefcase over the coarse of the third year became rather tattered and torn. In physics we where just learning about how things emitted set amounts of discrete energy when they burned. I cannot remember how it came about but our class idiot brought some dogshit into class, ( I think it was on his shoe but I cannot properly remember) Some enterprising and bored individual decided to wrap some of this dogtoffee in foil and heat it up with a bunsen burner. The smell was outrageous, nothing, and I fucking mean nothing, has ever twatted my nostrils with such venom. As you know I appreciate a good fart but this smell was not fuckin cricket. Dog shit is appalling at the best of times, but heat it up and Oh My God. In a frenzied state of panic someone hit this foil with a ruler and it flew off and believe it or not got lodged in a hole in the briefcase. Well, the classroom was emptied and the briefcase was took outside and took care of. A letter home to all the people involved was the result of that. 

  

CHAVS

More subhuman scum, but these have comedy value. There is actually a website that list's Hyde. www.chavtowns.co.uk. Everyone has seen them, on a street corner, hanging around the local off licence or huddled together outside the benefits office. There is something fundamentally comical about someone who wears clothes so absurd they would make a blindman blush, who talk in a jive so ludicrous they make my farts seem like a Shakespearean monologue. They take themselves sooo fucking serious as well, they are worse than Goths and Emo's. At least there are some attractive Goths and emo's. Chavs look like unwashed shitclots that have crawled up from the nearest sewer. I have wrote a simple questionnaire to ascertain if in fact you are a chav.

CHAVTEST

1 Where in the following are you most likely to shop?

A Tesco

B Clone Zone

C Asda

D Shop? I fuckin nick it!

2 What make of clothes are you more likely to wear?

A Benson and Clegg bespoke suit

B Doe hide leather gimp suit, black 28 gauge latex buttplug, nippleclamps and a inverted spike cockring.

C Black jeans, Whitesnake T-shirt, cowboy boots and a bullet belt

D Fake addidas shell-suit and Burberry cap

3 Your first thought when told you have £10k to spend

A Give it to my gardener as a early xmas tip.

B Fuck off to Thailand to fuck yourself mental with sexually ambiguous ladyboys

C Have a delirium induced breakdown, Go on a three week bender spending it all on whores, coke and booze.

D You become giddy and sexually excited about blinging your wheels out with some “phat hubs”

4 What is your preferred foot attire?

A Some nice Italian calf leather loafers

B high heels on a sat night for the show

C The skin of your dead mother

D White Reebok Classic

5 Who is your dream girl?

A Elizabeth hurley

B Gary “ratboy” Neville

C Lorraine Kelly

D Jordan or Cheryl Cole.

6 Who would you class as your ideal role model

A Gordon Grecko

B Michael Barrymore

C John Wayne

D Dappy

7 Do you wash?

A Of course! You silly man.

B Yup, nescafe enema every morning

C yes, three times a day, whether I need it or not

D Eh?

8 What does the word curious mean to you?

A I am curious whether the drop in the euro interest rate will affect my holdings in sweden

B I hope my new workmate is

C I am curious if I can actually wank myself daft

D What the fuck does that mean? Innit.

9 What is your dream career?

A Trader on the stockmarket

B Hairdresser/catholic priest

C James Bond

D Jeremy Kyle contestant

10 What is your favourite meal?

A Seared scallops from bay of Biscay, pickled veal liver in a merlot and truffle sauce.

B Some nice canapés with a babycham

C Tikka chicken sashlick on a garlic nan, hot sauce, no salad and 6 cans of wife beater.

D Pot Noodle

If your scored mostly A's you are a toff and need to be brought down a peg or two, its wankers like you in our banking system that is costing me more tax whist getting less for my council tax. Its cretins like you who is taking police off the street so drug dealers, chavs and dog walkers can pollute and rule our streets. Fuck you! I hope you experience the heartache and misery abject poverty brings to families. Have you lost your home because of someone losing their jobs? Fuck no! You laugh at us poor people. I despise you and every crooked capitalist bone in your body.

