Why God is Ginger

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A diversity of perversity

Alphabet of Perversity

Sex is brill. Its even better than watching people fall over. And that is fucking funny. Over the coming weeks and months I will be writing an A to Z of perversity. The original idea for this came from a discussion between myself and an old and dear friend called Louise. I do not endorse some of the practises but in the name of education I will share with you the various acts and perversities that I have heard about. I have garnered these from a lot of sources and I will only lay claim to the words and descriptions as my own creations.

Abasiophilia

This peculiar paraphilia centres around the sexual attraction to those unfortunates with impaired mobility. Whilst it may not be everyone’s cup of tea. Such mobility impaired luminaries such as Stephen Hawkins and that bird from Corry frequently give abasiophiliacs the horn. There is also a brothel in Amsterdam that specialises for this strange kinkiness.

This is not to be confused with the “The Magaluf Mong ”

ADW

All Day Wank.

The glorious mainstay of all students and those who are actively seeking employment. This actually takes a certain amount of planning, stamina and fortitude, as well as a healthy imagination. My advice if you are inclined to partake in this act is to take plenty of vitamins for the fortnight leading up to the event. Supplements containing zinc and iron are particularly useful. Then 48 hours before the wankathon start drinking lots of water.

It stands to reason to have a large supply of lubricants handy. If you attempt any prolonged bout of fumbling without adequate lubrication there is a very good chance that you will wank yourself raw. Any lubricant will do, from olive oil, baby oil, margarine or even a non-allergenic shaving foam will suffice. I will speak more on lubricants later in the A to Z. The event must be managed properly as well. It is no good going for it hell for leather, your cock will be dry heaving and spitting feathers before you reach the mid-morning wall. You need to pace yourself, alternating between a “normal” fumble, a lazy wank and a bishops rage. You will need to decrease the amount of bishops rages you have as the day progresses and increase the frequency of the lazy wanks. These are important mentally as well as physically. If you embark on a ADW and are concentrating all the time feverishly on filth there is a very good chance that you can wank yourself daft.

EXAMPLE: “Are you coming to the village fete on Saturday Mr Smith”

“ Sorry vicar, I am planning to gallop the antelope all day”

“ Ahhh, the ADW, brings back happy memories. I spent a happy day watching Nigella Lawson whilst having a ADW in my gap year. I almost pulled the fucking head off it”

Anal

The celebrated but much maligned back door love. According to the bible you will roast in hell for putting you penis inside another persons anus but I really think someone needs to tell a few priests that to be honest. Anyhoo. What man does not dream of having this with his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever at least once in their relationship? It is a badge of honour to get your “brown-wings” and it is a sure sign that a women really loves you. There is risks associated with Bum Love such as shit on your knob, increased risk of infections, shit on your knob, can be painful ,unwanted and unpredictable leakage and shit on your knob.

I worked with a lad once, lets call him “Joe”. Joe had trapped off with a rotund lady (her glands had ate all the fucking pies) and was proceeding to beat her back door in. After much grunting, groaning and jiggery pokery he shot his load and withdrew from the fat lass's arse, Much to his horror he discovered a half digested tomato skin on the end of his bell.

This demonstrates perfectly the inherent risks associated with bumming. It is also a fact that a lot of “bottoms” (people who like to be bummed) loose all muscle tone in their sphincter and develop a condition called “barrymore Arse”. This can cause sudden and uncontrolled evacuation of the bowels, having to wear an adult nappy and death. This can be detected in its early stages by the loose and halfhearted sound of their flatulance.

Anal Beads

Anal beads taste funny...nah only kidding. These come in a variety of shapes and sizes and can be used by both sexes as either a sex aid between two partners or as a masturbatory aid, They are usually made from plastic or rubber and look like a string of beads stuck together. They are inserted into the anus before or during sex to aid in arousal and orgasm. Like all sex toys it would be advisable to keep them in top hygeinic condition and to hide them away from prying eyes.

   

Angry Dragon

A sadistic and violent act that whilst possibly be illegal, is very fucking funny. It starts with the lady (or man) performing fellatio on another man. Once ejaculation is achieved inside the recipients mouth the man who has cum hits the person with a mouthful/throatful of man magic hard on the back of the head causing the Gentleman’s relish to shoot out of the victims nose.

