Joy

       
I thought I would write a little about Joy. Well Joy, happiness and what I find funny I suppose would be a better description.
  What prompted me was something that happened the other day. I was coming home from work and we stopped at the traffic lights outside The Cheshire Cheese in Hyde. On my side of the road was a young lady pushing a pram. I was idly watching her when she bent over to get something from the pram, At that moment The Great Ginger in the sky smiled at me and I got a glimpse down her top, now I didn't see much really, no luscious curve of taunt pert breast, no inviting Areola or rock hard quivering nipple, no, I just saw a dark cleft and a flash of white skin which I knew was tit. It was enough, It was not even that much sexual thrill, it was something more mundane, it was the basic joy of a clandestine glimpse at something that is normally hidden, but it made me happy and improved my mood for the rest of the day. This set me thinking about shit that makes you happy. I have started a list, it is in no way exhaustive or complete, it is just what I am thinking at the moment.

 Family
    Of course this comes first. The most fundamental joy and happiness is that which your family gives you. When that day arrives when you decide to hang up your wings and settle down you embark on a stage of life that gives you the best highs. When your kids are born is immense. The spectacle itself is horrific and there is waaay to much blood, shouting and man hate in the room for my liking. I used to work with a lad we called "Doris", he is a good mate of mine so I will not divulge anything about the peanut butter and bicycle pump incident. Anyway I once told Doris that one day there will be a religion based on Me. The first part of my master plan happened when I got ordained a few years ago (true story). The second phase kicked in when Charlotte and Jack where born, there was more gingers in the world ready to do my bidding.HAHAHAHAH.        Fuck!! I have lost track of the article....was was I?
  The Joy of a child being born is indescribable, something fundamental and Divine happens when your baby opens its eyes and looks at you and when they grow up the love they give is unconditional. The love of a wife/partner is conditional you see, there is only so many times you can wipe you cock on the curtains, give them a dirty Sanchez, fart against their leg in bed or shag someone else before they tell you to FUCK OFF!! and they stop loving you. The love of a child is unconditional though, to them you are a hero, you are super daddy and the center of their life is the family unit, the joy this feeling gives you is probably the emotion that gives you the most happiness in life.
  Getting married or having the love of a life partner is also joyful. I feel joy in being married to Tracey and I know for a fact that Tracey wakes up every morning and thanks the great Ginger in the sky for my existence.

 Schadenfreude
  This is the German word for laughing at others misfortune. There is no equivalent in the English Language that sums it up.
 Everyone laughs at other peoples misfortune, its a fact and anyone who says different is a liar. Even Mother Teresa laughed herself wet when she met the pope and one of the leading cardinals tripped over his robe, fell down some steps and soiled himself.
 I, Myself have a weakness at laughing at other peoples misfortune, its true, most people think of me as a saintlike figure, dispensing kindness and wisdom to stranger and friend alike, but I have a darker side, I like to have a good wheeze and chortle at other people.I am ashamed to say that I take great Joy in watching people make cocks of themselves or suffer some other random badness.I will share a few instances with you. There are probably thousands of stories I can tell but I will use these few because they have come up in conversation in the last few weeks.
    Naked Dean and the Dogshit
              My mate Dean like to get naked in public, a lot, hence the name. Anyway, back in the day we used to hang about on street corners, the town hall, the canal, the park and the fields near our houses. This one day some extraordinarily envisioned individual had either put some dogshit intact on the bottom of the slide or miraculously got their dog to climb on the slide and shit there. We were all stood around admiring the spectacle when I noticed one of the lads Ogo, bend down to pick something up, it was a large stone. I grabbed Galley and ran away from the slide just as Ogo threw the stone. Naked Dean was not fast enough, the stone landed with unerring accuracy in the center of the dogtoffee and it exploded. This was piss funny and when Naked Dean started screaming the amusement reached legendary proportions. A lump of dogshit had landed on Naked Deans face, covering his nostrils and a bit of his mouth. This was Schadenfreude at its best.
  It was not the only time that Naked Dean came a cropper on this slide, 15 years before jackass came to screen we were doing Jackass stuff. We had got hold of a rocket that had lost its stick, we decided the best use of this was to fire at Naked Dean. We stuck him at the top of the slide, the bit where the slide meets the stairs and there is a little frame. Naked Dean stood there with his legs apart and his back to us. To say he was happy with this arrangement would frankly be a lie but here we were. Ogo lit the rocket and we all cheered in anticipation. The rocket flew but it did not fly true. It hit the slides side on its way up and flew into Naked Dean. He fell off the top of the slide onto the concrete below and hurt himself but we did not care, the site of the rocket hitting Naked Deans arse in a shower of sparks was quite possibly one of the funniest things we had ever seen.