B's. You, my friend are most probably a bit “fruity”. You are what is known in some circles as “Good with colours”or “knows whats in his flowerbeds”. If not, you are definitely a bit “sexually adventurous”. Just hope you are more John Barrowman than Graham Norton. I cannot stand Graham Norton, he has took being camp and milked the same joke for the last 15 years. John Igman and Julian Clary have done it to much better affect than him. The cunt.

C's You are mister/misses normal, you have infrequent bouts of madness but overall you are quite normal.

D's You are a chav. You are the bottom of the evolutionary ladder, in fact you have devolved into something less than human. You have took the stigma of being a educationally challenged, sponge on society and embarrassment to your family into a point of pride. For you getting an ASBO is more sexually exciting than sniffing your finger having first touched a ladies naughty bits. Even Goths and Emo's have more social standing than the parasite that you aspire to be.

  

So all in all, if you are a chav, you are a scabrous vaginal discharge, you are basically the dregs of humanity. You admittedly have some comedy value but to be honest you could do with being rounded up with all your other stupid and ghastly chav buddies, herded in a field and then napalmed.

B

So, I decided to don my Sherlock Holmes hat and do a touch of research. So here below, at great personal expense is the second part of the A to Z of perversity.

BACKWARDS COWGIRL:

A sexual position favored by those unfortunate males who have trapped off with a lady “who has a lovely personality”. Also favored by those “experimental” types who are having sex with a ladyboy but do not want the guilt and confusion created by watching the ladyboy's cock and balls bouncing hypnotically up and down. It is basically the women on top facing the males feet. Can be beneficial if the ladies arse is more attractive than her face. i.e Cheryl Cole.

BAREBACK:

  The act of having unprotected sex. Most often than not in the Anus. Very good chance of having some half digested food lodged in your Cock nostril as demonstrated in the A section of this A to Z. Not the safest thing to do, especially if the lady (or man) is less than fastidious about who they sleep with. A good lubricant is also recommended. I will talk at length later in the series about lubricants. Some "steeply-inclined horticulturists" like to keep lubricant in a jar or in a tub. A popular jape is to put pepper or another itchy substance in with the lube

BASOEXIA

Also known as “Schoolboys Radge” This when you get very sexually aroused by just kissing. Not to make excuses but that does explain some “accidents” at xmas visiting my relatives...ah well.

BDSM

Oh boy. This stands for "Bondage and Discipline, Sadism and Masochism" It is a very broad field with many sub sections and area's. Remember that mp who got found dead, naked, with an apple in his gob and a bin liner over his head, on helmstead heath? He was into BDSM. It can even evolve out of a sexual kick into a lifestyle. To be honest this entire genre needs an piece for itself. So to keep it short I will list a few subsections.
 Bondage: leather, rope, bandages, underwear, cat guts, chains, all these and more are used to tie/restrict the "bottom" or "submissive"
 Whipping: Hitting the "bottom" with varying strength using, whips, canes, etc. normally when the submissive is bound in some way.
 CBT (Cock and Ball Torture) : The less we say about this the better I think.
 Wax play : Can be quite a soothing and sensual form of BDSM. Normally wax melts at around 130 degrees, by adding various oils, salts and minerals you can decrease this to make a more sensual and erotic experience or increase it to make it more pain oriented.