EXAMPLE: And so it came to pass that the gallant sir Percival set forth on his epic quest. Long weeks and months passed and all the while our brave night battled against man and beast. His faith was tested but his sword-arm was strong. Lo! A mighty beast was sighted. She was ugly in her countenance and foul in her stench, but Sir Pircival was unfazed, with a righteous zealotry he thrust his engorged member into her gaping cakehole. Two score and six he thrust ever harder until the act was consummated. With a titanic bellow he unloaded his bollock porridge and then with a cleave he struck her mightily at the back of her greasy head. Victorious he watched and held on as his Frothy love Juice shot from her nostrils. This was how the legend of the Angry Dragon was born. Tell it across the land and around the campfires. Tell how our valiant Sir Percival defeated the angry dragon.

Ashton surprise

This is the classy act perpetrated by ladies of a certain class and sophistication. It happens when a man and women are going at it in the missionary position. Half way through the act the lady passes wind with such gusto and vigour the mans testicles are blown backwards and upwards, swinging into his own anus.

Ass to mouth

Another act performed by people with no standards, dignity or taste-buds. It is the act of performing Bum Love on a partner and then placing the penis into the partners mouth, without washing it first. Nice. This is suprisingly popular around the quaint village of glossop. Let us take a moment to take a look why. In the mid stages of the Roman invasion the British Governor wanted a route between Manchester and Sheffield for rapid military egress to the still contested northern borders. After 18 months of intense labour over the moors the snake pass was built. The old roman road (that still exists in places) was moved to the east to follow more closely the natural contours of the heath. A way-station was build just before the pass and this attracted some nefarious characters and vagabonds of dubious character. One of the more prominent buildings was the brothel “Bouncy Betty's House of Anal Delights” The house special was ass to mouth. The old pick word for ass to mouth is glossop. This apparently is an onomatopoeia of the noise made when withdrawing from the anus and inserting into the mouth. Ever since Roman times the practise of ass to mouth has been kept as a town tradition, even amongst family members.

auto erotic asphyxiation

Possibly the most dangerous of sexual practises. Erotic asphyxiation is the intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain for sexual arousal. It is also charmingly called asphyxiophilia, autoerotic asphyxia, hypoxyphilia, or breath control play. Don't the terms just roll of the tongue? A person engaging in asphyxiophilia is sometimes called a gasper.

The desired result can be achieved through a variety of methods. Strangulation or self hanging is the most popular. This can be disasterous for the gasper, just look at the Geldof upsetting Hutchence or Mr grasshopper himself David Caradine. Other ways of achieving the desired levels of oxygen deprivation involve, bagging, gassing, chest compression and solvants. Liquid gold (poppers) is a popular solvant for those who are asphyxia curious.

auto fellatio

If you could would you? That, my friends is the eternal question. If it was possible for you to blow yourself off would you? Off course you fucking would, liar. There you are at home, alone, you have the raging horn and you are remembering the best blow job you have ever had. You feel weak, you desperately want to feel some warm inviting lips around your manhood and it comes to you in a flash. Dare you try? You bend towards it and its just a few scant inches too far away. You have an idea, you rest on your back and raise yourself up onto your shoulders. Your feet hang over your head and then it happens. You achieve solitary fellatio. You dirty dirty bastard.

Yup, you guessed it, its the art and act of giving yourself a right old nosh. Something s are just not cricket and this is one of them, still it will guarantee that you will look after the old genital hygiene, who the fuck wants to taste their own gorganzola?

Black hearted, Diseased lizards

Highlander rant

Let me get this off my chest,

Normally I would let the fact that they are remaking nearly every film of consequence, go straight over my head. Such petty trivialities are beneath my notice, they are akin to dogshit, momentarily disgusting and annoying, but all too soon they turn to dust and are blown away, never to trouble us again.