A bad taste in the mouth

  In the summer of '93 we managed to go to 14 house parties in 9 weeks. The most infamous of these was probably "Mansels Party" I have been asked by another of one of the lads to write a full article about this night and I will eventually but for now let me share with you the story of how Phil got Unclean.
  Two incidents happened to Phil this night, The first is when Galley picked him up by the gonads. I will tell more about that some other time, for now let me tell you about an incident that was much more horrid. Phil is a great lad and a great friend, but this following incident is still laughed about even now. Phil was a ladies man and he was bereft of any standards when it came to getting laid and so there was no women between the ages of 17 and 57 that he would not shag. Some of his conquests have been simply breathtaking in their age, size or lack of anything what society deems as an acceptable standard of attractiveness. I was in a room enjoying the company of a young lady when this incident happened. Phil was at the top of the stairs just milling around when he saw a young lady come out of one of the bedrooms and walk towards the bathroom. Phil being Phil grabbed her and started to snog her, evilly she obliged. Little did he know that Dunny had just got a blow job off her and had blown his load into her mouth, she was on the way to get rid of the gunk when Phil grabbed her. When he snogged her he also got a gobfull of Dunny's bollock porridge. When we found this out we had no sympathy., we had just ridicule and laughter. This was very very funny shit.


London trip 
 Me and my older brother decided to go down London to watch Liverpool vs Arsenal. We had a good laugh on the way down and we where in high spirits as we boarded the tram to take us to highbury. As we got nearer to highbury the tram got more and more packed until it was what you see on TV when everyone is packed together. It was like this when a scrote got on the tram with his tosser mates, you know the types. Dressing like they think west coast gansta's dress and talking like a eastenders reject, anyhoo the tram was too packed to take them all and this particular scrote decided to get on anyway. There was alot of jostling and complaining and then the doors closed. The thing is, is that this little scrote was not on properly and the doors closed on his head. It was too packed for him even to step back, so the door kept opening and then closing on his head. I freely admit I nearly pissed myself laughing.

 There we are, three examples of  Schadenfreude. The joy of other peoples misfortune.
 I suppose it would not be complete without a example of people laughing at my misfortune.

Magaluf 
 We went to Magaluf a number of times and each one was fuckin great. A lot of stuff happened on them holidays and most of it will stop there. I have no shame in admitting to be the butt of everyones amusement on this occasion though. We had gone out as usual and had got fucking wasted as per usual, but on this night we all got separated. This was not a big deal though, we just carried on drinking in whatever bar we found ourselves in. This particular night I found myself walking back to the hotel alone, I was pissed, it was hot and I thought it may be a good idea to take 40 winks on a sunbed on the beach. I woke up around 7ish a scant couple of hours later with some Spanish dude gesticulating at me and going on with himself. I guess he was not to happy with me taking a free go on his sunbed. twat. It did not take long to realise something was amiss. Some fucker had nicked my trainers when I was asleep. The fucking robbing bastards! It was a bit of a distance to the hotel and the sand and pavements where already heating up in the sun. I had to walk all the way back in my bare feet to the hotel. The lads thought this entertainment of the highest merit. It got worse. My mate Galley persuaded me to walk the 4 miles to the police station in a straw hat. I did not realise that straw hats do not stop the suns rays. When I came down with sunstroke the laughter never stopped. Bastards,



Bodily functions
I have already wrote about farting (  http://gavstjames.blogspot.com/2010/12/farts.html  . ) So I do not need to tell you the joy I have at a good fart. But Joy can be experienced in other ways. There is a saying
  "bad sex is overrated but a good shit is underrated"  You cannot really argue against that but it devalues and debases the wonderous, wonderous feeling really good sex gives you, either one your own, with a partner or in a group. Thats why we do it. simple.
 One life affirming experience is a good dump. Now generally shitting is an altogether unpleasant experience but every now and again a dump comes along that makes you smile. It could be a movement of such proportions that it actually hurts on egress, but the empty void and feeling of accomplishment it leaves you with brightens your day, or it could be the fabled Boxing Day Crap, the holy grail of all motions. This the after you have pigged yourself stupid on rich, stodgy food, undercooked turkey and sprouts all washed out by a frankly ludicrous amount of booze. The movement this generates makes you believe in God again. You wake up in the morning and you feel uncomfortable, it feels like there is a cold, hard brick that is lodged somewhere in you digestive tract, you wrestle of the choices, do I stop in bed and nurse my hangover or do I bite the bullet and go for a dump? you go for a dump. The house is littered with cardboard boxes and other detritus of xmas day, you navigate this holding your stomach which is making some very iffy noises. you reach the toilet and in a panic drop your trollies. You sit there but nothing happens...but it should!! by all rights you should be shitting your life away, it should be falling out like some old shoes put of an atic, but you are bunged up!! its an impossible position, an horrid juxoposition of your body wanting to squit and to be bunged up. It does not bode well. After a pain filled 10 minutes of frutching and begging it happens. HALLELUYAH!!  JOY of JOYS!! It falls out of you in a series of stoccato cannon blasts and all is well with the world .God does exist, he is ginger and by fuck he loves you.  The final movement type is the one that you are dreading in doing, you are expecting some pain and a big mess, but the crap just had you straining enough to get a sense of accomplishment and it comes out that intact that wiping is but a token effort.