  Golden showers (urinating): It begs the simple question, why?
    I have a mate, for legal reasons I will call him "Joe". Joe was seeing this older women from ashton and they decided to be a bit experimental and try some "wet play". What she had not counted on though was Joe downing nine pints of strongbow prior to this golden coupling. Joe got home and decked the bathroom with towels. She proceeded to get naked and kneel down in front of him, giggling in aroused anticipation from the naughty light sprinkling of what she thought was going to be a light rain. She was wrong, oh so very wrong.. A full afternoon of strongbow erupted from his penis into her face. She screamed in shock and got a mouthful, Joe could not stop though, even when she was sobbing he carried on pissing on her. They split up not long after this.
Strap on play:  Either between two women "who wear comfortable shoes" Or even more disturbingly a women on a man. This is when the "top" wears a phallic device that resembles an erect penis and then either buggers the man or has intercourse with the other women. (For those who remember Stefan Postma from Aston Villa, He was "allegedly caught on video being bummed by his girlfriend with a strap on. Google it)
 Sexual roleplay: Can be a fun and easy introduction into the world of BDSM. I think most people have experimented with some form of roleplay in their lives.
Medical play: We all played doctors and nurses at school, well this is the grown up version. The japanese are into this in a big way. They even have a paraphilia for amputees (Acrotomophilia). Who I defy any heterosexual man not to get the raging horn when he visits hospital and see's some of theme dickteases in uniform.
 Erotic electrostimulation: This frankly baffles me. This is the simulation of the penis, scrotum, anus or vagina by electric shocks. I may actually give this a go to see what all the fuss is about, give me 5 mins..................                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      .............................................. That fucking hurt.

Thats enough for now on BDSM, I may return to it on a future date.    oh and a bit of advice, do not attach your cock to anything electrical.


BEE STINGS
The sadomasochistic use of bees to sting the penis, which stings are said to extend the duration and intensity of penile orgasms, enhance sensations and increase penile circumference. The bee stings, it is claimed, are almost painless. Two bees are placed in a jar which is shaken to render the bees dizzy; these are then grabbed by the wings and placed each side of the shaft just below the glans penis and squeezed to provoke stinging. CAUTION: Poisonous venom can have serious effects on about 5% of males. Any of the following symptoms of anaphylactic shock following a bee sting requires immediate medical care:
- a) Difficulty in breathing'
- b) Chest pain.
- c) Dizziness.
- d) Nausea or vomiting.
- e) Edema or general swelling.
- f) Blue coloration of lips.
- g) Weak pulse.
  Getting any sort of creature to attack your cock is not fucking clever at all, but getting bees to sting your length to increase its size is on the far side of mental. No ifs or buts, anyone who does this needs to have a long in-depth talk to those nice men in white coats.

BESTIALITY
 I think it was either Morrisey or Billy Bragg who sang about his love of his animals (not Michael Jackson)
   Bestiality,    you can bring your chimp to tea
   Bestiality     your laws do not apply to me.

I have already wrote in depth about the love of sheep by some cultures and people. But sheep are not the only sexual targets of men throughout the ages. Goats, horses, chickens!, cows, camels and dolphins have all been historically linked with zooaphilia. There are even weirdos who marry there animal "freinds"
 The video below is wrong and disturbing.  Proper trailer park trash. It is a youtube video so there is no explicit content.

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JD7UCNYnp3o

Isolation from human contact is attributed to a lot of bestiality throughout the ages. The sexualization of animals stems from this isolation. Todays society is also a hotbed of isolation and ostracisation. People who society deem as subnormal are further pushed into loneliness and so they get the horn over fuckin animals or they bestow animals with female sexual features.

                                                           This is wrong on so many levels.


I am off to watch football now, so until I add more to the "B's" tomorrow, here is a picture of my brother and my mate together in Belgium.

     









   

Hacked Warcraft account

Back in the days when I played World Of Warcraft, someone hacked my account. here is the post I created at the time for the guilds website.

HACKED ACCOUNT RANT

I am a nice man. I am, honest. I like looking at wildlife, like the feel of the breeze in my ginger (chest) hair, I give money to various charities, I have even refrained from wiping my cock on the curtains. I try and be civil to everyone, even when they are diseased scum. I try and not imagine what people will look like with their heads on a stick, I even say "excuse me" when I fart on the bus. All those things are nice, they are civilised because I am a fucking nice person. but some things make me slightly miffed.