But like a club foot, every so often something comes along that I cannot ignore, I cannot be "the bigger man" and let it slide. I have a maxim I try to live by, It goes

"If you cannot fuck it, if you cannot eat it, if it does not help you get to heaven, then it does not fucking matter"

The opposite is also true about things that are annoying but ultimatly inconsequential. But what I found out today is the fuckin limit, it is so wrong it actually makes my shit itch. I am so bastard angry I could actually be nasty to lovely lorraine kelly, and that is a fuckin statement. In fact she is so lovely I would suck her farts out and i would put £10 on that they taste of peppermint.

THEY ARE GOING TO REMAKE HIGHLANDER.

How dare they! How fuckin dare they! I want to find every single bastard of them and dismember them limb by limb, knuckle by knuckle, vertabrae by cunting vertabrae. I want to tie them all down naked to a fire-ant nest, cover them in honey and show them pictures of their loved ones being sodomised by angry catholic priests.

Highlander is the best film ever, bar none. I appreciate other people have other opinions on the matter, but to be honest, they are talking and thinking bollocks and need to be re-educated. Until these people see the truth I will not enter a conversation on the matter.

But HOW FUCKIN DARE THEY!! I have not been this mortified, this angry since I found out that Miriam was a bloke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ACJL41x3QE

http://chickenmafia.com/pictures/miriam_rivera.jpg

The whole idea of them remaking the film is fundementally wrong, its like kicking god in the balls, asking the pope to babysit, fancying Cilla Black. The world is (apparently) going to end on the 21st December 2012. I hope to fucks sake that this is before they release the remake. If this film is released it will destroy what little faith I have in the human species, we may as well all devolve back to apes, climb some trees, masterbate and then throw shit at each other, it will show that humanity has reached its apex, it pinicle, and it is all downhill from here.

Some things they should not touch or alter or remake, some of these are classic films. Great art works and masterpieces that will stand the test of time: "The Mona Lisa", Van gogh's "starry night" and David by Michelangelo Buonarroti. they will not think to remake or fuckin reimagine (what in the name of fuck does that even mean???) so why do they fuckin remake great films? Clash of the titans, Superman, Get Carter, The Wickerman, Planet of the apes, Shaft. The list is endless. A endless list of meaningless, inane, incompetant and damnable fuckwittery. Why o Why do they even bother? They should be forced to endure the same mental anguish that we suffer when watching these celleloid abortions. Its akin to haveing a favorite pet killed and then another one with the same name put in its place, but this new one humps your legs, shits in the fruitbowl and bites little kids. Just becausee its called Fido, just like your sadly deceased dog, DOES NOT MEAN IT IS FUCKIN FIDO!!.

The sheer affront of these so called moviemakers makes me want to commit terrible crimes. Highlander, of all things unholy, why are you fucking going to remake highlander? I beg you, I beseech you, please o please, do not touch Highlander!

I am sat here with tears running down my face, my kids are crying becasue Daddy is scaring them, there is an global environmental meltdown happening, Birds are falling dead from the skies and my piles are playing up. The world is going to shit and they are going to fuckin remake highlander. Don't they understand? Don't they fuckin get it? There can be only one!!

Lorraine Kelly

Lorraine Kelly

I know I said I would post on Fridays but sod-it, Lorraine Kelly gives me the raging horn. I don't quite know why she is so sexy though, so I have taken some time to get my thoughts in order and to try and bring some order to my lusty chaotic mind. It may be my age, it may be because she is female but one thing is certain. I would sandpaper my left gonad just for the chance to sniff her toilet seat.

It could be her voice, I have a “thing” for women with sexy accents. I remember as a young boy getting the horn over an advert with a curvy cartoon rabbit with a sexy voice, I think the rabbit was sat under a tree and had a welsh accent. If I remember rightly the product being sold was some cadbury's chocolate. (incidentally, the cartoon rabbit in question is not the sexiest cartoon Rabbit, that honour goes to Jessica rabbit). I threw a few mixes out as well listening to Ruth Maddoc say “Hi Du Hi”. Who else is there? Hmm, let me see. Liz Hurley, fuck me, she is hot and I bet she is dirty, positively vulgar in fact. So we have established that our darling Lorraine has a sexy voice which is more than can be said about Cheryl Cole, but more about her later.