Girls in their summer clothes 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTQQ2ktWTx8

Whilst being the title of  one of my favorite songs, it is actually the hazy happy feeling you get in the summer or spring when all the ladies where next to fuck all or something thin and gauzy. There is no feeling like it when you are in town or somewhere and the sun is shining on you, its not too hot and there is a light breeze and you see a vision, an embodiment of young, radiant, glowing vitality which is a young lady in her summer clothes. I am not even sure if it is a overly sexual thing, its just that attractive young ladies dressed in the summer stuff makes any heterosexual man smile.
 In the past me and a few of the lads have gone to the station pub at Stalybridge in the summer at 3 o clock on a friday and sat outside awaiting for the office girls to debark from the trains. The sights you see are simply magnificent. This Is joy. Thinking about it, in this instance its the contented feeling of fine company (my mates), summer weather, booze and lovely, lovely minge, In their fuckin summer clothes.

I cannot be arsed right now to carry in writing about each individual thing that makes me smile, so I will draw up a table of happy shit.

HAPPY SHIT				RATING
Farting on a train and offending someone				****
Watching Liverpool beat the manc scum				******
Watching kid take first steps				*********
Losing your virginity				*********
seeing your first boobs (that was not related)				*********
Getting the job you want				****
Seeing your children born				**********
Seeing someone fall over				******
Boxing Day Crap				****
having a drink with your mates				******
Seeing that thing off x factor WITH HER FUCKIN FACE ON FIRE				****
Girls in their summer clothes				******
Sex				*********
Really good sex				**********
Building and having a big fucking fire				****
Seeing someone gamble and lose (fart and shit themselves)				******
your first wank				****
Getting the holy trinity for the first time with a filthy lady				******

Why God is Ginger

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A diversity of perversity

Alphabet of Perversity

Sex is brill. Its even better than watching people fall over. And that is fucking funny. Over the coming weeks and months I will be writing an A to Z of perversity. The original idea for this came from a discussion between myself and an old and dear friend called Louise. I do not endorse some of the practises but in the name of education I will share with you the various acts and perversities that I have heard about. I have garnered these from a lot of sources and I will only lay claim to the words and descriptions as my own creations.

Abasiophilia

This peculiar paraphilia centres around the sexual attraction to those unfortunates with impaired mobility. Whilst it may not be everyone’s cup of tea. Such mobility impaired luminaries such as Stephen Hawkins and that bird from Corry frequently give abasiophiliacs the horn. There is also a brothel in Amsterdam that specialises for this strange kinkiness.

This is not to be confused with the “The Magaluf Mong ”

ADW

All Day Wank.

The glorious mainstay of all students and those who are actively seeking employment. This actually takes a certain amount of planning, stamina and fortitude, as well as a healthy imagination. My advice if you are inclined to partake in this act is to take plenty of vitamins for the fortnight leading up to the event. Supplements containing zinc and iron are particularly useful. Then 48 hours before the wankathon start drinking lots of water.

It stands to reason to have a large supply of lubricants handy. If you attempt any prolonged bout of fumbling without adequate lubrication there is a very good chance that you will wank yourself raw. Any lubricant will do, from olive oil, baby oil, margarine or even a non-allergenic shaving foam will suffice. I will speak more on lubricants later in the A to Z. The event must be managed properly as well. It is no good going for it hell for leather, your cock will be dry heaving and spitting feathers before you reach the mid-morning wall. You need to pace yourself, alternating between a “normal” fumble, a lazy wank and a bishops rage. You will need to decrease the amount of bishops rages you have as the day progresses and increase the frequency of the lazy wanks. These are important mentally as well as physically. If you embark on a ADW and are concentrating all the time feverishly on filth there is a very good chance that you can wank yourself daft.

