Sheepshagging

SHEEPSHAGGING

The name sheep comes from the middle English word “SCAEP” which literally means “non-bitching wife”. Students of language have surmised that the term Sheep-husbandry also has sexual connotations and origins. Sheep where imported into early Britain around 800BC and have since found there way to every creek and crannies of our fair, green land. Oh, and Wales.

The first recorded instance on mainland Britain of sheep-shagging was recorded in the Roman village of Mamucium in the latter part of the first century. (this small farming village and fort later went on to become Manchester). This nefarious deed was perpetrated by a gentleman with the dubious name of “Almost Trevor”. He was caught by a passing Roman tax collector and tried at the local court. He was found guilty and his punishment was to have his gonads, thumbs and tongue removed, His property was also forfeit and as a result he became a beggar. Almost Trevor soon found a patch on the main road out of the city and he led a surprisingly long life. He became such a feature on this road that the district was named after him. The district of Trevor over the years became known as Trafford. In 1909 when they needed to name the new football stadium in that area they named it first “Almost Trafford” this was in recognition of an act that is dear to all who support Manchester united. Over the first 5 years Almost changed to Alt and then to Old., and so Almost Trafford became Old Trafford.

That was the first recorded instance of sheep-shagging in Britain but the act has been traced back throughout the ages. |Before the bronze age and the introduction of coinage, women and sheep where used as barter. Sheep where deemed to be worth four women and the murder of a sheep for non food or clothing purposes was deemed to be a hanging offence. It was once thought that sheep where worth more due to their versatility I.e. clothing, sex, food, but in fact it was due to the fact that a sheep does not answer back, nor does it grow all bitter and saggy. A good sheep in those days could last for eight years before the need for replacing and it will be as supple, tight and accommodating as the day it was bought. Sheep do not say no.

The reasons that sheep developed into a ovine sex toy is their varied, convenience of height, lack of language, willingness, portability, can smell less, and they can be always be made into a kebab if they get too lippy. Cultural acceptance of ovineaphilia has waned as the domestication of sheep moved north and east from the middle east into Europe and Scandinavia. Most population centers now view the act of sheep-shagging as a perversion but as you drive into more rural area's the act loses it taboo. Towns and area's such as Glossop, Snowdonia, Norfolk all retain their belief that sheep-shagging is an acceptable social pastime, something to have a little joke with the lads about in the pub on a friday night, Coincidentally, the rate on incest is also high in these area's. On the other hand, as the migration of ovine domestication moved into the southern hemisphere, there was no move away from the sex act as a perversion. In the wide open area's of Australia and new Zealand, the sexual use of sheep is viewed as a norm. It is even classed as a sport and there is a well financed sex trade that has sprung up in the last 15 years. 

There is a sex book available called the “Bamaa Sutra” in this tome it describes the various positions that are available. These start with the ubiquitous “Crouching Tiger” where the man enters the ovine in from behind I.e Doggy style. The next favoured position is the “Wrestling Clouds” this is a more forceful position where the male attempts coitus in a more traditional missionary position. This can cause the sheep distress and is not recommended against the larger sheep or by individuals who may be on the weak side. A muzzle may also be a good idea.

In the book there is some tips how to liven up your sex life. These include:

• The wearing of Velcro gloves. This aids traction.
• A bull-clip on your belt. You can attach this to the sheeps tail stub
• Push it to the edge of a cliff. They push back more
• Wear wellington boots. You can insert their hind legs into your boots.

There is also a trade in inflattable sheep for those that cannot even achieve the lofty heights of bestiality. Though these inflattable sheep are sometimes used as a humorous prop in football matches and on stagg parties. Their initial and primary use is for these unfortunate Ovinephilliacs whom that even sheep find repulsive.

According to a leading Australian poll agency. The top 10 reasons sheep are preferred over women are:

1. Just the right height.
2. Feel cuddly
3. smell and look better
4. They do not put up much of a fight
5. Sheep have very stretchy anuses which remain tight on a variety of different penis sizes.
6. The wool can be used to hold on and also makes for a more fluffy interaction.
7. Can cook it if you become displeased.
8. Do not want to talk bollocks or have a cuddle after you have screwed its arse off.
9. Reminds you of their mother
10. No back-chat.

This is a far cry from the social revulsion that is viewed in other parts of the world. Leading Anthropologist Niles Smyth-Gunniston says that is down to the fact that the typical male who lives in a sparsely populated area's such as the American mid west, Australia, Norfolk. Etc... Have a high tendency to humanise whatever animal or object they interact with the most I.e Sheep. This has been true since population pressures where much less. As urban centers have expanded the need and opportunity for humanisation and sexualisation of animals decreased.

Below is an excerpt from a interview from an Australian ranch hand called Bruce Billibong.

Already the interviewer has ascertained that Bruce has sex with one of his sheep.

INTERVIEWER: Can you tell me about your sex life with Flossy?

BRUCE: Yeah mate, Me and flossy are at it like rabbits, no problem there. Haha.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think this is acceptable to have sex with a defenceless animal?

BRUCE: Flossy is not defenceless! Strewth! She can head butt better than my Ma, and she can knock a horse out. And no I don't think its wrong. Its only you prissy Poms that stick your nose up at a bit of flufflove.

INTERVIEWER: What draws you towards Flossy/sheep and makes you want to choose sheep over other animals, such as a goat or a wallaby?

BRUCE: You pulling my plonk mate!! Goats smell like a bag-ladies gusset! And have you ever tried to fuck a wallaby? They are all over the fuckin place and put up a right fight. Little fuckers. Nah, Sheep and especially little Flossy, love you back, She is my little tangle of wet desire. She loves me back and I go everywhere with her.

INTERVIEWER: Say a Beautiful women wanted to marry you but you had to give up your love of sheep and more specifically flossy. What would you do?

BRUCE: I would marry the Sheila and have some little uns, but I would still be seeing Flossy on the sly.

This sentiments in this excerpts are not exclusive to Bruce. These feelings are indicative to the millions of sheep herders and ranch hands across the world. The act of sheep love is not a race thing or a religious thing. It seems that the close proximity to sheep and their distance from everyday social interaction with women make these individuals physically, emotionally and sexually find sheep attractive/

As a side note, sheep aren't the only animal that have been sexualised over the years. It is a long standing practise for certain farmers to carry out an act called “Calf-Suckling”. Because a cows udder is similar in girth to an erect penis and a calf has an hefty suck on it, it was not long before early cow herders twigged onto this and started bovine-fellatio. Goats also are not immune to mans sexual predations, but goats can be aggressive and prone to take umbrage if not approached correctly.

all the above is fictitious (except the photographs) and similarity with any name is entirely unintentional and bare no relation to anyone alive or dead. 

This Guide and history will be continued over the coming weeks.