     

(EDIT) it has come to my attention that in fact Jessica Rabbit is not an actual rabbit. She is human but she married Roger Rabbit, hence adopting his surname. Still I would make her wear a playboy outfit. As a side note the outline and shape of Jessica Rabbit is that of Kim Basinger. They filmed Kim acting the scenes then traced Kims outline onto the cartoon board to make Jessica.

  Back to Lorraine: It could be her eyes, she has a mischievous twinkle that I like to imagine says “I love ass to mouth”. You know she likes it and likes it a lot. She looks at you with that twinkle and you just know she is imagining you in a Nazi uniform bending her over a rough wooden desk and showing her “vat ve do to spies”. Seriously though, you know she enjoys life, She has laughing eyes. A night out with her would be a laugh, she would laugh at your jokes and then tell better ones back, she would then proceed to drink you under the table, take you back to the hotel and then have wild monkey sex with you. Fizz from Coronation street has the same look in her eyes, by the way, Fizz is also sexier then Cheryl Cole.

Bodywise she has the regular “sexy mum” body. Not quite the hourglass perfection of Angelina Jolie but by god! You know it would be cuddly, fun and satisfying, Her cleavage is magnificent and to be honest Carl Pilkington should have visited them for his wonders of the world program. That sweet, sweet mammarian valley is a joy to behold, the pale, inviting pendulous orbs that are her breasts are a sign that God truly does exist, nothing that perfect could be created by chance alone. Lorraine is what a real women should look like. Some men lust over stick insect models or celebrities but deep down every man desires someone with a body like Lorraine. She is worth an infinite number of Cheryl Coles.

She has a dirty laugh. Period. You know solely from that laugh that she would be of the “adventurous, curious and experimental” type in the bedroom. Nothing would be too taboo or dirty. I imagine her liking to act out favourite scenes from her huge collection of “niche” and “speciality” films. I have mentioned before that you know she enjoys life. No one with a laugh that inviting and lusty (and I don't mean that in a dirty way) is going to be a miserable cow like a certain x factor judge.

Lorraine Kelly is a very very sexy women. She has many fine alluring qualities but she is greater than her individual parts. For all her fine qualities she is actually sexier than she has right to be. She has a certain something that is “sexy” A certain something that alights desire in men. She has that ethereal quality then only a few women in the world have. To me she is up there with Angelina Jolie, Helen Hunt, Deanna Troi, Marilyn Monroe, Rachel welch and Liz Hurley. Like I said, she is much greater than her individual parts, unlike Cheryl Cole who is less than her whole.

Cheryl Cole. I do not quite know what to make of Cheryl. What I am about to write is my opinion. I appreciate that everyone's opinion is different and some people will find it odd that my opinions are thus: On paper Cheryl should be the object of every mans desire but for some reason I find her as sexy as a cupful of haemorrhoids. She has nice legs, lovely arse, beautiful eyes and an easy smile, but I feel there is something missing, I do not find her ugly as such. Just “wrong”, Its like a cartoon that has a one frame message of “FUCK CATS” on it. You do not notice it because it came and went so fast, but you know something is fundamentally wrong. All that shit about going on the Piers Morgan show got on my tits as well. Her popularity had took a dive after some misdemeaner on the X factor and so she decided to go on the show and emo about how hard dome by she is, how hard her life is, boo hoo, boo hoo.....just fuck off. You are a multimillionaire, your face is recognised around the world and millions of (misguided) people think you are the second coming. Go and tell someone who has cancer how hard your life is, go and tell some starving kid in Africa how hard your life is. You make me sick. This is why Lorraine Kelly is more attractive than you. She is a real women. If she was married to a world class footballer he would not cheat on her. He would chew off his own foreskin just to make you smile.

   Put it this way. The person below is more sexy than Cheryl Cole would ever be.

              

This article is just my humble opinion. It does not necessarily reflect the truth.

POT NOODLE REVIEW

WIN

Look at the picture, look at it closely. Observe its taut curved body, observe how it beckons seductively This is not just a pot noodle. This is a no7 spare rib pot noodle

The picture above is full of win. I will say that again slowly. THE PICTURE ABOVE IS FULL OF WIN. The only problem is that the receptacle is empty. I have ate it. The only way it would be more full of win was if it was full, but, again, I have ate it. It was bastard lovely. And then some. The Pot noodle shown is quite possibly a gift from the Great Divine. This is the first review of the blog and I am going to write about Spare Rib Pot Noodle.