EXAMPLE: “Are you coming to the village fete on Saturday Mr Smith”

“ Sorry vicar, I am planning to gallop the antelope all day”

“ Ahhh, the ADW, brings back happy memories. I spent a happy day watching Nigella Lawson whilst having a ADW in my gap year. I almost pulled the fucking head off it”

Anal

The celebrated but much maligned back door love. According to the bible you will roast in hell for putting you penis inside another persons anus but I really think someone needs to tell a few priests that to be honest. Anyhoo. What man does not dream of having this with his wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/whatever at least once in their relationship? It is a badge of honour to get your “brown-wings” and it is a sure sign that a women really loves you. There is risks associated with Bum Love such as shit on your knob, increased risk of infections, shit on your knob, can be painful ,unwanted and unpredictable leakage and shit on your knob.

I worked with a lad once, lets call him “Joe”. Joe had trapped off with a rotund lady (her glands had ate all the fucking pies) and was proceeding to beat her back door in. After much grunting, groaning and jiggery pokery he shot his load and withdrew from the fat lass's arse, Much to his horror he discovered a half digested tomato skin on the end of his bell.

This demonstrates perfectly the inherent risks associated with bumming. It is also a fact that a lot of “bottoms” (people who like to be bummed) loose all muscle tone in their sphincter and develop a condition called “barrymore Arse”. This can cause sudden and uncontrolled evacuation of the bowels, having to wear an adult nappy and death. This can be detected in its early stages by the loose and halfhearted sound of their flatulance.

Anal Beads

Anal beads taste funny...nah only kidding. These come in a variety of shapes and sizes and can be used by both sexes as either a sex aid between two partners or as a masturbatory aid, They are usually made from plastic or rubber and look like a string of beads stuck together. They are inserted into the anus before or during sex to aid in arousal and orgasm. Like all sex toys it would be advisable to keep them in top hygeinic condition and to hide them away from prying eyes.

   

Angry Dragon

A sadistic and violent act that whilst possibly be illegal, is very fucking funny. It starts with the lady (or man) performing fellatio on another man. Once ejaculation is achieved inside the recipients mouth the man who has cum hits the person with a mouthful/throatful of man magic hard on the back of the head causing the Gentleman’s relish to shoot out of the victims nose.

EXAMPLE: And so it came to pass that the gallant sir Percival set forth on his epic quest. Long weeks and months passed and all the while our brave night battled against man and beast. His faith was tested but his sword-arm was strong. Lo! A mighty beast was sighted. She was ugly in her countenance and foul in her stench, but Sir Pircival was unfazed, with a righteous zealotry he thrust his engorged member into her gaping cakehole. Two score and six he thrust ever harder until the act was consummated. With a titanic bellow he unloaded his bollock porridge and then with a cleave he struck her mightily at the back of her greasy head. Victorious he watched and held on as his Frothy love Juice shot from her nostrils. This was how the legend of the Angry Dragon was born. Tell it across the land and around the campfires. Tell how our valiant Sir Percival defeated the angry dragon.

Ashton surprise

This is the classy act perpetrated by ladies of a certain class and sophistication. It happens when a man and women are going at it in the missionary position. Half way through the act the lady passes wind with such gusto and vigour the mans testicles are blown backwards and upwards, swinging into his own anus.

Ass to mouth

Another act performed by people with no standards, dignity or taste-buds. It is the act of performing Bum Love on a partner and then placing the penis into the partners mouth, without washing it first. Nice. This is suprisingly popular around the quaint village of glossop. Let us take a moment to take a look why. In the mid stages of the Roman invasion the British Governor wanted a route between Manchester and Sheffield for rapid military egress to the still contested northern borders. After 18 months of intense labour over the moors the snake pass was built. The old roman road (that still exists in places) was moved to the east to follow more closely the natural contours of the heath. A way-station was build just before the pass and this attracted some nefarious characters and vagabonds of dubious character. One of the more prominent buildings was the brothel “Bouncy Betty's House of Anal Delights” The house special was ass to mouth. The old pick word for ass to mouth is glossop. This apparently is an onomatopoeia of the noise made when withdrawing from the anus and inserting into the mouth. Ever since Roman times the practise of ass to mouth has been kept as a town tradition, even amongst family members.

auto erotic asphyxiation

Possibly the most dangerous of sexual practises. Erotic asphyxiation is the intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain for sexual arousal. It is also charmingly called asphyxiophilia, autoerotic asphyxia, hypoxyphilia, or breath control play. Don't the terms just roll of the tongue? A person engaging in asphyxiophilia is sometimes called a gasper.