I have been hacked, of all the fuckin low-down bastard tricks to do to someone that is the worst. I wish I could find the person(s) who did it, oooohhhh what fun I would have. I would start on the feet.

FEET:

I would place them in a sitting position, bound and immobile with the soles of their feet showing. Then I would get a heavy bamboo stick around 40 inches long and spend around 20 minutes on each foot, with each blow progressively heavier than the last. After the first 5 minutes there will be some broken bones in each appendage so I would give each foot a heavy massage, making sure that all the shattered bone ends grind against each other. After this initial 20 minutes They will have realised I have took umbrage. I will then move on to the legs.

LEGS:

I think breaking the legs will be too easy, too crass. So this is what I will do. I would make a fire, nice and hot. On this fire I will burn his children’s undergarments. This hopefully will get him worried. Also on the fire would be to fist size rocks. Once these rocks are nice and hot I will place them behind the knee and then bend the legs so there (shattered) heels touch their buttocks. I will hold them in this pose until the tendons shrink and there legs are permanently crooked, never to straighten again. Next up is the arms. Oh what fun!

ARMS

A is for Arms, it is also for amputation. By now with their feet shattered and their legs forever bent, I hopefully have their undivided attention. I think amputation is more fun when you try and take a light-hearted approach. So using a child’s knife I will saw through the skin, fat and tendons until I get to the bone. To stop them bleeding to death I will use a tourniquet with their spouse's clothes. The bone will be a slightly tougher prospect, so using a vice and a lump hammer I will detach the left arm above and the right arm below the elbow.

Torso

Here is where it gets creative. Everyone has a favourite pet, or teddy bear (mine is called "moist") so here goes. I will humanly put the aforementioned pet to sleep, then I will slice open the abdomen. Now here is the clever bit, The human skin is remarkably stretchy and elastic, the skin over the abdomen especially. I will place the dead pet (in a plastic bag, you have to be careful of germs) into the stomach cavity and sow the skin shut. If they have lost consciousness at this point, wake them up this neat alcohol to the eyes or film the procedure. You could use their loved ones for this procedure, but like I said, I am a nice man.

Buttocks and Genitals.

Tie them against a wall and kick them in the balls until they pass out, wake them up using the method described above and then do it again. Do this until your legs get tired or their scrotum pops. Ideally you want their scrotum intact for the next bit. Remember Grace Jones? Remember that picture of her with a dead long neck? Thats the affect you will be looking for here. Get a elastic band and attach it to the top of the scrotum, keep twisting the elastic band tighter until it is at breaking point, if it is of decent thickness (10mm x 2mm) you should be able to distend the scrotum by around 3 inches. By now the scrotum will look like two ping-pong balls in a shrinking purple sac. You now have a choice:

1 repeatedly hit the purple orbs with a rolling pin until they burst, or

2 rub enthusiastically with sandpaper.

I hope you have not thrown away the amputated arms, you need one of them. Shove it up his arse. You will need to achieve at least 7 inches of penetration for it to become really uncomfortable.

HEAD

They need to be roughly shaved, with a blunt razor. Then using a thick needle. Sew their lips together and then (using a smaller needle) sew their eyes open. Sewing is so much fun wooppeee! Off come their ears! But wait! You have some thread left, so what the fuck, sew their ears to their forehead and chin.

Bastards, that will teach them.

I have not been on for a few days and what happens? Some low birthed, poxed, bastard of a diseased whore goes and helps themselves to my account. I hope to fuck they are forced to watch the remake of highlander over and over again until their brains dribble out of their nostrils. All of that above is a bit too angry, I am calm now, I will settle for the highlander remake torture, you see I am a nice man.