Pot noodles are great and can be enjoyed in a variety of ways. From pouring them over a big plate of chips, to having them on toast with melted cheese to the standard way with 4-5 slices of bread. The pot noodle brand comes in a variety of flavours. |The horror curry flavour that tastes like a wet Burberry dog jacket jacket, Beef and tomato that is alright, just alright. The mighty Chicken and Mushroom that was the king of flavours and the delightful limited edition Xmas dinner flavour,

I thought nothing could beat the sublime splendour that chicken and Mushroom supplied. Every step in the process was a joy, from putting the kettle on, waiting breathlessly whilst it boiled. Every second the waters churned below the magical 100c was a mockery of your hunger. The long pregnant seconds as the water nudged ever closer to boiling, shall you pour it before it is boiled or shall you wait? AAAHHH the suspense!! then “DING” the water has boiled. The careful frenzy as you poured the waters in and added the golden sachet of soy sauce. Every drop a precious elixir of delight, your intense concentration as you squeezed the sachet between your thumb and forefinger to get Every. Last. Fucking. Drop. out. Stirring the magical potion and waiting for the noodles to soften in the stock. The process added to the joy of eating this wondrous, wondrous food. This has been eclipsed.

At Xmas I tried the Xmas dinner flavoured pot noodle. This was quite tasty and provided a quite splendid snack. Then today I tried the no7 Spare Rib flavour. Oh My Giddy Aunt. Over the years I have developed into a bit of a foody. I have ate stuffed river trout on the banks of Windermere, Rare veal at the savoy in London, Lobster Thermadour in a quite exceptional little Italian in Torquay and fresh lobsters on a trapping boat off the Cornish coast. All these above will stand the test of time and I will be thinking of them fondly as I wet the bed and bother the nurses with inappropriate erections in my nursing home but the pot noodle I had today was simply stunning. Every mouthful was a delight and joy and I deplore, nay, beg each and every one of you to go out, put your hands in your pockets and trying one of these magical snack. This is up there with some of the wonderful meals I have ate over the years and I will remember it to the day I go to the great ginger in the sky.

You will not be disappointed. Honest.

Sheepshagging

SHEEPSHAGGING

The name sheep comes from the middle English word “SCAEP” which literally means “non-bitching wife”. Students of language have surmised that the term Sheep-husbandry also has sexual connotations and origins. Sheep where imported into early Britain around 800BC and have since found there way to every creek and crannies of our fair, green land. Oh, and Wales.

The first recorded instance on mainland Britain of sheep-shagging was recorded in the Roman village of Mamucium in the latter part of the first century. (this small farming village and fort later went on to become Manchester). This nefarious deed was perpetrated by a gentleman with the dubious name of “Almost Trevor”. He was caught by a passing Roman tax collector and tried at the local court. He was found guilty and his punishment was to have his gonads, thumbs and tongue removed, His property was also forfeit and as a result he became a beggar. Almost Trevor soon found a patch on the main road out of the city and he led a surprisingly long life. He became such a feature on this road that the district was named after him. The district of Trevor over the years became known as Trafford. In 1909 when they needed to name the new football stadium in that area they named it first “Almost Trafford” this was in recognition of an act that is dear to all who support Manchester united. Over the first 5 years Almost changed to Alt and then to Old., and so Almost Trafford became Old Trafford.

That was the first recorded instance of sheep-shagging in Britain but the act has been traced back throughout the ages. |Before the bronze age and the introduction of coinage, women and sheep where used as barter. Sheep where deemed to be worth four women and the murder of a sheep for non food or clothing purposes was deemed to be a hanging offence. It was once thought that sheep where worth more due to their versatility I.e. clothing, sex, food, but in fact it was due to the fact that a sheep does not answer back, nor does it grow all bitter and saggy. A good sheep in those days could last for eight years before the need for replacing and it will be as supple, tight and accommodating as the day it was bought. Sheep do not say no.