The desired result can be achieved through a variety of methods. Strangulation or self hanging is the most popular. This can be disasterous for the gasper, just look at the Geldof upsetting Hutchence or Mr grasshopper himself David Caradine. Other ways of achieving the desired levels of oxygen deprivation involve, bagging, gassing, chest compression and solvants. Liquid gold (poppers) is a popular solvant for those who are asphyxia curious.

auto fellatio

If you could would you? That, my friends is the eternal question. If it was possible for you to blow yourself off would you? Off course you fucking would, liar. There you are at home, alone, you have the raging horn and you are remembering the best blow job you have ever had. You feel weak, you desperately want to feel some warm inviting lips around your manhood and it comes to you in a flash. Dare you try? You bend towards it and its just a few scant inches too far away. You have an idea, you rest on your back and raise yourself up onto your shoulders. Your feet hang over your head and then it happens. You achieve solitary fellatio. You dirty dirty bastard.

Yup, you guessed it, its the art and act of giving yourself a right old nosh. Something s are just not cricket and this is one of them, still it will guarantee that you will look after the old genital hygiene, who the fuck wants to taste their own gorganzola?

Black hearted, Diseased lizards

Highlander rant

Let me get this off my chest,

Normally I would let the fact that they are remaking nearly every film of consequence, go straight over my head. Such petty trivialities are beneath my notice, they are akin to dogshit, momentarily disgusting and annoying, but all too soon they turn to dust and are blown away, never to trouble us again.

But like a club foot, every so often something comes along that I cannot ignore, I cannot be "the bigger man" and let it slide. I have a maxim I try to live by, It goes

"If you cannot fuck it, if you cannot eat it, if it does not help you get to heaven, then it does not fucking matter"

The opposite is also true about things that are annoying but ultimatly inconsequential. But what I found out today is the fuckin limit, it is so wrong it actually makes my shit itch. I am so bastard angry I could actually be nasty to lovely lorraine kelly, and that is a fuckin statement. In fact she is so lovely I would suck her farts out and i would put £10 on that they taste of peppermint.

THEY ARE GOING TO REMAKE HIGHLANDER.

How dare they! How fuckin dare they! I want to find every single bastard of them and dismember them limb by limb, knuckle by knuckle, vertabrae by cunting vertabrae. I want to tie them all down naked to a fire-ant nest, cover them in honey and show them pictures of their loved ones being sodomised by angry catholic priests.

Highlander is the best film ever, bar none. I appreciate other people have other opinions on the matter, but to be honest, they are talking and thinking bollocks and need to be re-educated. Until these people see the truth I will not enter a conversation on the matter.

But HOW FUCKIN DARE THEY!! I have not been this mortified, this angry since I found out that Miriam was a bloke

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ACJL41x3QE

http://chickenmafia.com/pictures/miriam_rivera.jpg

The whole idea of them remaking the film is fundementally wrong, its like kicking god in the balls, asking the pope to babysit, fancying Cilla Black. The world is (apparently) going to end on the 21st December 2012. I hope to fucks sake that this is before they release the remake. If this film is released it will destroy what little faith I have in the human species, we may as well all devolve back to apes, climb some trees, masterbate and then throw shit at each other, it will show that humanity has reached its apex, it pinicle, and it is all downhill from here.

Some things they should not touch or alter or remake, some of these are classic films. Great art works and masterpieces that will stand the test of time: "The Mona Lisa", Van gogh's "starry night" and David by Michelangelo Buonarroti. they will not think to remake or fuckin reimagine (what in the name of fuck does that even mean???) so why do they fuckin remake great films? Clash of the titans, Superman, Get Carter, The Wickerman, Planet of the apes, Shaft. The list is endless. A endless list of meaningless, inane, incompetant and damnable fuckwittery. Why o Why do they even bother? They should be forced to endure the same mental anguish that we suffer when watching these celleloid abortions. Its akin to haveing a favorite pet killed and then another one with the same name put in its place, but this new one humps your legs, shits in the fruitbowl and bites little kids. Just becausee its called Fido, just like your sadly deceased dog, DOES NOT MEAN IT IS FUCKIN FIDO!!.

The sheer affront of these so called moviemakers makes me want to commit terrible crimes. Highlander, of all things unholy, why are you fucking going to remake highlander? I beg you, I beseech you, please o please, do not touch Highlander!

I am sat here with tears running down my face, my kids are crying becasue Daddy is scaring them, there is an global environmental meltdown happening, Birds are falling dead from the skies and my piles are playing up. The world is going to shit and they are going to fuckin remake highlander. Don't they understand? Don't they fuckin get it? There can be only one!!

Lorraine Kelly

Lorraine Kelly

I know I said I would post on Fridays but sod-it, Lorraine Kelly gives me the raging horn. I don't quite know why she is so sexy though, so I have taken some time to get my thoughts in order and to try and bring some order to my lusty chaotic mind. It may be my age, it may be because she is female but one thing is certain. I would sandpaper my left gonad just for the chance to sniff her toilet seat.