Joy

       
I thought I would write a little about Joy. Well Joy, happiness and what I find funny I suppose would be a better description.
  What prompted me was something that happened the other day. I was coming home from work and we stopped at the traffic lights outside The Cheshire Cheese in Hyde. On my side of the road was a young lady pushing a pram. I was idly watching her when she bent over to get something from the pram, At that moment The Great Ginger in the sky smiled at me and I got a glimpse down her top, now I didn't see much really, no luscious curve of taunt pert breast, no inviting Areola or rock hard quivering nipple, no, I just saw a dark cleft and a flash of white skin which I knew was tit. It was enough, It was not even that much sexual thrill, it was something more mundane, it was the basic joy of a clandestine glimpse at something that is normally hidden, but it made me happy and improved my mood for the rest of the day. This set me thinking about shit that makes you happy. I have started a list, it is in no way exhaustive or complete, it is just what I am thinking at the moment.

 Family
    Of course this comes first. The most fundamental joy and happiness is that which your family gives you. When that day arrives when you decide to hang up your wings and settle down you embark on a stage of life that gives you the best highs. When your kids are born is immense. The spectacle itself is horrific and there is waaay to much blood, shouting and man hate in the room for my liking. I used to work with a lad we called "Doris", he is a good mate of mine so I will not divulge anything about the peanut butter and bicycle pump incident. Anyway I once told Doris that one day there will be a religion based on Me. The first part of my master plan happened when I got ordained a few years ago (true story). The second phase kicked in when Charlotte and Jack where born, there was more gingers in the world ready to do my bidding.HAHAHAHAH.        Fuck!! I have lost track of the article....was was I?
  The Joy of a child being born is indescribable, something fundamental and Divine happens when your baby opens its eyes and looks at you and when they grow up the love they give is unconditional. The love of a wife/partner is conditional you see, there is only so many times you can wipe you cock on the curtains, give them a dirty Sanchez, fart against their leg in bed or shag someone else before they tell you to FUCK OFF!! and they stop loving you. The love of a child is unconditional though, to them you are a hero, you are super daddy and the center of their life is the family unit, the joy this feeling gives you is probably the emotion that gives you the most happiness in life.
  Getting married or having the love of a life partner is also joyful. I feel joy in being married to Tracey and I know for a fact that Tracey wakes up every morning and thanks the great Ginger in the sky for my existence.

 Schadenfreude
  This is the German word for laughing at others misfortune. There is no equivalent in the English Language that sums it up.
 Everyone laughs at other peoples misfortune, its a fact and anyone who says different is a liar. Even Mother Teresa laughed herself wet when she met the pope and one of the leading cardinals tripped over his robe, fell down some steps and soiled himself.
 I, Myself have a weakness at laughing at other peoples misfortune, its true, most people think of me as a saintlike figure, dispensing kindness and wisdom to stranger and friend alike, but I have a darker side, I like to have a good wheeze and chortle at other people.I am ashamed to say that I take great Joy in watching people make cocks of themselves or suffer some other random badness.I will share a few instances with you. There are probably thousands of stories I can tell but I will use these few because they have come up in conversation in the last few weeks.
    Naked Dean and the Dogshit
              My mate Dean like to get naked in public, a lot, hence the name. Anyway, back in the day we used to hang about on street corners, the town hall, the canal, the park and the fields near our houses. This one day some extraordinarily envisioned individual had either put some dogshit intact on the bottom of the slide or miraculously got their dog to climb on the slide and shit there. We were all stood around admiring the spectacle when I noticed one of the lads Ogo, bend down to pick something up, it was a large stone. I grabbed Galley and ran away from the slide just as Ogo threw the stone. Naked Dean was not fast enough, the stone landed with unerring accuracy in the center of the dogtoffee and it exploded. This was piss funny and when Naked Dean started screaming the amusement reached legendary proportions. A lump of dogshit had landed on Naked Deans face, covering his nostrils and a bit of his mouth. This was Schadenfreude at its best.
  It was not the only time that Naked Dean came a cropper on this slide, 15 years before jackass came to screen we were doing Jackass stuff. We had got hold of a rocket that had lost its stick, we decided the best use of this was to fire at Naked Dean. We stuck him at the top of the slide, the bit where the slide meets the stairs and there is a little frame. Naked Dean stood there with his legs apart and his back to us. To say he was happy with this arrangement would frankly be a lie but here we were. Ogo lit the rocket and we all cheered in anticipation. The rocket flew but it did not fly true. It hit the slides side on its way up and flew into Naked Dean. He fell off the top of the slide onto the concrete below and hurt himself but we did not care, the site of the rocket hitting Naked Deans arse in a shower of sparks was quite possibly one of the funniest things we had ever seen.