The reasons that sheep developed into a ovine sex toy is their varied, convenience of height, lack of language, willingness, portability, can smell less, and they can be always be made into a kebab if they get too lippy. Cultural acceptance of ovineaphilia has waned as the domestication of sheep moved north and east from the middle east into Europe and Scandinavia. Most population centers now view the act of sheep-shagging as a perversion but as you drive into more rural area's the act loses it taboo. Towns and area's such as Glossop, Snowdonia, Norfolk all retain their belief that sheep-shagging is an acceptable social pastime, something to have a little joke with the lads about in the pub on a friday night, Coincidentally, the rate on incest is also high in these area's. On the other hand, as the migration of ovine domestication moved into the southern hemisphere, there was no move away from the sex act as a perversion. In the wide open area's of Australia and new Zealand, the sexual use of sheep is viewed as a norm. It is even classed as a sport and there is a well financed sex trade that has sprung up in the last 15 years. 

There is a sex book available called the “Bamaa Sutra” in this tome it describes the various positions that are available. These start with the ubiquitous “Crouching Tiger” where the man enters the ovine in from behind I.e Doggy style. The next favoured position is the “Wrestling Clouds” this is a more forceful position where the male attempts coitus in a more traditional missionary position. This can cause the sheep distress and is not recommended against the larger sheep or by individuals who may be on the weak side. A muzzle may also be a good idea.

In the book there is some tips how to liven up your sex life. These include:

• The wearing of Velcro gloves. This aids traction.
• A bull-clip on your belt. You can attach this to the sheeps tail stub
• Push it to the edge of a cliff. They push back more
• Wear wellington boots. You can insert their hind legs into your boots.

There is also a trade in inflattable sheep for those that cannot even achieve the lofty heights of bestiality. Though these inflattable sheep are sometimes used as a humorous prop in football matches and on stagg parties. Their initial and primary use is for these unfortunate Ovinephilliacs whom that even sheep find repulsive.

According to a leading Australian poll agency. The top 10 reasons sheep are preferred over women are:

1. Just the right height.
2. Feel cuddly
3. smell and look better
4. They do not put up much of a fight
5. Sheep have very stretchy anuses which remain tight on a variety of different penis sizes.
6. The wool can be used to hold on and also makes for a more fluffy interaction.
7. Can cook it if you become displeased.
8. Do not want to talk bollocks or have a cuddle after you have screwed its arse off.
9. Reminds you of their mother
10. No back-chat.

This is a far cry from the social revulsion that is viewed in other parts of the world. Leading Anthropologist Niles Smyth-Gunniston says that is down to the fact that the typical male who lives in a sparsely populated area's such as the American mid west, Australia, Norfolk. Etc... Have a high tendency to humanise whatever animal or object they interact with the most I.e Sheep. This has been true since population pressures where much less. As urban centers have expanded the need and opportunity for humanisation and sexualisation of animals decreased.

Below is an excerpt from a interview from an Australian ranch hand called Bruce Billibong.

Already the interviewer has ascertained that Bruce has sex with one of his sheep.

INTERVIEWER: Can you tell me about your sex life with Flossy?

BRUCE: Yeah mate, Me and flossy are at it like rabbits, no problem there. Haha.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think this is acceptable to have sex with a defenceless animal?

BRUCE: Flossy is not defenceless! Strewth! She can head butt better than my Ma, and she can knock a horse out. And no I don't think its wrong. Its only you prissy Poms that stick your nose up at a bit of flufflove.

INTERVIEWER: What draws you towards Flossy/sheep and makes you want to choose sheep over other animals, such as a goat or a wallaby?

BRUCE: You pulling my plonk mate!! Goats smell like a bag-ladies gusset! And have you ever tried to fuck a wallaby? They are all over the fuckin place and put up a right fight. Little fuckers. Nah, Sheep and especially little Flossy, love you back, She is my little tangle of wet desire. She loves me back and I go everywhere with her.

INTERVIEWER: Say a Beautiful women wanted to marry you but you had to give up your love of sheep and more specifically flossy. What would you do?

BRUCE: I would marry the Sheila and have some little uns, but I would still be seeing Flossy on the sly.