It could be her voice, I have a “thing” for women with sexy accents. I remember as a young boy getting the horn over an advert with a curvy cartoon rabbit with a sexy voice, I think the rabbit was sat under a tree and had a welsh accent. If I remember rightly the product being sold was some cadbury's chocolate. (incidentally, the cartoon rabbit in question is not the sexiest cartoon Rabbit, that honour goes to Jessica rabbit). I threw a few mixes out as well listening to Ruth Maddoc say “Hi Du Hi”. Who else is there? Hmm, let me see. Liz Hurley, fuck me, she is hot and I bet she is dirty, positively vulgar in fact. So we have established that our darling Lorraine has a sexy voice which is more than can be said about Cheryl Cole, but more about her later.

     

(EDIT) it has come to my attention that in fact Jessica Rabbit is not an actual rabbit. She is human but she married Roger Rabbit, hence adopting his surname. Still I would make her wear a playboy outfit. As a side note the outline and shape of Jessica Rabbit is that of Kim Basinger. They filmed Kim acting the scenes then traced Kims outline onto the cartoon board to make Jessica.

  Back to Lorraine: It could be her eyes, she has a mischievous twinkle that I like to imagine says “I love ass to mouth”. You know she likes it and likes it a lot. She looks at you with that twinkle and you just know she is imagining you in a Nazi uniform bending her over a rough wooden desk and showing her “vat ve do to spies”. Seriously though, you know she enjoys life, She has laughing eyes. A night out with her would be a laugh, she would laugh at your jokes and then tell better ones back, she would then proceed to drink you under the table, take you back to the hotel and then have wild monkey sex with you. Fizz from Coronation street has the same look in her eyes, by the way, Fizz is also sexier then Cheryl Cole.

Bodywise she has the regular “sexy mum” body. Not quite the hourglass perfection of Angelina Jolie but by god! You know it would be cuddly, fun and satisfying, Her cleavage is magnificent and to be honest Carl Pilkington should have visited them for his wonders of the world program. That sweet, sweet mammarian valley is a joy to behold, the pale, inviting pendulous orbs that are her breasts are a sign that God truly does exist, nothing that perfect could be created by chance alone. Lorraine is what a real women should look like. Some men lust over stick insect models or celebrities but deep down every man desires someone with a body like Lorraine. She is worth an infinite number of Cheryl Coles.

She has a dirty laugh. Period. You know solely from that laugh that she would be of the “adventurous, curious and experimental” type in the bedroom. Nothing would be too taboo or dirty. I imagine her liking to act out favourite scenes from her huge collection of “niche” and “speciality” films. I have mentioned before that you know she enjoys life. No one with a laugh that inviting and lusty (and I don't mean that in a dirty way) is going to be a miserable cow like a certain x factor judge.

Lorraine Kelly is a very very sexy women. She has many fine alluring qualities but she is greater than her individual parts. For all her fine qualities she is actually sexier than she has right to be. She has a certain something that is “sexy” A certain something that alights desire in men. She has that ethereal quality then only a few women in the world have. To me she is up there with Angelina Jolie, Helen Hunt, Deanna Troi, Marilyn Monroe, Rachel welch and Liz Hurley. Like I said, she is much greater than her individual parts, unlike Cheryl Cole who is less than her whole.

Cheryl Cole. I do not quite know what to make of Cheryl. What I am about to write is my opinion. I appreciate that everyone's opinion is different and some people will find it odd that my opinions are thus: On paper Cheryl should be the object of every mans desire but for some reason I find her as sexy as a cupful of haemorrhoids. She has nice legs, lovely arse, beautiful eyes and an easy smile, but I feel there is something missing, I do not find her ugly as such. Just “wrong”, Its like a cartoon that has a one frame message of “FUCK CATS” on it. You do not notice it because it came and went so fast, but you know something is fundamentally wrong. All that shit about going on the Piers Morgan show got on my tits as well. Her popularity had took a dive after some misdemeaner on the X factor and so she decided to go on the show and emo about how hard dome by she is, how hard her life is, boo hoo, boo hoo.....just fuck off. You are a multimillionaire, your face is recognised around the world and millions of (misguided) people think you are the second coming. Go and tell someone who has cancer how hard your life is, go and tell some starving kid in Africa how hard your life is. You make me sick. This is why Lorraine Kelly is more attractive than you. She is a real women. If she was married to a world class footballer he would not cheat on her. He would chew off his own foreskin just to make you smile.

   Put it this way. The person below is more sexy than Cheryl Cole would ever be.

              

This article is just my humble opinion. It does not necessarily reflect the truth.