A bad taste in the mouth

  In the summer of '93 we managed to go to 14 house parties in 9 weeks. The most infamous of these was probably "Mansels Party" I have been asked by another of one of the lads to write a full article about this night and I will eventually but for now let me share with you the story of how Phil got Unclean.
  Two incidents happened to Phil this night, The first is when Galley picked him up by the gonads. I will tell more about that some other time, for now let me tell you about an incident that was much more horrid. Phil is a great lad and a great friend, but this following incident is still laughed about even now. Phil was a ladies man and he was bereft of any standards when it came to getting laid and so there was no women between the ages of 17 and 57 that he would not shag. Some of his conquests have been simply breathtaking in their age, size or lack of anything what society deems as an acceptable standard of attractiveness. I was in a room enjoying the company of a young lady when this incident happened. Phil was at the top of the stairs just milling around when he saw a young lady come out of one of the bedrooms and walk towards the bathroom. Phil being Phil grabbed her and started to snog her, evilly she obliged. Little did he know that Dunny had just got a blow job off her and had blown his load into her mouth, she was on the way to get rid of the gunk when Phil grabbed her. When he snogged her he also got a gobfull of Dunny's bollock porridge. When we found this out we had no sympathy., we had just ridicule and laughter. This was very very funny shit.


London trip 
 Me and my older brother decided to go down London to watch Liverpool vs Arsenal. We had a good laugh on the way down and we where in high spirits as we boarded the tram to take us to highbury. As we got nearer to highbury the tram got more and more packed until it was what you see on TV when everyone is packed together. It was like this when a scrote got on the tram with his tosser mates, you know the types. Dressing like they think west coast gansta's dress and talking like a eastenders reject, anyhoo the tram was too packed to take them all and this particular scrote decided to get on anyway. There was alot of jostling and complaining and then the doors closed. The thing is, is that this little scrote was not on properly and the doors closed on his head. It was too packed for him even to step back, so the door kept opening and then closing on his head. I freely admit I nearly pissed myself laughing.

 There we are, three examples of  Schadenfreude. The joy of other peoples misfortune.
 I suppose it would not be complete without a example of people laughing at my misfortune.

Magaluf 
 We went to Magaluf a number of times and each one was fuckin great. A lot of stuff happened on them holidays and most of it will stop there. I have no shame in admitting to be the butt of everyones amusement on this occasion though. We had gone out as usual and had got fucking wasted as per usual, but on this night we all got separated. This was not a big deal though, we just carried on drinking in whatever bar we found ourselves in. This particular night I found myself walking back to the hotel alone, I was pissed, it was hot and I thought it may be a good idea to take 40 winks on a sunbed on the beach. I woke up around 7ish a scant couple of hours later with some Spanish dude gesticulating at me and going on with himself. I guess he was not to happy with me taking a free go on his sunbed. twat. It did not take long to realise something was amiss. Some fucker had nicked my trainers when I was asleep. The fucking robbing bastards! It was a bit of a distance to the hotel and the sand and pavements where already heating up in the sun. I had to walk all the way back in my bare feet to the hotel. The lads thought this entertainment of the highest merit. It got worse. My mate Galley persuaded me to walk the 4 miles to the police station in a straw hat. I did not realise that straw hats do not stop the suns rays. When I came down with sunstroke the laughter never stopped. Bastards,



