Lorraine Kelly

Lorraine Kelly

I know I said I would post on Fridays but sod-it, Lorraine Kelly gives me the raging horn. I don't quite know why she is so sexy though, so I have taken some time to get my thoughts in order and to try and bring some order to my lusty chaotic mind. It may be my age, it may be because she is female but one thing is certain. I would sandpaper my left gonad just for the chance to sniff her toilet seat.

It could be her voice, I have a “thing” for women with sexy accents. I remember as a young boy getting the horn over an advert with a curvy cartoon rabbit with a sexy voice, I think the rabbit was sat under a tree and had a welsh accent. If I remember rightly the product being sold was some cadbury's chocolate. (incidentally, the cartoon rabbit in question is not the sexiest cartoon Rabbit, that honour goes to Jessica rabbit). I threw a few mixes out as well listening to Ruth Maddoc say “Hi Du Hi”. Who else is there? Hmm, let me see. Liz Hurley, fuck me, she is hot and I bet she is dirty, positively vulgar in fact. So we have established that our darling Lorraine has a sexy voice which is more than can be said about Cheryl Cole, but more about her later.

     

(EDIT) it has come to my attention that in fact Jessica Rabbit is not an actual rabbit. She is human but she married Roger Rabbit, hence adopting his surname. Still I would make her wear a playboy outfit. As a side note the outline and shape of Jessica Rabbit is that of Kim Basinger. They filmed Kim acting the scenes then traced Kims outline onto the cartoon board to make Jessica.

  Back to Lorraine: It could be her eyes, she has a mischievous twinkle that I like to imagine says “I love ass to mouth”. You know she likes it and likes it a lot. She looks at you with that twinkle and you just know she is imagining you in a Nazi uniform bending her over a rough wooden desk and showing her “vat ve do to spies”. Seriously though, you know she enjoys life, She has laughing eyes. A night out with her would be a laugh, she would laugh at your jokes and then tell better ones back, she would then proceed to drink you under the table, take you back to the hotel and then have wild monkey sex with you. Fizz from Coronation street has the same look in her eyes, by the way, Fizz is also sexier then Cheryl Cole.

Bodywise she has the regular “sexy mum” body. Not quite the hourglass perfection of Angelina Jolie but by god! You know it would be cuddly, fun and satisfying, Her cleavage is magnificent and to be honest Carl Pilkington should have visited them for his wonders of the world program. That sweet, sweet mammarian valley is a joy to behold, the pale, inviting pendulous orbs that are her breasts are a sign that God truly does exist, nothing that perfect could be created by chance alone. Lorraine is what a real women should look like. Some men lust over stick insect models or celebrities but deep down every man desires someone with a body like Lorraine. She is worth an infinite number of Cheryl Coles.

She has a dirty laugh. Period. You know solely from that laugh that she would be of the “adventurous, curious and experimental” type in the bedroom. Nothing would be too taboo or dirty. I imagine her liking to act out favourite scenes from her huge collection of “niche” and “speciality” films. I have mentioned before that you know she enjoys life. No one with a laugh that inviting and lusty (and I don't mean that in a dirty way) is going to be a miserable cow like a certain x factor judge.

Lorraine Kelly is a very very sexy women. She has many fine alluring qualities but she is greater than her individual parts. For all her fine qualities she is actually sexier than she has right to be. She has a certain something that is “sexy” A certain something that alights desire in men. She has that ethereal quality then only a few women in the world have. To me she is up there with Angelina Jolie, Helen Hunt, Deanna Troi, Marilyn Monroe, Rachel welch and Liz Hurley. Like I said, she is much greater than her individual parts, unlike Cheryl Cole who is less than her whole.

Cheryl Cole. I do not quite know what to make of Cheryl. What I am about to write is my opinion. I appreciate that everyone's opinion is different and some people will find it odd that my opinions are thus: On paper Cheryl should be the object of every mans desire but for some reason I find her as sexy as a cupful of haemorrhoids. She has nice legs, lovely arse, beautiful eyes and an easy smile, but I feel there is something missing, I do not find her ugly as such. Just “wrong”, Its like a cartoon that has a one frame message of “FUCK CATS” on it. You do not notice it because it came and went so fast, but you know something is fundamentally wrong. All that shit about going on the Piers Morgan show got on my tits as well. Her popularity had took a dive after some misdemeaner on the X factor and so she decided to go on the show and emo about how hard dome by she is, how hard her life is, boo hoo, boo hoo.....just fuck off. You are a multimillionaire, your face is recognised around the world and millions of (misguided) people think you are the second coming. Go and tell someone who has cancer how hard your life is, go and tell some starving kid in Africa how hard your life is. You make me sick. This is why Lorraine Kelly is more attractive than you. She is a real women. If she was married to a world class footballer he would not cheat on her. He would chew off his own foreskin just to make you smile.

   Put it this way. The person below is more sexy than Cheryl Cole would ever be.

              

This article is just my humble opinion. It does not necessarily reflect the truth.