POT NOODLE REVIEW

WIN

Look at the picture, look at it closely. Observe its taut curved body, observe how it beckons seductively This is not just a pot noodle. This is a no7 spare rib pot noodle

The picture above is full of win. I will say that again slowly. THE PICTURE ABOVE IS FULL OF WIN. The only problem is that the receptacle is empty. I have ate it. The only way it would be more full of win was if it was full, but, again, I have ate it. It was bastard lovely. And then some. The Pot noodle shown is quite possibly a gift from the Great Divine. This is the first review of the blog and I am going to write about Spare Rib Pot Noodle.

Pot noodles are great and can be enjoyed in a variety of ways. From pouring them over a big plate of chips, to having them on toast with melted cheese to the standard way with 4-5 slices of bread. The pot noodle brand comes in a variety of flavours. |The horror curry flavour that tastes like a wet Burberry dog jacket jacket, Beef and tomato that is alright, just alright. The mighty Chicken and Mushroom that was the king of flavours and the delightful limited edition Xmas dinner flavour,

I thought nothing could beat the sublime splendour that chicken and Mushroom supplied. Every step in the process was a joy, from putting the kettle on, waiting breathlessly whilst it boiled. Every second the waters churned below the magical 100c was a mockery of your hunger. The long pregnant seconds as the water nudged ever closer to boiling, shall you pour it before it is boiled or shall you wait? AAAHHH the suspense!! then “DING” the water has boiled. The careful frenzy as you poured the waters in and added the golden sachet of soy sauce. Every drop a precious elixir of delight, your intense concentration as you squeezed the sachet between your thumb and forefinger to get Every. Last. Fucking. Drop. out. Stirring the magical potion and waiting for the noodles to soften in the stock. The process added to the joy of eating this wondrous, wondrous food. This has been eclipsed.

At Xmas I tried the Xmas dinner flavoured pot noodle. This was quite tasty and provided a quite splendid snack. Then today I tried the no7 Spare Rib flavour. Oh My Giddy Aunt. Over the years I have developed into a bit of a foody. I have ate stuffed river trout on the banks of Windermere, Rare veal at the savoy in London, Lobster Thermadour in a quite exceptional little Italian in Torquay and fresh lobsters on a trapping boat off the Cornish coast. All these above will stand the test of time and I will be thinking of them fondly as I wet the bed and bother the nurses with inappropriate erections in my nursing home but the pot noodle I had today was simply stunning. Every mouthful was a delight and joy and I deplore, nay, beg each and every one of you to go out, put your hands in your pockets and trying one of these magical snack. This is up there with some of the wonderful meals I have ate over the years and I will remember it to the day I go to the great ginger in the sky.

You will not be disappointed. Honest.

Sheepshagging

SHEEPSHAGGING

The name sheep comes from the middle English word “SCAEP” which literally means “non-bitching wife”. Students of language have surmised that the term Sheep-husbandry also has sexual connotations and origins. Sheep where imported into early Britain around 800BC and have since found there way to every creek and crannies of our fair, green land. Oh, and Wales.

The first recorded instance on mainland Britain of sheep-shagging was recorded in the Roman village of Mamucium in the latter part of the first century. (this small farming village and fort later went on to become Manchester). This nefarious deed was perpetrated by a gentleman with the dubious name of “Almost Trevor”. He was caught by a passing Roman tax collector and tried at the local court. He was found guilty and his punishment was to have his gonads, thumbs and tongue removed, His property was also forfeit and as a result he became a beggar. Almost Trevor soon found a patch on the main road out of the city and he led a surprisingly long life. He became such a feature on this road that the district was named after him. The district of Trevor over the years became known as Trafford. In 1909 when they needed to name the new football stadium in that area they named it first “Almost Trafford” this was in recognition of an act that is dear to all who support Manchester united. Over the first 5 years Almost changed to Alt and then to Old., and so Almost Trafford became Old Trafford.

That was the first recorded instance of sheep-shagging in Britain but the act has been traced back throughout the ages. |Before the bronze age and the introduction of coinage, women and sheep where used as barter. Sheep where deemed to be worth four women and the murder of a sheep for non food or clothing purposes was deemed to be a hanging offence. It was once thought that sheep where worth more due to their versatility I.e. clothing, sex, food, but in fact it was due to the fact that a sheep does not answer back, nor does it grow all bitter and saggy. A good sheep in those days could last for eight years before the need for replacing and it will be as supple, tight and accommodating as the day it was bought. Sheep do not say no.

