A diversity of perversity

Alphabet of Perversity

Sex is brill. Its even better than watching people fall over. And that is fucking funny. Over the coming weeks and months I will be writing an A to Z of perversity. The original idea for this came from a discussion between myself and an old and dear friend called Louise. I do not endorse some of the practises but in the name of education I will share with you the various acts and perversities that I have heard about. I have garnered these from a lot of sources and I will only lay claim to the words and descriptions as my own creations.

Abasiophilia

This peculiar paraphilia centres around the sexual attraction to those unfortunates with impaired mobility. Whilst it may not be everyone’s cup of tea. Such mobility impaired luminaries such as Stephen Hawkins and that bird from Corry frequently give abasiophiliacs the horn. There is also a brothel in Amsterdam that specialises for this strange kinkiness.

This is not to be confused with the “The Magaluf Mong ”

ADW

All Day Wank.

The glorious mainstay of all students and those who are actively seeking employment. This actually takes a certain amount of planning, stamina and fortitude, as well as a healthy imagination. My advice if you are inclined to partake in this act is to take plenty of vitamins for the fortnight leading up to the event. Supplements containing zinc and iron are particularly useful. Then 48 hours before the wankathon start drinking lots of water.

It stands to reason to have a large supply of lubricants handy. If you attempt any prolonged bout of fumbling without adequate lubrication there is a very good chance that you will wank yourself raw. Any lubricant will do, from olive oil, baby oil, margarine or even a non-allergenic shaving foam will suffice. I will speak more on lubricants later in the A to Z. The event must be managed properly as well. It is no good going for it hell for leather, your cock will be dry heaving and spitting feathers before you reach the mid-morning wall. You need to pace yourself, alternating between a “normal” fumble, a lazy wank and a bishops rage. You will need to decrease the amount of bishops rages you have as the day progresses and increase the frequency of the lazy wanks. These are important mentally as well as physically. If you embark on a ADW and are concentrating all the time feverishly on filth there is a very good chance that you can wank yourself daft.

EXAMPLE: “Are you coming to the village fete on Saturday Mr Smith”

“ Sorry vicar, I am planning to gallop the antelope all day”

“ Ahhh, the ADW, brings back happy memories. I spent a happy day watching Nigella Lawson whilst having a ADW in my gap year. I almost pulled the fucking head off it”

Anal

The celebrated but much maligned back door love. According to the bible you will roast in hell for putting you penis inside another persons anus but I really think someone needs to tell a few priests that to be honest. Anyhoo. What man does not dream of having this with his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever at least once in their relationship? It is a badge of honour to get your “brown-wings” and it is a sure sign that a women really loves you. There is risks associated with Bum Love such as shit on your knob, increased risk of infections, shit on your knob, can be painful ,unwanted and unpredictable leakage and shit on your knob.

I worked with a lad once, lets call him “Joe”. Joe had trapped off with a rotund lady (her glands had ate all the fucking pies) and was proceeding to beat her back door in. After much grunting, groaning and jiggery pokery he shot his load and withdrew from the fat lass's arse, Much to his horror he discovered a half digested tomato skin on the end of his bell.

This demonstrates perfectly the inherent risks associated with bumming. It is also a fact that a lot of “bottoms” (people who like to be bummed) loose all muscle tone in their sphincter and develop a condition called “barrymore Arse”. This can cause sudden and uncontrolled evacuation of the bowels, having to wear an adult nappy and death. This can be detected in its early stages by the loose and halfhearted sound of their flatulance.

Anal Beads

Anal beads taste funny...nah only kidding. These come in a variety of shapes and sizes and can be used by both sexes as either a sex aid between two partners or as a masturbatory aid, They are usually made from plastic or rubber and look like a string of beads stuck together. They are inserted into the anus before or during sex to aid in arousal and orgasm. Like all sex toys it would be advisable to keep them in top hygeinic condition and to hide them away from prying eyes.

   

Angry Dragon

A sadistic and violent act that whilst possibly be illegal, is very fucking funny. It starts with the lady (or man) performing fellatio on another man. Once ejaculation is achieved inside the recipients mouth the man who has cum hits the person with a mouthful/throatful of man magic hard on the back of the head causing the Gentleman’s relish to shoot out of the victims nose.

EXAMPLE: And so it came to pass that the gallant sir Percival set forth on his epic quest. Long weeks and months passed and all the while our brave night battled against man and beast. His faith was tested but his sword-arm was strong. Lo! A mighty beast was sighted. She was ugly in her countenance and foul in her stench, but Sir Pircival was unfazed, with a righteous zealotry he thrust his engorged member into her gaping cakehole. Two score and six he thrust ever harder until the act was consummated. With a titanic bellow he unloaded his bollock porridge and then with a cleave he struck her mightily at the back of her greasy head. Victorious he watched and held on as his Frothy love Juice shot from her nostrils. This was how the legend of the Angry Dragon was born. Tell it across the land and around the campfires. Tell how our valiant Sir Percival defeated the angry dragon.

Ashton surprise

This is the classy act perpetrated by ladies of a certain class and sophistication. It happens when a man and women are going at it in the missionary position. Half way through the act the lady passes wind with such gusto and vigour the mans testicles are blown backwards and upwards, swinging into his own anus.

Ass to mouth

Another act performed by people with no standards, dignity or taste-buds. It is the act of performing Bum Love on a partner and then placing the penis into the partners mouth, without washing it first. Nice. This is suprisingly popular around the quaint village of glossop. Let us take a moment to take a look why. In the mid stages of the Roman invasion the British Governor wanted a route between Manchester and Sheffield for rapid military egress to the still contested northern borders. After 18 months of intense labour over the moors the snake pass was built. The old roman road (that still exists in places) was moved to the east to follow more closely the natural contours of the heath. A way-station was build just before the pass and this attracted some nefarious characters and vagabonds of dubious character. One of the more prominent buildings was the brothel “Bouncy Betty's House of Anal Delights” The house special was ass to mouth. The old pick word for ass to mouth is glossop. This apparently is an onomatopoeia of the noise made when withdrawing from the anus and inserting into the mouth. Ever since Roman times the practise of ass to mouth has been kept as a town tradition, even amongst family members.

auto erotic asphyxiation

Possibly the most dangerous of sexual practises. Erotic asphyxiation is the intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain for sexual arousal. It is also charmingly called asphyxiophilia, autoerotic asphyxia, hypoxyphilia, or breath control play. Don't the terms just roll of the tongue? A person engaging in asphyxiophilia is sometimes called a gasper.

The desired result can be achieved through a variety of methods. Strangulation or self hanging is the most popular. This can be disasterous for the gasper, just look at the Geldof upsetting Hutchence or Mr grasshopper himself David Caradine. Other ways of achieving the desired levels of oxygen deprivation involve, bagging, gassing, chest compression and solvants. Liquid gold (poppers) is a popular solvant for those who are asphyxia curious.

auto fellatio

If you could would you? That, my friends is the eternal question. If it was possible for you to blow yourself off would you? Off course you fucking would, liar. There you are at home, alone, you have the raging horn and you are remembering the best blow job you have ever had. You feel weak, you desperately want to feel some warm inviting lips around your manhood and it comes to you in a flash. Dare you try? You bend towards it and its just a few scant inches too far away. You have an idea, you rest on your back and raise yourself up onto your shoulders. Your feet hang over your head and then it happens. You achieve solitary fellatio. You dirty dirty bastard.

Yup, you guessed it, its the art and act of giving yourself a right old nosh. Something s are just not cricket and this is one of them, still it will guarantee that you will look after the old genital hygiene, who the fuck wants to taste their own gorganzola?