Bodily functions
I have already wrote about farting (  http://gavstjames.blogspot.com/2010/12/farts.html  . ) So I do not need to tell you the joy I have at a good fart. But Joy can be experienced in other ways. There is a saying
  "bad sex is overrated but a good shit is underrated"  You cannot really argue against that but it devalues and debases the wonderous, wonderous feeling really good sex gives you, either one your own, with a partner or in a group. Thats why we do it. simple.
 One life affirming experience is a good dump. Now generally shitting is an altogether unpleasant experience but every now and again a dump comes along that makes you smile. It could be a movement of such proportions that it actually hurts on egress, but the empty void and feeling of accomplishment it leaves you with brightens your day, or it could be the fabled Boxing Day Crap, the holy grail of all motions. This the after you have pigged yourself stupid on rich, stodgy food, undercooked turkey and sprouts all washed out by a frankly ludicrous amount of booze. The movement this generates makes you believe in God again. You wake up in the morning and you feel uncomfortable, it feels like there is a cold, hard brick that is lodged somewhere in you digestive tract, you wrestle of the choices, do I stop in bed and nurse my hangover or do I bite the bullet and go for a dump? you go for a dump. The house is littered with cardboard boxes and other detritus of xmas day, you navigate this holding your stomach which is making some very iffy noises. you reach the toilet and in a panic drop your trollies. You sit there but nothing happens...but it should!! by all rights you should be shitting your life away, it should be falling out like some old shoes put of an atic, but you are bunged up!! its an impossible position, an horrid juxoposition of your body wanting to squit and to be bunged up. It does not bode well. After a pain filled 10 minutes of frutching and begging it happens. HALLELUYAH!!  JOY of JOYS!! It falls out of you in a series of stoccato cannon blasts and all is well with the world .God does exist, he is ginger and by fuck he loves you.  The final movement type is the one that you are dreading in doing, you are expecting some pain and a big mess, but the crap just had you straining enough to get a sense of accomplishment and it comes out that intact that wiping is but a token effort.



Girls in their summer clothes 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTQQ2ktWTx8

Whilst being the title of  one of my favorite songs, it is actually the hazy happy feeling you get in the summer or spring when all the ladies where next to fuck all or something thin and gauzy. There is no feeling like it when you are in town or somewhere and the sun is shining on you, its not too hot and there is a light breeze and you see a vision, an embodiment of young, radiant, glowing vitality which is a young lady in her summer clothes. I am not even sure if it is a overly sexual thing, its just that attractive young ladies dressed in the summer stuff makes any heterosexual man smile.
 In the past me and a few of the lads have gone to the station pub at Stalybridge in the summer at 3 o clock on a friday and sat outside awaiting for the office girls to debark from the trains. The sights you see are simply magnificent. This Is joy. Thinking about it, in this instance its the contented feeling of fine company (my mates), summer weather, booze and lovely, lovely minge, In their fuckin summer clothes.

I cannot be arsed right now to carry in writing about each individual thing that makes me smile, so I will draw up a table of happy shit.

HAPPY SHIT				RATING
Farting on a train and offending someone				****
Watching Liverpool beat the manc scum				******
Watching kid take first steps				*********
Losing your virginity				*********
seeing your first boobs (that was not related)				*********
Getting the job you want				****
Seeing your children born				**********
Seeing someone fall over				******
Boxing Day Crap				****
having a drink with your mates				******
Seeing that thing off x factor WITH HER FUCKIN FACE ON FIRE				****
Girls in their summer clothes				******
Sex				*********
Really good sex				**********
Building and having a big fucking fire				****
Seeing someone gamble and lose (fart and shit themselves)				******
your first wank				****
Getting the holy trinity for the first time with a filthy lady				******