The reasons that sheep developed into a ovine sex toy is their varied, convenience of height, lack of language, willingness, portability, can smell less, and they can be always be made into a kebab if they get too lippy. Cultural acceptance of ovineaphilia has waned as the domestication of sheep moved north and east from the middle east into Europe and Scandinavia. Most population centers now view the act of sheep-shagging as a perversion but as you drive into more rural area's the act loses it taboo. Towns and area's such as Glossop, Snowdonia, Norfolk all retain their belief that sheep-shagging is an acceptable social pastime, something to have a little joke with the lads about in the pub on a friday night, Coincidentally, the rate on incest is also high in these area's. On the other hand, as the migration of ovine domestication moved into the southern hemisphere, there was no move away from the sex act as a perversion. In the wide open area's of Australia and new Zealand, the sexual use of sheep is viewed as a norm. It is even classed as a sport and there is a well financed sex trade that has sprung up in the last 15 years. 

There is a sex book available called the “Bamaa Sutra” in this tome it describes the various positions that are available. These start with the ubiquitous “Crouching Tiger” where the man enters the ovine in from behind I.e Doggy style. The next favoured position is the “Wrestling Clouds” this is a more forceful position where the male attempts coitus in a more traditional missionary position. This can cause the sheep distress and is not recommended against the larger sheep or by individuals who may be on the weak side. A muzzle may also be a good idea.

In the book there is some tips how to liven up your sex life. These include:

• The wearing of Velcro gloves. This aids traction.
• A bull-clip on your belt. You can attach this to the sheeps tail stub
• Push it to the edge of a cliff. They push back more
• Wear wellington boots. You can insert their hind legs into your boots.

There is also a trade in inflattable sheep for those that cannot even achieve the lofty heights of bestiality. Though these inflattable sheep are sometimes used as a humorous prop in football matches and on stagg parties. Their initial and primary use is for these unfortunate Ovinephilliacs whom that even sheep find repulsive.

According to a leading Australian poll agency. The top 10 reasons sheep are preferred over women are:

1. Just the right height.
2. Feel cuddly
3. smell and look better
4. They do not put up much of a fight
5. Sheep have very stretchy anuses which remain tight on a variety of different penis sizes.
6. The wool can be used to hold on and also makes for a more fluffy interaction.
7. Can cook it if you become displeased.
8. Do not want to talk bollocks or have a cuddle after you have screwed its arse off.
9. Reminds you of their mother
10. No back-chat.

This is a far cry from the social revulsion that is viewed in other parts of the world. Leading Anthropologist Niles Smyth-Gunniston says that is down to the fact that the typical male who lives in a sparsely populated area's such as the American mid west, Australia, Norfolk. Etc... Have a high tendency to humanise whatever animal or object they interact with the most I.e Sheep. This has been true since population pressures where much less. As urban centers have expanded the need and opportunity for humanisation and sexualisation of animals decreased.

Below is an excerpt from a interview from an Australian ranch hand called Bruce Billibong.

Already the interviewer has ascertained that Bruce has sex with one of his sheep.

INTERVIEWER: Can you tell me about your sex life with Flossy?

BRUCE: Yeah mate, Me and flossy are at it like rabbits, no problem there. Haha.

INTERVIEWER: Do you think this is acceptable to have sex with a defenceless animal?

BRUCE: Flossy is not defenceless! Strewth! She can head butt better than my Ma, and she can knock a horse out. And no I don't think its wrong. Its only you prissy Poms that stick your nose up at a bit of flufflove.

INTERVIEWER: What draws you towards Flossy/sheep and makes you want to choose sheep over other animals, such as a goat or a wallaby?

BRUCE: You pulling my plonk mate!! Goats smell like a bag-ladies gusset! And have you ever tried to fuck a wallaby? They are all over the fuckin place and put up a right fight. Little fuckers. Nah, Sheep and especially little Flossy, love you back, She is my little tangle of wet desire. She loves me back and I go everywhere with her.

INTERVIEWER: Say a Beautiful women wanted to marry you but you had to give up your love of sheep and more specifically flossy. What would you do?

BRUCE: I would marry the Sheila and have some little uns, but I would still be seeing Flossy on the sly.

This sentiments in this excerpts are not exclusive to Bruce. These feelings are indicative to the millions of sheep herders and ranch hands across the world. The act of sheep love is not a race thing or a religious thing. It seems that the close proximity to sheep and their distance from everyday social interaction with women make these individuals physically, emotionally and sexually find sheep attractive/

As a side note, sheep aren't the only animal that have been sexualised over the years. It is a long standing practise for certain farmers to carry out an act called “Calf-Suckling”. Because a cows udder is similar in girth to an erect penis and a calf has an hefty suck on it, it was not long before early cow herders twigged onto this and started bovine-fellatio. Goats also are not immune to mans sexual predations, but goats can be aggressive and prone to take umbrage if not approached correctly.

all the above is fictitious (except the photographs) and similarity with any name is entirely unintentional and bare no relation to anyone alive or dead. 

This Guide and history will be continued over the coming weeks.