This sentiments in this excerpts are not exclusive to Bruce. These feelings are indicative to the millions of sheep herders and ranch hands across the world. The act of sheep love is not a race thing or a religious thing. It seems that the close proximity to sheep and their distance from everyday social interaction with women make these individuals physically, emotionally and sexually find sheep attractive/

As a side note, sheep aren't the only animal that have been sexualised over the years. It is a long standing practise for certain farmers to carry out an act called “Calf-Suckling”. Because a cows udder is similar in girth to an erect penis and a calf has an hefty suck on it, it was not long before early cow herders twigged onto this and started bovine-fellatio. Goats also are not immune to mans sexual predations, but goats can be aggressive and prone to take umbrage if not approached correctly.

all the above is fictitious (except the photographs) and similarity with any name is entirely unintentional and bare no relation to anyone alive or dead. 

This Guide and history will be continued over the coming weeks.

Roy Hodgson

ROY HODGSON

There is a maxim. It goes “Plan for mediocrity and you will achieve it”. This sums up Roy Hodgson perfectly. The only manager in Liverpool’s great history who seems to revel in the mundane, the lacklustre and the insipid. There is a handful of iconic clubs in the world that demand a certain type of manager, a certain approach to running a great club. Real Madrid, Barcelona, Milan, Corinthians, Manchester united and Liverpool. All these and maybe a few more demand excellence and character in their incumbent manager or coach. A man who demands respect, this respect could have been earned within the club or earned externally. Houllier, Benitez, Shankley all earned respect from terms and endeavours at other clubs. Dalglish, Evans and Paisley al earned their stripes within Anfield. These managers all had the players and fans respect, some became idolised like football gods, some fell by the wayside but all had something about them that made them fit in at Anfield. Hodgson does not..

 Mr Hodgson insults the fans, plays players in the wrong positions, fails to inspire on the pitch or on the camera. Not even in Souness's dark reign has a manager been so distrusted to guide the team by the Liverpool fans. Souness's idea of a Liverpool player was someone that would punt the ball upfield, break someones legs and was at least 3 stone overweight, Molby, Stewart, Dicks and Ruddock all were of the hefty persuasion. Souness systematically tore our club apart. He sold influential players before their time and he regressed our football into something from the third division. But even a clown like souness was not as clueless and tepid as Hodgson is. The man is bereft of passion and an understanding of what an institution like Liverpool demands. The man splutters and stumbles through interviews and spews nonsense and absurdities, he appears like a befuddled old man, Staring vacantly into space and mumbling to himself. He is bewildered by the fans reaction to our predicament. He does not comprehend that the route one football that he so loves is not appropriate at anfield or in the premiership in this day and age. The bare faced cheek of the man to blame the fans for the clusterfuck against wolves is beyond the pale. The man needs to go. For the sake of our great club, please pay this confused and bewildered poor man off, pay him off so he can put on his tartan slippers, sit in front of his fire eating some nice hobnobs and dream about the glories he never really had.

His signings have been a failure (apart from Meireles). Its embarrassing to see a player in a red shirt such as Poulsen and that waste of flesh that he brought from Fulham to play at left back is a joke. Over the years we have had some donkeys. Heskey, Voronin, Cheyrou, Diouf, the list is a sad litany of ineptitude and dogshit ability but Konchesky and Poulsen are woeful, a joke to see in a red shirt. On the evidence I have seen I would even argue that they are professional footballers, We have talented youth players that he refuses to play, buying the two aforementioned donkeys instead of giving the youth players chance. We have two young players like Pacheco and Shelvey that are magnitudes better than some of our players he steadfastly plays. He even decided to use Pacheco and train his as a winger in our reserves. The man has lost the plot. People say we have a weak squad but eight out of the fourteen on the pitch against wolves played in the 4-1 mauling of Real Madrid a scant few years ago.

I will suport Liverpool to the day I die and I will always get behind the team. I thought that I would always support a new manager but in this my faith has been found to be lacking. I cannot support a man who spits on the hopes and dreams of the fans, who thinks a draw is a good result, who thought the 3-0 loss against Everton was the best football we have played. Who blamed the loss against Northampton on a couple of youth players (way to install confidence!), Who arrogantly believes he deserves the job and who blames the fans for our humbling against Wolves.

Please Roy, go. Go now.